Community Chat

[kittymomNC]

I know so well how difficult it is when things are not "right" between a mother and child, and I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I think most of the time, our first thought is to let everything cool off and then deal with it. But that may not always be the best way. Sometimes you just have to deal with it head on before it has a chance to get worse. I say this because of my own experience -not with a daughter, but a son.

I was a single mom from the time my son was 3, so we've always been very close. I worried about him all the time, and still do to some degree. I admit I was overprotective, and in a way I still am.

But about a year ago we had an episode, VERY complicated, and I knew that we had never been so far apart, or so hurt and angry, partly at each other, but a lot just because of LIFE circumstances. Every time we talked, we argued. We cried. We even raised our voices. But we still always ended our conversations with "love you". As I said, it was an extremely complicated situation, but over time, as we continued to talk, even argue, it started getting better. During those conversations, things started coming to the surface on both our parts, and gradually we worked it out. It took a long time, but we're now closer than we ever have been before. I think prior to that happening, we knew each other as "I'm the Mom, he's the child". Now, I think we know each other so much better, as adults who happen to understand each other better and love each other very much. And even if we get into a disagreement now, we get past it much faster because we know what is really important.

[SugarNSpice]

On 8/7/2014 stilltamn8r said: I had words with my mom after a funeral - out of character for us and I was being a brat, admittedly...though my mom wasn't perfect either... We didn't talk for a day, the following day, she called me at work, said she wasn't feeling well.. I thought she was faking, but drove over there, cause that was so out of character for her..she WAS. I'll, i took her to the ER and she ( who had been healthy as a horse), was dead within 24 hours.. I regret my actions so, that I cannot even tell you how much...Ford, don't let it play out???call her.... Please

(((((((((Stilltaman8r))))))))) I am so sorry. I read your post and had to login. It hit very close to home.

Ford, as Stilltaman8r suggested, "don't let it play out" life can change your path in an instant.

[guatmum]

I'm so sorry this happened but I would think of it this way, she went through YOUR menopausal stage in life and now you get to go through hers. As far as health, I kind of think of it the same way - she probably worries about your health and how you are or are not dealing with it and you worry about her health and how she is or is not dealing with it as well. Between daughters and mothers, it's a parallel give and take that never ends as long as both are on this planet. Please just trust in the good judgment you taught her to have. I am speaking as someone in the same position as your daughter with a mother who loves me as much as you love her. We worry about each other but, in the end, are so grateful we have each other still on the planet to worry about.

[LilacTree]

On 8/7/2014 guatmum said:

I'm so sorry this happened but I would think of it this way, she went through YOUR menopausal stage in life and now you get to go through hers. As far as health, I kind of think of it the same way - she probably worries about your health and how you are or are not dealing with it and you worry about her health and how she is or is not dealing with it as well. Between daughters and mothers, it's a parallel give and take that never ends as long as both are on this planet. Please just trust in the good judgment you taught her to have. I am speaking as someone in the same position as your daughter with a mother who loves me as much as you love her. We worry about each other but, in the end, are so grateful we have each other still on the planet to worry about.

You hit on that perfectly.

[stilltamn8r]

On 8/7/2014 SugarNSpice said:

On 8/7/2014 stilltamn8r said: I had words with my mom after a funeral - out of character for us and I was being a brat, admittedly...though my mom wasn't perfect either... We didn't talk for a day, the following day, she called me at work, said she wasn't feeling well.. I thought she was faking, but drove over there, cause that was so out of character for her..she WAS. I'll, i took her to the ER and she ( who had been healthy as a horse), was dead within 24 hours.. I regret my actions so, that I cannot even tell you how much...Ford, don't let it play out???call her.... Please

(((((((((Stilltaman8r))))))))) I am so sorry. I read your post and had to login. It hit very close to home.

Ford, as Stilltaman8r suggested, "don't let it play out" life can change your path in an instant.

And you can never change the past.....only re- live it....

[LilacTree]

On 8/7/2014 kittymomNC said:

I know so well how difficult it is when things are not "right" between a mother and child, and I'm sorry you're having to go through this. I think most of the time, our first thought is to let everything cool off and then deal with it. But that may not always be the best way. Sometimes you just have to deal with it head on before it has a chance to get worse. I say this because of my own experience -not with a daughter, but a son.

I was a single mom from the time my son was 3, so we've always been very close. I worried about him all the time, and still do to some degree. I admit I was overprotective, and in a way I still am.

But about a year ago we had an episode, VERY complicated, and I knew that we had never been so far apart, or so hurt and angry, partly at each other, but a lot just because of LIFE circumstances. Every time we talked, we argued. We cried. We even raised our voices. But we still always ended our conversations with "love you". As I said, it was an extremely complicated situation, but over time, as we continued to talk, even argue, it started getting better. During those conversations, things started coming to the surface on both our parts, and gradually we worked it out. It took a long time, but we're now closer than we ever have been before. I think prior to that happening, we knew each other as "I'm the Mom, he's the child". Now, I think we know each other so much better, as adults who happen to understand each other better and love each other very much. And even if we get into a disagreement now, we get past it much faster because we know what is really important.

I'm so glad for you. It seems such a fine line, doesn't it? Like trying to walk a tightrope. But eventually you got it right, and I'm so pleased to hear that, especially with a son . . . why, I don't know. I never had a son, but two of my daughters do, and they are different.

[LilacTree]

On 8/7/2014 hckynut said:

I've had many unpleasant interactions with adults, but beings I have no human children? What I can relate to is whenever I've had an unpleasant experience with an adult friend or associate of mine, either face to face or by phone, this is how I handle it.

My choice is to wait a couple day or more to allow the past situation to be pretty much calmed down a few notches. I then call the person, and in my experience, we both leave the past in the past and move on from there.

I had 3 older sisters, one died in 1989 of liver cancer, and I have had times were we did not talk for a couple years. The one that died was closest to my age and we never had any issues like I have had with my 2 remaining older sisters over the years.

An issue with one was over the care of my mother and she would not talk to me for over 2 years. The other issue was because I refused to be a witness in a divorce proceeding of her daughter and she did not speak to me for several years, and my mother was still alive at that time.

While I can't relate to children I can relate to siblings and many other way to many to count, adults. I hope all works out well for both of you.

Relationships are hard, no matter what kind. If there's caring and mutual "like," things can usually be worked out. Siblings are similar to children, if that makes you feel closer to the issue. My beloved sister and I had it out so many times, and yet we always made up, always loved each other, and I still miss her terribly and always will. She is part of me.

[LilacTree]

On 8/7/2014 MomOf4 said:

Ford, I have 4 daughters too and I understand how difficult it can be sometimes. I think sometimes we (as mothers) get our feelings hurt easier than our kids do.

Sometimes things pertaining to my girls leave me almost in tears but the girls don't even remember what happened. Eventually everything blows over.

Hang in there mom. Good luck.

Oh, truer words were never spoken.

[LilacTree]

On 8/7/2014 goldenretriever said:

Is she on any pharm. meds/drugs? It only takes one med to completely change someones personality. I witnessed it over & over with my parents. Some meds made them ANGRY & really hard to be around. The person taking the med has NO IDEA how they're reacting.

She has been on antidepressants in the past, but she won't take them this time. She doesn't attribute this either to menopause or depression. She is convinced she has a fatal disease. We've been going through this for months, her sisters and me. They are less tolerant of it, but I have always tried to be understanding and helpful. That's why last night threw me for a loop.

[LilacTree]

On 8/7/2014 stilltamn8r said: I had words with my mom after a funeral - out of character for us and I was being a brat, admittedly...though my mom wasn't perfect either... We didn't talk for a day, the following day, she called me at work, said she wasn't feeling well.. I thought she was faking, but drove over there, cause that was so out of character for her..she WAS. I'll, i took her to the ER and she ( who had been healthy as a horse), was dead within 24 hours.. I regret my actions so, that I cannot even tell you how much...Ford, don't let it play out???call her.... Please

OMG, that brought tears to my eyes. I hope you had enough time to make amends and express your love. What a shock and a tragedy.