Unexpected visit - Page 7

LilacTree · ‎03-25-2012

@NYC Susan wrote:

This is wonderful news!

I don't know the backstory, but my advice (not that you're asking!) is to keep the past in the past. All of that should remain water under the bridge, and her reasons for being open to reconnecting now don't matter and shouldn't be questioned.

Perhaps the time will come when both of you will be comfortable enough with each other to speak openly about everything. But for now - and maybe forever - I really think your focus should be not on looking back, but more on moving forward. In whatever way that happens.

As I said, you don't seem to be asking for advice, and I'm not sure you need any. But I have some professional experience with this type of thing, and wanted to add my two cents! I am sending good thoughts to you and your family, and I hope the happiness you are feeling today continues for years to come. :-)

@NYC Susan

Thank you for your professional advice that we are on the right track. It helps to know that. If anything further happens, I will update this thread. :-) :-)

Formerly Ford1224
We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Elie Wiesel 1986

LilacTree · ‎03-25-2012

@gabstoomuch

Nice to see you again, gabs. Your post was very on target in many ways. This does seem to be happening more and more. The world is changing and our children (mine are middle-aged) are living a different life than we did.

Actually it's my girls who are going through this more than my situation which was one very difficult incident between two of my daughters, one that will keep them apart probably permanently. I have written about it in this thread and will say no more.

There is more of what you describe going on with my grandchildren, who range in age from 30 to 15. The 30-year old is my oldest daughter's son, and I haven't seen him in over ten years, and she doesn't see much of him. He left home at age 15 and moved to another state to live with his father. They are not estranged, per se, but there is no close relationship. Fortunately, my granddaughter still lives with her mother and they are very close.

Yesterday we celebrated my sick (Lyme) daughter's birthday and her two children never came. Her daughter lives in Manhattan, and her son is just doing his thing, I guess. It was obvious my daughter was hurt. The kids had gone to Mexico with their rich dad for ten days so she never saw them for Christmas either. Their gifts are still under the tree which, fortunately, is artificial, so we are just keeping it up. This breaks my heart for her. They are 22 and soon to be 20, girl and boy. It seems they don't enjoy being around two sick people, so they just don't come, but maybe two or three times last year, and so far not at all this year or Christmas in December. There is no estrangement . . . just a lack of interest. My daughter never talks about it, and I don't bring it up anymore.

I am hoping if and when they do come and see their carefully wrapped presents still under a lighted Christmas tree, that they will feel some guilt. Although I want to say something to them, I will not. My daughter wouldn't want that.

Yes, life these days is very complicated for many of us. I hope yours improves with your child/children in the way mine just did. It does help, no matter how minor, to know the people you love, love you.

Formerly Ford1224
We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Elie Wiesel 1986

goldensrbest · ‎03-10-2010

@LilacTree, I wonder if the fact you and one of your daughters live together, that perhaps you lean toward her ,more than the other,sharing your lives together would make you closer,and to see the whole picture ,could be blurred.

When you lose some one you L~O~V~E, that Memory of them, becomes a TREASURE.

LilacTree · ‎03-25-2012

@goldensrbest wrote:
@LilacTree, I wonder if the fact you and one of your daughters live together, that perhaps you lean toward her ,more than the other,sharing your lives together would make you closer,and to see the whole picture ,could be blurred.

@goldensrbest

Not true at all. I don't intend to explain why I live with my Lyme daughter, but it has absolutely nothing to do with "leaning" toward her. Actually, I depend upon and am closer to one of my other daughters because she is pragmatic and always helps me think things out. And I love them all the same. Always did, always will.

As to the picture being "blurred," I don't understand your meaning.

Formerly Ford1224
We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Elie Wiesel 1986

goldensrbest · ‎03-10-2010

I do not want to upset you at all, just thought because i know the story ,you told that happened between the two, it seems the other daughter is trying to make amends, you said they despise each other ,i don't think she feels that way ,because she is trying.

When you lose some one you L~O~V~E, that Memory of them, becomes a TREASURE.

LilacTree · ‎03-25-2012

@goldensrbest wrote:
I do not want to upset you at all, just thought because i know the story ,you told that happened between the two, it seems the other daughter is trying to make amends, you said they despise each other ,i don't think she feels that way ,because she is trying.

@goldensrbest

I will say one more thing to you. The daughter I live with had nothing to do with the two daughters involved in the story you think you "know." There has never been any problems between the daughter I live with and my daughter who visited us last Friday night.

Formerly Ford1224
We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Elie Wiesel 1986

LilacTree · ‎03-25-2012

@cherry

I just wanted to thank you for your "heart" before this thread disappears. THANK YOU.

Formerly Ford1224
We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. Elie Wiesel 1986

goldensrbest · ‎03-10-2010

I am sorry i got them mixed up.

When you lose some one you L~O~V~E, that Memory of them, becomes a TREASURE.

esmerelda · ‎03-10-2010

@LilacTree wrote:
@gabstoomuch
Nice to see you again, gabs. Your post was very on target in many ways. This does seem to be happening more and more. The world is changing and our children (mine are middle-aged) are living a different life than we did.

Actually it's my girls who are going through this more than my situation which was one very difficult incident between two of my daughters, one that will keep them apart probably permanently. I have written about it in this thread and will say no more.

There is more of what you describe going on with my grandchildren, who range in age from 30 to 15. The 30-year old is my oldest daughter's son, and I haven't seen him in over ten years, and she doesn't see much of him. He left home at age 15 and moved to another state to live with his father. They are not estranged, per se, but there is no close relationship. Fortunately, my granddaughter still lives with her mother and they are very close.

Yesterday we celebrated my sick (Lyme) daughter's birthday and her two children never came. Her daughter lives in Manhattan, and her son is just doing his thing, I guess. It was obvious my daughter was hurt. The kids had gone to Mexico with their rich dad for ten days so she never saw them for Christmas either. Their gifts are still under the tree which, fortunately, is artificial, so we are just keeping it up. This breaks my heart for her. They are 22 and soon to be 20, girl and boy. It seems they don't enjoy being around two sick people, so they just don't come, but maybe two or three times last year, and so far not at all this year or Christmas in December. There is no estrangement . . . just a lack of interest. My daughter never talks about it, and I don't bring it up anymore.

I am hoping if and when they do come and see their carefully wrapped presents still under a lighted Christmas tree, that they will feel some guilt. Although I want to say something to them, I will not. My daughter wouldn't want that.

Yes, life these days is very complicated for many of us. I hope yours improves with your child/children in the way mine just did. It does help, no matter how minor, to know the people you love, love you.

@LilacTreeI have always thought unopened gifts after Christmas (under a tree or not...just in sight) is very, very sad. And why would you want them to "feel some guilt"? I think you are spot on when you say they don't enjoy being around two sick people. Don't know what you can do about that. Has your daughter called them? "Hey kids...don't forget...your Christmas gifts are here."

*********************
Keepin' it real.

Sage04 · ‎07-10-2011

@LilacTree, I have always loved reading your posts and know a lot about what you are going through. I believe things will get better.

One thing I do not like is the way you refer to your daughter as the Lyme daughter. Could you please refer to her as, maybe your roommate or something else? Think of something positive. I know you do it so that the posters would know which daughter you are refering to. I am surprised that no one else mentioned this, but it bothers me. Think of a name that suits her besides the L word lol

I am wishing you the best and this is just the beginning.