Community Chat

[gabstoomuch]

Hey @LilacTree! I haven't talked to you in a long time. I don't come here as often as in days gone by.

Boy if you are going to be 80, based your pic in your avatar, you look awesome! So beautiful. I know you don't feel well but at least if you look good it always boosts the spirit a bit

I am in the "estranged adult child" boat with you. Sadly, there are hundreds, even thousands, of people who have estranged adult children. Not sure why, but it seems to be epidemic, and not just in our country but it is a global problem. There are some great support boards on Facebook should you ever want to read other people's stories,read how others handle it day to day as it is a painful situation, and mostly it is good to know you are not alone. It is a lonely problem because it is hard to talk about to others who do not understand how deep the issues can go, and how hard it is to solve.

You handled that interaction with your estranged daughter beautifully. It is nice she reached out and actually followed through and showed up.

I am glad it went well, but I am sure you were on eggshells all night to not say something innocently and have the visit go quickly downhill.

It is so hard to keep hope alive that these estrangements can ever really be solved, but it was a step in a good direction. I would have done as you did, just treat her as a friend visiting and chat, keep it light and casual. Good for you to be able to pull that off. It is hard to stuff the hurt and pain that goes along with having an adult child who walks away from family.

She did reach out, it went well, but guard your heart. I would just let her be, and see if she reaches out again. No texting her or putting any pressure on her. These kids are so touchy they can make contact and then just walk away again without a thought. I would not want to get a bit excited and text anything positive and have her turn on you again. Your heart has been broken enough.

I do find that reading other's stories does bring comfort and relief of the emotions that go along with this problem. It is such a hard thing to understand, no matter what caused the issue, or even you one doesn't even know why it is happening (many parents are in that boat. No explanations, kid just cut all contact), I just can't wrap my own mind over why after so long, they just move on with their lives as if they never had a family, nor want to attempt to reconcile. It will never make sense to me.

I am happy that at least this one night went well, and I hope she is rethinking her position. If not, and she stays away, at least you got this one night.

Hope your daughter with Lyme is doing as best she can. Such a horrible disease.

[AuntG]

Unless you did something truly unforgivable (or allowed someone to do something dreadful to her), I'd guess that with your 80th birthday approaching, she figured it was time to let bygones be bygones. It's probably best that everything was kept low key and friendly. I hope she continues to visit her family.  

[dex]

So nice that your daughter came for a visit.I think it is sad that she has let so much time go by but late is better than never.I hope all three if you really enjoyed the visit and that someday soon it will happen again.

[NYC Susan]

This is wonderful news!

I don't know the backstory, but my advice (not that you're asking!) is to keep the past in the past.  All of that should remain water under the bridge, and her reasons for being open to reconnecting now don't matter and shouldn't be questioned.

Perhaps the time will come when both of you will be comfortable enough with each other to speak openly about everything.  But for now - and maybe forever - I really think your focus should be not on looking back, but more on moving forward.  In whatever way that happens.

As I said, you don't seem to be asking for advice, and I'm not sure you need any.  But I have some professional experience with this type of thing, and wanted to add my two cents!  I am sending good thoughts to you and your family, and I hope the happiness you are feeling today continues for years to come.  :-)

[MarieIG]

Last year I sent her several emails that opened the door toward reconciliation, but nothing ever happened. Yesterday late afternoon I received an email from her that she would be stopping by later to take the daughter I live with out for her birthday, and would I like to see her. I think those e-mails have been percolating . . .

[newagain888888]

@LilacTree, your post was very touching and I hope for the best possible outcome for you and your daughter. I was estranged from my mother for 17 years. From my own perspective, I had only known her as a very selfish, hurtful person all my life; by age 45, I had reached a point where I needed to cut all ties with her for my own emotional survival. Many years passed with no contact at all between us. It was a deeply sad time for me. 

Then one wintry day four years ago, I received word that her husband, my stepfather, had had an accident and died suddenly. In that moment when I feared that she was most vulnerable and in need, everything fell away and I didn’t hesitate to go to her. Those years of time away and great distance had given me a new perspective. I realized how fragile life could be. I could finally see what mattered most. Maybe your daughter has realized these things as well.

She was eighty then. In the past four years we have never discussed what created the deep rift between us. I think I simply decided to let go of the past and to love my mother for who she is in the time we have remaining. I am grateful for this second chance. It’s been said that forgiveness means giving up the hope that the past could ever be any different. Once I had accepted that I couldn’t change the past or my mother, I was able to move forward. I wish that for your daughter-and hope that you both have plenty of time to make new, happy memories together.

[Nataliesgramma]

I am so happy for you.....I wouldn't bring up the past unless she wants to talk about it.....

[LilacTree]

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@chrystaltree wrote:

That's wonderful.  Great way to start 2018.  Who know where it will go but if I were in your shoes, the past would be behind me.  The who did what and who said what; wouldn't matter at all to me.  I would neither expect nor want talk of a reconcilition.  I would just hope for what you had, some pleasant comversation.  Perhaps a shared meal.  I'd just be happy to spend some time with my child after being estranged for so long.  It sounds like she feels the same way. I'm happy for both of you.

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@chrystaltree

Thank you so much.  Yes, I am hopeful.  Time will tell.

[LilacTree]

@newagain888888

I appreciate your post very much.  It's very similar to our situation in one way, and very different in another.  The actual conflict was between two of my daughters, the one I have spoken about and her sister, my third child.  I have four girls.  That's all I will say about it, as I have vowed not to drum up the past. 

The tragic thing about it is that these two daughters continue to despise each other and I don't see them ever reconciling even after I am gone.  Currently they both know I will continue my relationship with both of them and they have accepted that.  I guess that is the most I can ask for and I am grateful for it.

I am so happy to hear you made peace with your mother.  I don't know if you're a mother yourself, but as one, I could never stop loving any of my children, no matter what. 

Thank you for telling your story.  It's a wonder that we can survive these things and go forward.  Good luck to both of you for many years left together.

[LilacTree]

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@MarieIG wrote:
Last year I sent her several emails that opened the door toward reconciliation, but nothing ever happened. Yesterday late afternoon I received an email from her that she would be stopping by later to take the daughter I live with out for her birthday, and would I like to see her. I think those e-mails have been percolating . . .

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@MarieIG

That's what I was hoping for, MarielG, and it seems that's exactly what happened.  I realized after I made those overtures that the rest had to come from her.  I am hopeful as to where it will go, but again need to let her take the lead.  My birthday is this week, and it will be interesting if she sends me an email on that day.  I don't expect a call . . . I have to keep my expectations low.