Community Chat

[gidgetgh]

Just checking this morning to see how your dad (and you) is doing.

[NoelSeven]

Yes, how are you Jules? You haven't been posting much lately... I hope you and your father are doing well.

[croemer]

Hope Dad is doing better Jules?

[JustJules]

Hi Gidget, just saw your post. Thank you for asking, I wish I could say good for both of us, but I can't. I stopped posting updates because sometimes it's just too much to talk about. I have never experienced such a messed up and crazy process in my life. My dad was discharged from the hospital after 11 days, and went into this skilled nursing "care" facility 3 weeks ago today. The goal was that he would get physical therapy Monday thru Friday so he could regain his mobility, get stronger and come home. None of that is happening...in fact I worry more about him being in there than being in the hospital. He was admitted as a High Fall Risk because he was too weak to stand or walk on his own, yet on the very 2nd night there they allowed him to fall out of bed. They didn't have a motion alarm on his bed, or a fall mat hear his bed, and they were supposed to do 15 min checks on him, but it didn't happen. I had a bad suspicion from that point on that things might get worse, but I had hopes for better. He has fallen out of bed multiple times since then, yet nobody can explain to me why since he has a bed alarm, a fall mat, and is supposed to be checked on frequently. After witnessing lots of the activities there I know what happens... when his alarm does go off (when they remember to set it or I do it) they ignore it. Multiple alarms are always going off in there, call help buttons are pushed, and they just get around to it with no urgency. Meanwhile I have witnessed nurses standing at the main station desk carrying on personal conversations, and one was even too busy texting on her phone to look up while I stood in front of her for almost a minute. They are understaffed, and although thankfully there are some excellent nurses there who actually are professional and take their job seriously, I have seen too many that seem to hate their work and take it out on the patients/residents. For all their talk of "care" and their promises, it leaves much to be desired. In my research, and also talking to some of the quality nurses that work there, I have found that sadly this is one of the better facilities in town. Our options are limited, there are only a handful of skilled care facilities, half of them had no room available, and apparently a couple others are even worse than this one. It should not be allowed.

I try to change the times I visit him so it doesn't get too predictable, and I'm rarely happy with what I find. Most days he is very confused and disoriented, to the point of having hallucinations. He is barely eating, has lost 11 pounds in the past 2 weeks, which is extremely dangerous for him...thankfully because he had a good appetite before he got sick, and has always loved his cakes and sweets, he had a few pounds as a buffer, but he is practically skin and bones now. His doctor is extremely concerned and has tried to explain to my dad how critical it is that he eats before he gets so sick they can't help him. The nurses get fed up trying to get him to eat, he says he doesn't want something and they take it away without trying to get him to eat. I understand they have other patients, but part of the doctor's orders for him are to see that he gets some calories each day, and sometimes that means being firm with him, not just letting him have his way. I try to be there for his meals, but short of living there 24/7 I just can't do it all. His insurance company is paying for them to care for him, not for me to live there and do it myself.... I could bring him home and do that. I wish I could bring him home, I know it would be better for him in lots of ways, at least he wouldn't be neglected, but unfortunately he is still too weak to walk on his own. Keep in mind, this is after 3 weeks, and the goal was to get him stronger and walking. Technically I should have brought him home yesterday, his particular insurance stops paying for coverage, but I'll worry about that obligation later. I agreed to let him stay one more week for continued therapy, but then came to find out that some of his therapy sessions have been "cut short" because he complains of being tired. The times I have been there he does his therapy, but I didn't want to be overbearing so I thought it best to let them manage that with him. I actually had the therapist tell me I was enabling him, so I stopped attending. I thought they would actually work with him since that is why he is there, not listen to a grumpy old man that is confused and out of sorts because they aren't giving him proper care. So, in a nutshell, it seems most of his time there has been wasted, and he has gotten worse, not better. It is their job to "encourage" him to do his therapy, not let him go waste away in a chair zoned out in front of a tv all day like a zombie. He eats a little when I bring him food or at least I can get him to eat more than they do, but his stomach is not used to much food anymore, so it's a challenge.

Last night was the last straw for me. I have known he has fallen a few more times than they have informed me. They know they are supposed to call me anytime of day or night, Our home is only about a mile away and I could be there in a moment, and so far I've been blessed that he has not taken any bad falls or broken anything, because in his weak condition it's possible and that would be the end of it all. I was with him last evening, he was very tired and irritable but not terribly confused. He ate a little food, and I tried to keep him up so he would sleep through the night, but around 9pm he was ready for bed. There have been times I have had to put him to bed by myself (which isn't easy) because even though I asked for help, after 15 or 20 minutes he got impatient and they were all too busy. Last night I needed help because he had no energy. As we were undressing him to put his pj's on, I noticed a lot of blood stains in his pants. Upon closer inspection, his underwear (depends) were bloody as well. I knew exactly what had happened because I have seen how some of the nursing staff handles him and is careless. My dad has a permanent catheter, and they insist on strapping the bag under his wheelchair, which is fine as long as someone actually does their job and cares enough to pay attention. They are so used to grabbing a patient, pulling them out of their wheelchair and putting them somewhere, that they often forget to look. I have had to remind several of them.... so what happened is someone moved him without checking, and pulled his catheter. Can you begin to imagine how painful that must have been for him? I'm sure he made it known... and all that blood??? Yet nobody said anything, and don't tell me they didn't notice. If we hadn't changed him into pj's last night, I might have never known about it. Thankfully the two nurses that were helping me are some of the professional ones, and they called the head nurse. They properly cleaned him up, but I told them that is borderline abuse and I am going to report it. I have no way of knowing who was responsible, but that is completely unacceptable to me, and on top of everything else, it's no wonder he isn't getting better. Once he was in bed, I came home, got my pillow and some toiletries, and went back there. I slept on his fall mat next to his bed. I didn't get much sleep, but at least I felt better knowing I was there in case he needed anything. He slept through the night, and I was able to get some breakfast into him. I came home for a couple hours of real sleep, and to do some of his laundry, and will go back later this afternoon. I don't think it is unreasonable of me to expect that he gets compassionate and thoughtful care in a place that promises that is what they exist to do. He is a nearly 89 year old man, if I can get him well enough to see that birthday, and he is weak and fragile. I shouldn't have to worry and stress about him when he's out of my sight. I've even had some of the other long term residents tell me I am there more than any family they have seen, and some of the confused patients mistake me for nursing staff. There are just so many things wrong with that place, but when it comes to hurting my dad more than helping him, I have no tolerance. In the meantime, I am trying to sort out some kind of occasional in-home healthcare assistance, because I fully intend on bringing him home at the end of the week regardless. I know it will be hard work, but I will do all I can for him, and I don't think leaving him there any longer will benefit him. I also intend on sitting in for all his physical therapy so it's not wasted time.

I'm not sure I will ever get my dad back to the fun-loving guy he was before he got sick, but I refuse to let him rot and wither away. The sad thing is that he also lost his older sister a couple weeks ago while he has been in this madhouse, and he was not coherent enough to understand.

Apologies for the super long post, and I do appreciate your kindness of thinking of my dad and me. I guess I just needed to get it out there.... Aging and sickness is surely not for the weak of spirit. I completely empathize with families going through this, because while I wish my experience was an isolated case, I realize that sadly it is not. Healthcare should be better for the elderly.

Thanks again, and please keep my dad in your prayers.

[JustJules]

Hi Noel and Croemer... just saw your posts. Thank you for your thoughts... guess my essay says it all.

[croemer]

I hear ya Jules, I have experienced the same problems dealing with my mom...especially the no alarm on her bed and her taking several bad falls. Short staff...yep ,,,scary! Best to you both...keep a close watch on him...we have had to.

[JustJules]

On 3/30/2014 croemer said:

I hear ya Jules, I have experienced the same problems dealing with my mom...especially the no alarm on her bed and her taking several bad falls. Short staff...yep ,,,scary! Best to you both...keep a close watch on him...we have had to.

It's just not right huh Croemer? Short of moving in there with him, I have to pray and hope every moment he is out of my sight. I'll feel better when I can get him home, but I know that will bring lots of challenges. I will no longer be able to just leave him to go to the grocery store or run errands, will require someone to watch him. I wish I had more family support, but the family I have that cares are all hundreds of miles away. Even their emotional support helps, but sometimes I am just overwhelmed. I am just one person, yet I feel like I need to be a one woman army to deal with all of it.

[BellaPaprika]

Jules, my heart goes out to you and your Dad. Sadly, the conditions you describe are not the exception.

I am employed in the health field. Without going into great detail, several years ago I had an elderly relative who was hospitalized and he too was told he needed to go to an extended care facility for therapy due to his general weakness, some confusion and unsteadiness when he walked. Having medical knowledge I knew that much of this was due to the post-op pain medication he was taking and the lack of regular activity for 4 days. I insisted on taking him home. I really think they thought I was insane but since I am in the medical field they didn't fight me on it. His case manager was clearly annoyed. The first few days were hellish but I had another family member to assist me. We had him sleep on the floor with padding to avoid falls, we patiently corrected him when he made no sense and I found that his pain was relieved just fine with Tylenol so the narcotics were not used. I made his favorite foods and made sure he ate them. I also made sure he drank plenty of water and juices as a big cause of confusion in the elderly is dehydration. We walked with him when he needed to get up and at night I slept in a chair next to where he was on the floor so I would be wakened by his getting up.

A week later he was still weak but able to get about the house pretty well and he was much less confused. Two weeks later he was his old self and to this day he thanks me for not letting him be sent to the nursing facility. We both know that he would have gone the route of your poor father. I have all the empathy in the world for people like yourself who have no one at home to help them.We have seen it happen to others. It's not that the facility staff don't care. It's just the way the system is run and the reality of the situation.

[croemer]

I understand Jules. I have a sister and we both work together most of the time...we feel the stress at times with each other and can snap from time to time,,,but we are two and it is better then one. You are a very good daughter to keep such a good eye on your Dad. You are doing your best and it is all you can do. Beating yourself up will not help... you can not be with him 24/7 he has lived a good life...you have done much and the rest is in God's hands.

[croemer]

On 3/30/2014 BlueCollarBabe said:

Jules, my heart goes out to you and your Dad. Sadly, the conditions you describe are not the exception.

I am employed in the health field. Without going into great detail, several years ago I had an elderly relative who was hospitalized and he too was told he needed to go to an extended care facility for therapy due to his general weakness, some confusion and unsteadiness when he walked. Having medical knowledge I knew that much of this was due to the post-op pain medication he was taking and the lack of regular activity for 4 days. I insisted on taking him home. I really think they thought I was insane but since I am in the medical field they didn't fight me on it. His case manager was clearly annoyed. The first few days were hellish but I had another family member to assist me. We had him sleep on the floor with padding to avoid falls, we patiently corrected him when he made no sense and I found that his pain was relieved just fine with Tylenol so the narcotics were not used. I made his favorite foods and made sure he ate them. I also made sure he drank plenty of water and juices as a big cause of confusion in the elderly is dehydration. We walked with him when he needed to get up and at night I slept in a chair next to where he was on the floor so I would be wakened by his getting up.

A week later he was still weak but able to get about the house pretty well and he was much less confused. Two weeks later he was his old self and to this day he thanks me for not letting him be sent to the nursing facility. We both know that he would have gone the route of your poor father. I have all the empathy in the world for people like yourself who have no one at home to help them.We have seen it happen to others. It's not that the facility staff don't care. It's just the way the system is run and the reality of the situation.

Wow you are very special Blue...truly!