Community Chat

[lilypadfrog]

There has been very good information provided here and strong support for yiu and your Father, jules. Many of us have gone through the same things with our parents. I worked as a social service director in nursing homes for many years. They all have their faults and tend to cycle in their quality of care. I think, sadly, that you may find they are providing the minimum care required by law so while a complaint or grievane to a state agency could have the potential to bring their shortcomings to an authority, it may be of no more value then to help you feel better. I always enouraged families to report if they felt that way. As for therapy, most state and federal law state a person can choose to receive care. That basically means that many therapists will allow a confused or tired person to refuse therapy. Trust the people on this board who tell you it would be a blessing to take him home. You can receive some help through local aging / elderly agencies who can provide much information. Your Father can receive therapy at home and wouldn't it be better for him to receive therapy in his own environment? Sorry this is so long.... I now work very hard to keep people out of those places. Good luck to you both.

[Summer Sunflowers]

So sorry your dad is going through all of this & I hope there is some kind of improvement in the days to come. Having gone through something similar a few times, I understand how sad & stressful it is for you. Hang in there.

[Free2be]

On 3/30/2014 BlueCollarBabe said:

Jules, my heart goes out to you and your Dad. Sadly, the conditions you describe are not the exception.

I am employed in the health field. Without going into great detail, several years ago I had an elderly relative who was hospitalized and he too was told he needed to go to an extended care facility for therapy due to his general weakness, some confusion and unsteadiness when he walked. Having medical knowledge I knew that much of this was due to the post-op pain medication he was taking and the lack of regular activity for 4 days. I insisted on taking him home. I really think they thought I was insane but since I am in the medical field they didn't fight me on it. His case manager was clearly annoyed. The first few days were hellish but I had another family member to assist me. We had him sleep on the floor with padding to avoid falls, we patiently corrected him when he made no sense and I found that his pain was relieved just fine with Tylenol so the narcotics were not used. I made his favorite foods and made sure he ate them. I also made sure he drank plenty of water and juices as a big cause of confusion in the elderly is dehydration. We walked with him when he needed to get up and at night I slept in a chair next to where he was on the floor so I would be wakened by his getting up.

A week later he was still weak but able to get about the house pretty well and he was much less confused. Two weeks later he was his old self and to this day he thanks me for not letting him be sent to the nursing facility. We both know that he would have gone the route of your poor father. I have all the empathy in the world for people like yourself who have no one at home to help them.We have seen it happen to others. It's not that the facility staff don't care. It's just the way the system is run and the reality of the situation.

How you took care of your dad is very inspirational. The idea of making a bed on the floor was a perfect answer for him and probably for a lot of other people who have fallen or might fall out of bed.

[AnikaBrodie]

Jules, I read your post with tears in my eyes. I am so sorry your dad is going through so much difficulty with what appears to be the ineptness of some (not all) of his care givers. Some care givers are wonderful and treat the residents as members of their own family. Others, unfortunately, are there only for the paycheck. I've had experience with my dad and mother-in-law being in a nursing home and had several problems regarding their care. In both cases I went to the director of nursing and subsequently the social worker to report problems. The social worker was able to resolve an issue with dad without my having to go to the administrator which was my next step.

You don't have to tolerate what I perceive as neglect. The social worker can be your friend as needed and I would advise you to discuss your dad's situation with him/her. I would also request an interdisciplinary team meeting where individual goals for your dad could be established with both you and your dad present. I would also encourage you to document his care or lack of it in writing. This documentation will be helpful if you choose to report stated issues to an advocate (i.e., ombudsman) outside the NH facility. There are resources for you and I urge you to use them.

My prayers are with you and your dad. I hope things improve for him to the point he can return to a good quality of life. (((Hugs))) Thanks for being such a wonderful daughter and advocate for your dad.

[mistriTsquirrel]

I'm sorry to read that you and your father are having to go through this, Jules. How maddening, frustrating, upsetting, stressful and irritating!!!

[gidgetgh]

Jules, a little more than 3 years ago, when my mom was dying, I came to these boards on two occasions and just poured my heart out. I remember, as I was typing, I thought...on a message board?? But I feel comfortable here and those two nights I needed to let it all out and so I did and everyone here was so supportive. I'll never forget it.

Thank you for the update. I'm so sorry your dad is having to go through all this. And I understand the toll it takes on the caretaker. So frustrating and worrisome that he doesn't seem to be receiving the level of care that you want and that he deserves. I'm hoping that this week he will rally and that you will be able to bring him home.

I'll continue to keep both of you in my thoughts. Take care.

[birddrops]

Jules, I am so sorry for what you and your Dad are going through. You are such a wonderful daughter.

No to go in to too much detail, but my dear Mom was in a Alzheimer's care facility at the age of 88. I hated so much that she had to be in there, but I could no longer care for her myself. She fell one night, or was pushed, still don't know what happened. She broke her hip and shoulder, after surgery she was too weak and in too much pain for rehab. She tried but just couldn't do it. She lasted about four weeks after the fall. I will feel the guilt for the rest of my life.

I wish you well in getting your Dad home and caring for him. You both will be in my thoughts. Take care and good luck. I know how hard this is.

[MickD]

Jules ~ My heart is breaking for you and your dad....and all the falls???? You need to report this to the state and get him the heck out of there asap....Three falls in a month in most states is reportable by law (by the staff). Good luck.

[jlkz]

Echoing above posters. My mother went through all the stages your dad's now going through. She was taken to emergency room twice for severe dehydration: they left the water on the nightstand even though she was incapable of reaching for it. Reported this and other abuse such as bedsores from lack of appropriate mattress, etc. but no abuse was found!!! My dad went in 6 weeks from a rare and agressive dementia-Parkinson's affliction known as Lewy Body Syndrome which strikes men. Same story from antipsychotic drugs through to not wanting to eat. My concern is for you: lifting his weight whether from a fall that occurs when there is no one near to help you can severely injure you--either now rendering you unable to maintain his care, or later necessitating limb replacement. My sister ( 60+ yrs. old) tried to help mom sit up in bed at the nursing home: she felt something in her shoulder but forgot about it until one year later there was an egg-sized ball of arthritis popping out of her shoulder. The pain forced her to have shoulder replacement which she said was way more painful and longer recuperation than her earlier knee replacement. PLEASE. BE. CAREFUL: your dad needs you as healthy as possible now and you need to stay healthy mentally and physically for yourself in the future. Caregivers need care too. God be with you.

[JustJules]

Thanks again to all of you for your contributions, thoughts, ideas and especially the good wishes and prayers. It helps to know I am not alone in my experience because it can begin to feel like a very solitary place, although I am sad to read that so many of you have had similar situations. It just proves the system is flawed, and when it comes to the care of our loved ones, anything that causes them harm or puts them in danger is not acceptable. I was with my dad yesterday and made sure he did his physical therapy, left then came back in the evening. He did eat better for supper, and was not quite as confused. I do realize that until he starts getting proper nourishment on a regular basis, the confusion is just going to come and go. His brain hasn't had the energy it needs to function properly, and he doesn't feel like eating much because his stomach has hardly had much food in it for the past few weeks.

I am doing my best to take care of me, but sleep is difficult...I have mostly restless nights worried about him and the future. I know worry is not productive, but sometimes it is hard to avoid. I do feel better about leaving my dad at night since there is a new male nurse that started a few nights ago. He is a big guy with a giant compassionate heart, that takes his job seriously. He has a military background so my dad can relate to him in his lucid moments, and he can single-handedly manage my dad without causing him discomfort. He is one of the nurses that helped me the night we found my dad's catheter had been pulled on. I feel more relieved knowing he is on watch. In the meantime I have been exploring home help options and trying to get our house prepared for dad's return.

Once dad is out of there, I will definitely be reporting this place for the numerous falls and what I have observed as just general neglect, in some instances bordering on abuse. A lady resident that just turned 100 a couple weeks ago was "allowed" to fall the other night, she is black and blue, and has a softball size round of stitches on her scalp. Again, these motion alarms go off and are ignored for too long. I am already one of their least favorite people to see, and while I am not there to make friends, I don't want to cause more turmoil than necessary since my dad will be out of there in just a few more days. I fear that the more I rock the boat, the more he might suffer.

I almost feel like I'm trying to break him out of prison, and while I don't kid myself that caring for my dad will be easy when he comes home, I do think it will be better for his recovery and well-being to be back in his normal environment. He is tired of being there, and I can get a physical therapist in home or learn to help him with his strength exercises. I'll bring him home by end of week. It for sure is an exhausting process and it seems like it's all an uphill battle, but I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try to do the best I can for him.

Thanks again to everyone for the support, this place really does have some amazing people and I am thankful for the encouragement and information.