1. My six-year-old loved his pet fish. He watched and fed him faithfully, morning and night. But one day while he was at school, his fish died so I flushed it down the toilet.
I told him when he got home, and he was inconsolable. Nothing I said helped. After awhile I asked, "Why are you
crying so much?" Arching his back, he shouted. "I wanted
to flush."
2. I'm lucky that my wife and mother are very close.
I realized just how close the time I drove my mother to
her doctor which my wife usually does. When the doctor
came into the room, my own dear mother introduced me
as her "daughter-in-law's husband."
3. Although I'd been dating a woman for several months,
I guess I didn't know her as well as I thought. One day
I called, and her ten year old son answered. "Hi, I said,
"It's Tom, can I speak with your mom?" He responded,
"Are you Tom 1 or 2?" Needless to say, his mother is now down to one Tom.
4. My daughter was anxious to do some landscaping at
her new home, but then she called up sounding
discouraged. "I don't think I'll ever get these flowers
planted, she moaned. "It says to plant in full sun, but
it's been cloudy for four days."
5. Toddler walks by with a hammer.
ME: What are you going to make?"
TODDLER" Noise.
QUOTABLE QUOTES
1. Some of the greatest conflicts are not between two
people but between one person and himself.
Garth brooks
2. All I need in a relationship is someone
to watch TV with me. Jennifer Lawrence
3. A smile is truly the best thing you can put on your face.
Christie Brinkley
4. I wouldn't want to come back through reincarnation.
Once was quite enough for me and everybody!
Hans Zimmer
Composer
5. I find television very educational.
The minute somebody turns it on, I go into the library
and read a good book.
Groucho Marx
NEVER SAY NEVER
1, Never give up your seat for a lady. That's how I lost
my job as a bus driver.
2. Never, under any circumstances, take a laxative and a
sleeping pill at the same time.
3. Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to
your level. It's cheaper.
4. Never get annoyed if your neighbor plays music at 2 a.m., call him at four and tell him how much you enjoyed it.
LAUGHTER
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every
two to three hours, what they fail to mention is that this
behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves
out of your house.
Halloween, Trick or Treat, my favorite holiday, where you
can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-
negotiable demand.
ME: Wow, nice costume.
COP: Step out of the car, sir.
Apartment life often means little privacy. I realized that
one day when my kitten was running around my bedroom,
climbing onto shelves and into the dresser as I was getting
ready for work. I finally exploded at the kitten: "You'd
better sit down, you're getting on my nerves!"
A second later, a voice from upstairs responded, "OK"
The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam
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