Community Chat

[Lindsays Grandma]

1.   Nothing says "I mean business" like using a shopping cart at the liquor store.

2.  Starving after hours of driving nonstop, my husband and I pulled over at a truck stop.  While he gassed up the car, I went into the restaurant and placed our order to go.  After writing it all down, the girl behind the register asked, "Will that be all for you?"  "No, I replied defensively.  "Some of it is for my husband."

3.   After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostrate medication, our daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm.  He replied, "Only if she starts hanging out at hardware stores and buys a lot of power tools."

4.   I was trapped in an elevator for 30 minutes before the doors finally opened.  Relieved, I said to a fellow hostage, "There's a first time for everything."  She grumbled back, "There's a last time for everything too."

5.   My 35-year-old son and I just finished our meal when I realized I'd left my wallet in my truck.  As I headed out the door, I told the waitress what had happened.  "But don't worry," I said with a grin.  "I'm leaving my son for collateral."  She looked at him.  He winked at her.  She turned back at me.  "What else you got?"

[TasMss]

Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots? 

Because he was picking his nose! 

[TasMss]

Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall? 

Because he had a terrible summer. 

[ann1989]

Did you see the recent Dr Phil episode?  A woman with three grown kids claims Putin is in love with her and sends her messages by the color of tie he wears out in public.  She said he is going to be coming for her and she will help him run the country and she will be queen of russia.  She said she has her fishing rod ready as she is especially fond of that picture of him bare chested when he was fishing.  The kids think she's crazy. 

[Mz iMac]

@Lindsays Grandma 

@TasMss 

[jeanlake]

1. Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
2. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
3. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
4. My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
5. I'm so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.

[ann1989]

There is no "p" in hamster. 

Millennial writer has meltdown over spelling of hamster and has mother call her editor.

Boss who is also a woman explains to millennial that she has misspelled hamster and young woman has a meltdown explaining that is how she learned to spell it and there was nothing wrong with it.  The boss said let's look it up together and millennial states no, she does not have to.  She calls her mother and puts her on speaker phone in the office for all to hear. 

google story

[ann1989]