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11-29-2019 08:49 AM
@liliblu You are probably right. He and his Dad lived with his Dad's parents when he got custody. When his Dad worked they let him do anything he wanted or say anything no matter how awful.
My family didn't allow him to curse or be rude. None of the other kids in my family were allowed to either.
I wouldn't be surprised that a lot of his behavior was his way of coping with his issues. Where was his mother? Did he have a relationship with her? What was his relationship like with his dad? How often did his living situation change. Kids (15 is still a kid) often act out when they are scared, hurt, or feel neglected. I'm not implying that had anything to do with your family. Or asking you to discuss any of this. Just that what's on the surface can mask a lot of pain.
11-29-2019 10:47 AM
@CalminHeart Rules are there to make those attending comfortable. Few want to experience crude table manners, it's disgusting and ruins appetites. It's stressful to not know how to behave or what to expect in any given situation.
Having learned manners, knowing proper behavior relieves that stress.
I don't impose rules on my guests. I want them to feel welcome and comfortable and be real. In 45 years of hosting and more years being a guest, I've never seen anyone be rude or misbehave in a way that bothered someone. Hosts know if any of their guests will be crude and if they still choose to invite them, then it's on the host. However, excluding someone for not having the best manners can also be considered crude, rude, depending on the relationship and situation.
I was at a partty, not at Thanksgiving time, at the home of one of my husband's co-workers. Everyone there was a co-worker and their spouse.
One married couple were clearly fighting when they got there and they were jabbing each other verbally for hours. I was in the kitchen when I heard a huge crash and lots of screaming and bad language. Then the wife ran through the kitchen and out of the door. She had the keys and got into the car, backed into someone else's car and took off like a bat out of hell.
Everyone's got quiet and I head the lady's husband apologizing. He kept saying "I am so sorry."
What had happened was, the wife threw something in anger and had broken the glass door front of the China cabinet in the dining room. There was glass everywhere. She also threw food drinks before she damaged their cabinet.
Shortly afterward, the couple got a divorce. My DH worked with this guy for 30 years and he remarried, but I don't think he was invited to any more parties after that incident...maybe he was but didn't show up.
I understand he never offerend to pay for the damage or clean up.
I learned one thing, if I had a guest that was clearly getting out of line, I would ask them to leave. I expect decent manners, not perfect, but decent.
11-29-2019 03:02 PM
@Isobel Archer Why did she say she was making it at your home? Did she break her oven, or was the electricity out? That's a new one, I've never heard of.
@qualitygal @Isobel Archer
People who don't consider other people pull stuff like this. But this does sort of take the cake or other desserts doesn't it? No, never heard of anyone doing this either! Lucky me huh???? LOL!!!
11-29-2019 10:37 PM
@NYC Susan I think when someone is always late that they didn't want to go. So in thank case why can't people just politely just say I don't enjoy get togethers and do go. It is no fun to be around a unhappy guest.And this is better than some lame reason made up to disinvite them selves.
For the people I've known who are habitually late, that hasn't been the case. They very much do want to go. It's about power. Of course it's rude and a complete disregard for others, but it's mostly about power and doing things on their terms. When I worked in the mental health field, I had a supervisor who was a classic example of this. And of course I saw patients with this issue too.
I absolutely agree that people should just stay home if they don't want to go. I've read many posts here with complaints about weddings, for example, complaining that it's a money grab, ithe time or location is inconvenient, etc. And I always think, "Just stay home!" As a bride or as a hostess, I certainly don't want people attending my event if they don't want to be there.
11-29-2019 11:01 PM
I am a gluten-free diabetic vegan. If you choose to invite me to your Thanksgiving meal, I expect to be fed as equally and heartily as any other guest at your meal.
@MaryLamb It is impolite to accept an invitation then walk in with one arm as long as the other.
You could bring a dish or two suitable for your needs; you don't have to go into all your health issues but introducing something different to the table is what the day is all about; everyone contributing a little something.
Your issues are not supposed to stop a person's traditional menu; and I'm pretty sure some of the dishes presented would be suitable.
And yes, I speak from experience.
I agree. Lots of people have dietary restrictions, but I would never let my own govern what a host chooses to serve. I've been in many situations where the main course was something I could not eat, so I just ate the things that I could. I wouldn't dream of making a fuss. And I certainly wouldn't expect (or want) an entire menu to be geared to me.
11-29-2019 11:35 PM
Uh-oh...I would fail at #5. Truthfully, if I was invited somewhere that I couldn't bring my little dog I would politely decline. We just can't stand leaving him alone. We went out to dinner dinner tonight & only had pu-pu's (appetizers) so we could rush back home to our puppy. That's how we choose to live our lives.
@SurferWife, as long as you politely decline, no one can fault you for your choice. I personally prefer that people keep their animals at home, especially if there are going to be many guests and losts of bustling around.
I do too.
I've had dogs all my life, and I've loved them all fiercely, but I never thought they belonged everywhere. There's nothing wrong with a dog being left at home, and in some cases they're much happier and safer there. I think it can be a huge imposition to bring a dog to someone's home when they're entertaining - depending on the people and the type of gathering, of course. They may have children with allergies or fear of dogs, or they may have their own pets or something else that may be problematic - or they just may not want to deal with animals in their home and the potential disruption, mess, etc.
To each their own, but as you said, @suzyQ3, I would prefer that people coming for Thanksgiving or something similar keep their pets at home. If that means they'll decline my invitation, so be it.
11-30-2019 12:22 AM - edited 11-30-2019 12:25 AM
I’m perfectly capable of not using my cell phone during dinner, but I’m certainly not putting it in anyone’s basket.
Me neither. I wouldn't go along with that. I certainly know enough not to use my phone during dinner, and it's perfectly fine in my handbag.
I've also never been in a situation where guests in someone's home had to be told not to use their phones. At our family Thanksgiving yesterday, for example, we had people of all ages, and a cell phone appeared only once - and that was when my uncle took a group photo to send to my nephew who is in the Army and stationed overseas. When my friends and family get together, in our homes or restaurants or anywhere else, talking to each other is always the priority.
I would find it insulting and embarrassing if I was ever asked to put my phone in a basket. The implication clearly is that people need to have their phones physically taken away - Otherwise they can't be trusted. That's much too juvenile for me.
11-30-2019 12:53 AM
Or make their mommy go and buy different rolls because the host didn't have the kind they liked. My niece did that one year. That was the last time I had thanksgiving with my husband's family.
Why was that a problem? If her parents paid for the rolls why is it an issue?
It wouldn't keep me from being with them for Thanksgiving, but I do see it as a problem. Children should not be catered to. Not every roll is going to be their favorite kind. Not everything in life is going to be exactly the way they want it to be. And they might end up liking a different kind of roll if they try it!
We do children no favors when we don't teach them how to roll with the punches. (Get it? Roll? ) But really, not everything is a big deal, and kids need to know that they can eat a different kind of roll and life will go on. Parents shouldn't be so determined to make life perfect for their kids because going forward life will not be perfect. And parents should not be slaves to their child's every whim.
So in that way I would see it as a problem. But not really my problem, and certainly not enough to keep me from ever spending Thanksgiving with them again. I wouldn't think much of their parenting skills, but that would be the extent of it.
11-30-2019 01:05 AM
TRUE Thanksgiving Story--rather long:
We had a large number of relatives coming to our small house and smaller kitchen--many people ONE oven kitchen. Thanksgiving. Turkey cooking, gravy being made--you get the picture. LOTS of dirty dishes. Pots pans etc.
As I was doing the final preparation, had all the food and ingredients in the oven, on the little stove, all over the counters and the teeny tiny center island a group arrives. With a dog. We don't have a fenced yard, nobody ASKED if they could bring a dog, or did we have room for a dog.
I step out of the kitchen to welcome people and when I walked back in, my teeny tiny center island had been CLEARED OFF, and there was a guest (the dog's mother) with a bag of flour and other ingredients MAKING A PIE! She basically shoved everything of mine to the laundry room and MADE AND BAKED a *&()*&^*** P I E in the middle of MY kitchen with me trying to get a dozen people cooked for and fed.
I nearly killed my husband that day because he let her do that. He learned a valuable lesson about whose house and home it is--ours! Seriously, can you believe someone would do that?
Anyway, if I am rather serious about entertaining tuests, you can see why. I thought I was going to go nuts trying to feed those people with someone having taken over my kitchen like that. To M A K E and B A K E a pie!
I've shot people for less than that ..... seriously, if someone has been asked to bring something, it should be ready to go ... fully cooked or baked and needs only to be put out. How can people be so clueless?
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