1. When people hear that my husband and I just celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary, they inevitably asked us the secret to our long successful marriage. In response, my husband will smile sweetly, nod my way, and explain, "We both love me.."
2. My friend took her teenage daughter to a new doctor for a checkup. The nurse asked the usual questions, including, if she had an STD, "No, said the teen, "We have a Toyota."
3. My eleven year old takes his homework seriously. One question required him to write a sentence using the word version. His sentence: "Have you heard of the version Mary?"
4. I had a garage sale with my little blond cairn terrier for company. Soon came the first customer. He took his time browsing and examining everything I had out for sale. Eventually he found something that interested him, "excuse me," he said. "How much for the dog?"
5. One day, my physician father treated himself to a plate of raw oysters and offered to share them with me. Just as I was about to dig in, he picked up an oyster, examined it, and commented, "They remind me of infected tonsils."
And that's the story of how he ended up eating the entire plate of oysters himself.
6. After my 91 year-old mother finished having her hair cut and shaped, the stylist announced, "There, now you look ten years younger." My mother, unimpressed, replied, "Who wants to look 81 years old?"
7. I accidentally threw away my four -year old's favorite candy wrapper. Please keep us both in your thoughts during this difficult time.
LAUGH LINES
8. I sleep with a knife under my pillow. You never know when somebody is going to break in and give you a cake.
9. People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
10. I used to be able to pull all-nighter's but now I can barely pull all-dayer's.
11. Any job is a dream job if you fall asleep in meetings.
12. There are many theories on why humans even need to sleep, but I'm pretty sure it's to charge our phones.
13. Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the Internet.
14. Love is like an endless cup of coffee at a crappy diner, only it won't give you heartburn and you'll actually enjoy it.
-Norah Mclienerry, Author
15. If you don't have a crazy Facebook friend, you are the crazy Facebook friend.
-Jimmy Kimmel, TV Show Host
16. One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and, if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words.
-johann Wolfgang von Goethe, Writer
17. All your troubles will disappear with Chanel No. 5 perfume on your neck. Well, they won't. But your troubles will smell delicious.
-Camila Cabello, Singer
18. Slowly is the fastest way to get to where you want to be. -Andre de Shields, Actor
19. I don't understand why people say, "I don't want to live forever." "Why not?"
-Alan Alda, Actor
20. Human connection is the only way we will win in our eventual war with robots.
-Amy Poehler, Comedian
21. Bloom where you are planted.
-Mary C. Day, Economist
22. In San Diego to work with military linguists, my colleague and I checked into a hotel and ordered a 5 A.M. wake-up call. The phone the next morning didn't ring until 5:30 A.M.
"You were supposed to call us at 5:00 A.M." I admonished the desk clerk on the other end of the line.
"What if I had to close a million-dollar contract this morning? Your oversight would have cost me the deal."
"Sir, he said calmly, if you had to close that type of deal, I doubt you'd be staying in this type of hotel."
22. A man came through my lane at the grocery store with a jug of wine and a bouquet of roses. But before paying for them, he set them down saying he would be back in a minute. He ran off only to return with another jug of wine and bouquet of roses. "Two girlfriends?" I asked. "No, he said, "Just one really angry one."
23. I grew up above my father's tavern. When we were kids we would race each other down the stairs in the morning to sweep up the bar and find the change customers dropped during the night. Years later as an adult, I found out that our father would throw a few coins over the bar for us to find in the morning. It cost him only a few dollars a day to have us fight to be the first ones to clean the bar.
THINKING OF COMMITTING A CRIME?
24. *After pleading guilty to transferring and receiving stolen property, do not ask the judge whether he's interested on seeing the collection of ties you have for sale.
25. *When appearing court, do not wear the exact outfit and accessories you wore during your crime. Also avoid security cameras.
26. *If you're running from the scene of your crime, the law will find you if you leave your wallet. And your car. And your friends sitting in your car.
27. *When choosing a car to break into to steal the credit cards inside, please do not select the car that belongs to the judge's wife.
28. *Do not plan your felony over the pay phone in your jail pod next to that sign that reads, "All phone calls are monitored and recorded.
29. *Calling a tow service to haul a broken-down ATV you are in the process of stealing creates a paper trail. And a witness.
30. *Demanding a change of menu' from the judge will not get you out of jail.
READER'S DIGEST
The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam
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