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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,889
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

[ Edited ]

I haven't read all the responses but this post really resonated with me. My now 94 year old mother was driving after she turned 90. She has used a cane for several years but really needs a walker. It got to the point where she could hardly get in and out of her car. I had tried in vain to use persuasion to get her to stop driving. I knew I had to do something because her reflexes were too slow to be behind the wheel. I talked to her about killing innocent pedestrians, children, families, etc. Nothing worked. Finally, I made the five hour trip to accompany her to her cardiology check-up. I asked Mom's doctor to please explain why she should not be driving. The doctor calmly explained why she should not be driving. It worked.

 

People of my mother's generation revere doctors. Her doctor's calm but convincing arguments did the trick. Mom sold her car (she was thrilled to get that extra cash) and now has drivers whom she can call to take her shopping and to medical appointments. I also place online orders for her to receive grocery deliveries. These arrangements are more difficult than getting into her car and going where she pleases but she is no longer a danger to herself or others.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,588
Registered: ‎03-18-2010

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

I reported my mom to the DMV (Calif) 5 years ago -- she was 93.  I did it confidentally online.  I was visiting out of state and several things happened (like taking her foot off the brake when she got out of the car to help me -- I told her no and xhe hit the car in front of her loading luggage in front of the airport, on the way to the airport she thought a bus was coming into her lane and she hit a wire fence and on the way home changing lanes without looking).  I finally had to admit to my 2 sisters  as my mom was so upset that someone reported her and then my mom yelled at me on the phone.  She took driving lessons and passed -- can only drive on surface streets in the Los Angeles area (very bad traffic).  They renewed her license until she's 102!!!  My sisters were angry at me for doing this.  She lives alone and has been divorced for many years.  I worry that she will kill someone and then she will lose her house (it's paid for) and be put in a home, which she doesn't want.  My sister's name is on the title with her on her car (she bought her a new car years ago) so she could take it off and then my mom wouldn't be able to drive, but she won't do it.  There's nothing more I can do.  My mom is a great manipulator and will twist things around so that I'm blamed for things.  I just can't believe her doctor would say it's ok for her to drive and sign off on that.  She has plenty of money for a taxi or uber.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 10,894
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

Unless you have Power of Attorney,  you have no legal right to take your parent's keys or car anymore than they can take yours. I find it disrespectful to lie to one's parents, to sneak around reporting them, to treat them like they were childen. The OP's mother is completely competent to conduct her own affairs and is doing so; the decision is hers. 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,921
Registered: ‎06-12-2013

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT


@occasionalrain wrote:

Unless you have Power of Attorney,  you have no legal right to take your parent's keys or car anymore than they can take yours. I find it disrespectful to lie to one's parents, to sneak around reporting them, to treat them like they were childen. The OP's mother is completely competent to conduct her own affairs and is doing so; the decision is hers. 


How would you feel if they killed one of your loved ones??

 

The point is they do become the children again and have lost all reasoning and are selfish. But this time they are operating a machine that can kill someone.

 

Mine still pays their bills yet I have to do all the banking because they can't figure out how to do a deposit slip, or a bank statement. They cannot hear, uses a walker, falls all the time and yet you're okay with them driving??

 

I do have POA and it is still a struggle, so walk in our shoes and then talk.

 

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,339
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT


@occasionalrain wrote:

Unless you have Power of Attorney,  you have no legal right to take your parent's keys or car anymore than they can take yours. I find it disrespectful to lie to one's parents, to sneak around reporting them, to treat them like they were childen. The OP's mother is completely competent to conduct her own affairs and is doing so; the decision is hers. 


Couldn't disagree more.  It's heartbreaking to read in the news about elderly people with dementia or terrible driving skills killing innocent people with their vehicles.  A few years ago a man plowed his car into a crowd of people at a farmer's market and killed many of them.  Everyone asked why his family hadn't intervened and tried to get him to stop driving his car?  It IS the family's responsibility.  It isn't disrespectful to lie to one's parent when they have dementia and can no longer think rationally.  You start off with honesty, and then you do what you have to do for everyone's safety.

 

We are starting to face this situation with my mother, and already went through it a couple of years ago with my Dad who had Alzheimer's.  We had a heck-of-a-time getting my mother on board, as she was in denial about how bad-off my Dad really was.  You know what it took?  I told my mother that someday my Dad was going to be in an accident that hurt somebody and then she was going to get sued and lose every penny she had.  The thought of being broke alarmed her enough that she called the doctor and had him break the news to my Dad.  The thought of hurting somebody in an accident didn't seem to concern my Mom, but the thought of losing all of her money did.  My Mom isn't an uncaring person, her thinking process had just become skewed.

 

I wish the OP best wishes in handling this situation.  It's a difficult one to go through.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,354
Registered: ‎08-15-2014

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

@Shanus

 

Just have the conversation.  There's no easy way to do it.

 

And do it quickly before she injures/kills herself or another driver. 

 

 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,671
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

I can reason with concerns here.  Yet someday all will be in the same position as your parents, "What goes around, comes around".

 

My 52 year old DIL, has wrecked three cars and can no longer drive, same with her son. Now the burdon is on  my son.  Thank God he doesn't,t have to worry about me.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,482
Registered: ‎04-17-2010

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

Call her insurance agent and tell him or her that your mother's driving could be dangerous to both herself and others.  The agent can request a physical examination, reflexes, eyes, etc in order for your mother to continue being insured. 

 

I feel your pain.  This is what I had to do in order to get my father off the roads.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 10,894
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT

The OP's mother does not have dementia so all this talk of parents who are confused, get lost...is irrelevant. It does not apply. Her mother has a minor disability otherwise she is as competent as those posting. Should those with physical disabilities be prevented from driving? There are lousy drivers in every age group, every social/economic level, both women and men, married and unmarried. Should a spouse take the keys from their wife or husband if they judge them a lousy driver? If so then traffic jams would be eliminated since the roads would be virtually empty.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 18,504
Registered: ‎05-23-2010

Re: TAKING LICENSE AWAY FROM ELDERLY PARENT


@occasionalrain wrote:

The OP's mother does not have dementia so all this talk of parents who are confused, get lost...is irrelevant. It does not apply. Her mother has a minor disability otherwise she is as competent as those posting. Should those with physical disabilities be prevented from driving? There are lousy drivers in every age group, every social/economic level, both women and men, married and unmarried. Should a spouse take the keys from their wife or husband if they judge them a lousy driver? If so then traffic jams would be eliminated since the roads would be virtually empty.


 

 

As competent *to drive* as those posting? Let's hope not.

 

"Her driving has gotten very bad...difficulty staying in her lane, notice she doesn't come to complete stop, no signal when turning or changing lanes and worst of all, she doesn't use her mirrors to back up or see when changing lanes."

 

As we age, even if we're sharp as a tack mentally, our reaction times slow, in part because doing something rapidly causes physical pain, and our brains slow us down without us even being aware of it.

 

And surely, the depth perception is off here, as well as peripheral vision and probably vision in general.

 

Some people have these issues at 50, some have them at 70, MOST have them at 80+.  It doesn't matter what age, drivers getting behind the wheel with greatly reduced physical abilities are just as dangerous as those with mental disabilities.

 

Those with DOCUMENTED (as far as DMV requirements) disabilities of ALL kinds *that affect their driving ability* should be prevented from driving any way it can be accomplished short of a straightjacket.

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