Community Chat

[Shanus]

I'm visiting my 88 yr. old mother in her retirement community. She has her own apartment, not assisted living. She just started using a walker a few months ago & takes a cane (only) when driving because can't fold & lift walker.

Her driving has gotten very bad...difficulty staying in her lane, notice she doesn't come to complete stop, no signal when turning or changing lanes and worst of all, she doesn't use her mirrors to back up or see when changing lanes. 

We obviously need to take her license away before she hurts herself or someone else. How do you approach this subject? She'll be losing her ability to go food shopping herself, have nails done, etc. Yes, there is van service provided here, but she likes her freedom & doesn't want to be on their schedule. Help!

[SydneyH]

Either you will have to have the conversation and take it away or have her doctor do it.  It's a safety issue for everyone involved.

[Nuttmeg]

Have you talked to her PC doctor?

[Snowpuppy]

Most states have a process to retest drivers when requested.

Contact your Motor Vehicles Division in her state. She wll have to retest. 

They will take her license and never tell her who asked to be retested.

[occasionalrain]

Have you talked with her about her driving misdeeds and your concern? Perhaps she will correct them if she knows that if she doesn't, sooner than later either the police will detain her or she will have an accident. In either event she will lose her license to drive.

[Lila Belle]

Tough! My grands are all in their 90's (93-96) and all gave up their keys a few years ago. It took friends who had accidents and one where my nan was a passenger in a car with an 86 y/o driver and suffered a broken hand and several ribs for them all to stop driving. The driver sustained a fractured femur and died 6 months later.

My parents had tried for a few years to persuade them to use their communities vans and drivers. My nan's accident was a wake up call for them all.

[VenturaHighway]

@ShanusThe hardest thing I ever had to do was take my Sweet Mother's car away from her. She had run into a car at the grocery store.

I sat her down and said that it was time for her to quit driving. I told her that I didn't want her to get hurt or someone else getting hurt. No matter what she said, I knew that day, I would take her car away. There just comes a time when we have to be the parent.

She took it rather well, though she was sad. I lived close so I was able to take her most every place.

My next step was having to sell her home because she would leave pans on the stove. A home that my Dear Father built and they had lived there for almost 40 years.

[Shanus]

@occasionalrain  We've been pointing this bad driving and ultimately selling the car for 2 yrs. Not getting anywhere. Hoping it doesn't take an accident to get message across.

[Shanus]

@VenturaHighway  It is sad and difficult to have to make these decisions. It's hard enough watching them get older, isn't it?

[shoesnbags]

My dad was a very hard headed person who would never have listened to us.  Mom was battling cancer.  So we turned to Dad's heart doctor to do the deed. We confided our problem before a regularly scheduled visit. The dr. told dad that his combination of meds were not compatible with safe driving.  Dad asked what would happen if he just stopped taking the meds.  Dr. looked him straight in the eye and answered, "You would die."  And that was that.  We were very fortunate that the wonderful doctor was willing to bend the truth for the greater good.  And it was a little easier for Dad's ego to believe that it was the meds rather than his own decreasing abilities.