Community Chat

[guatmum]

Brinklii, I totally agree - being lonely and being alone are DEFINITELY different things. In fact, most people who have been single all of their lives are not lonely at all. People who are lonely tend to be those who were in a relationship and it has ended somehow. Loneliness is all about a lack of social connections, not so much having another warm body in the room. That's why people should never assume that someone who is single/alone is lonely and that someone who is married/couple isn't.

[Preds]

On 2/18/2014 Linders Back said:

I can't believe it took a group of experts studying this to come to that conclusion.

Of course it did. They had a bunch of money they needed to spend, so therefore another obvious study.

[QueenDanceALot]

On 2/18/2014 guatmum said:

Brinklii, I totally agree - being lonely and being alone are DEFINITELY different things. In fact, most people who have been single all of their lives are not lonely at all. People who are lonely tend to be those who were in a relationship and it has ended somehow. Loneliness is all about a lack of social connections, not so much having another warm body in the room. That's why people should never assume that someone who is single/alone is lonely and that someone who is married/couple isn't.

ITA.

I'm not sure about most people who are single all of their lives not being lonely at all, though. Are there stats that back this up?

I do know many married people who appear to be quite lonely, though.

[QVC Shopper]

On 2/18/2014 guatmum said:

Brinklii, I totally agree - being lonely and being alone are DEFINITELY different things. In fact, most people who have been single all of their lives are not lonely at all. People who are lonely tend to be those who were in a relationship and it has ended somehow. Loneliness is all about a lack of social connections, not so much having another warm body in the room. That's why people should never assume that someone who is single/alone is lonely and that someone who is married/couple isn't.

Statistics show married men outlive single men.

[Puzzle Piece]

Probably so but it's different from person to person. Being alone and being lonely are two different things.

[Cakers1]

On 2/18/2014 AngelPuppy1 said:

I very much agree with this. I think when a person is lonely, they feel depressed, isolated, forgotten and unloved. Your spirits are low and you just lose the will to live. You figure what is the use? No-one cares and no-one will notice and I don't matter to anyone. It's a disconnect to life. And no wonder. Everyone wants to be needed and loved.

Sweet post. ita

[esmerelda]

Deb1010again...loved your #3 post above. You're a very kind person.

[guatmum]

On 2/18/2014 KittyLouWhoToo said:

On 2/18/2014 guatmum said:

Brinklii, I totally agree - being lonely and being alone are DEFINITELY different things. In fact, most people who have been single all of their lives are not lonely at all. People who are lonely tend to be those who were in a relationship and it has ended somehow. Loneliness is all about a lack of social connections, not so much having another warm body in the room. That's why people should never assume that someone who is single/alone is lonely and that someone who is married/couple isn't.

ITA.

I'm not sure about most people who are single all of their lives not being lonely at all, though. Are there stats that back this up?

I do know many married people who appear to be quite lonely, though.

Actually, there are, especially for women. Some studies of life happiness (which I would assume means at least an absence of loneliness) done using people over 50 show that the happiest groups are men who have always been married to the same person and women who have never been married (they "tie" in their degree of happiness in later years). Try going to Bella dePaulo's site (her first and last name dot com) to see a lot of studies that talk about forever singles, the myths about the health/psychological benefits of marriage, studies that are reported in mainstream media, and the debunking of many of those studies by Dr. DePaulo. Unfortunately, what we tend to hear is someone's spin on a study, even the spin of the data by the author of the study itself. Dr. DePaulo actually looks at data. She is an expert at study design and methodology and pulls apart the data to determine what is good, what is bad, and what is missing.

I think loneliness is more prevalent among singles maybe in our 30s and 40s when so many are still trying to achieve that "social mandate" of getting married and are also, especially without the help of a partner, still trying to build their lives. In our 20s we usually have some sort of "tribe" around us as singles and by the time we reach 50, most of us who are lifelong singles seem to have our lives put together and most that I know have many social connections. Though all of that is just my own conjecture. Studies do show that marrieds are less likely to keep up with social and extended family connections once they are married. Other countries call our style of marriage "insular marriage." That phenomenon alone may be why marriage in our country does not necessarily equate with lack of loneliness.

[Yardlie]

On 2/18/2014 KittyLouWhoToo said:

On 2/18/2014 guatmum said:

Brinklii, I totally agree - being lonely and being alone are DEFINITELY different things. In fact, most people who have been single all of their lives are not lonely at all. People who are lonely tend to be those who were in a relationship and it has ended somehow. Loneliness is all about a lack of social connections, not so much having another warm body in the room. That's why people should never assume that someone who is single/alone is lonely and that someone who is married/couple isn't.

ITA.

I'm not sure about most people who are single all of their lives not being lonely at all, though. Are there stats that back this up?

I do know many married people who appear to be quite lonely, though.

I don't know if there are stats on this, but I do know that I am not lonely...and I am single. Not everyone needs as much social interaction as the next person. However, I am involved in several things in the community, have many friends, and have my two cats. I treasure my "alone time" with just me and the kitties.

My three closest married friends are not involved in things in the community and seem very needy as far as needing to get together with other friends frequently. It's like their husbands aren't enough...they need more. I tried to get them involved in community activities, but they just are not interested. They seem lonely to me.

[guatmum]

On 2/18/2014 QVC Shopper said:

On 2/18/2014 guatmum said:

Brinklii, I totally agree - being lonely and being alone are DEFINITELY different things. In fact, most people who have been single all of their lives are not lonely at all. People who are lonely tend to be those who were in a relationship and it has ended somehow. Loneliness is all about a lack of social connections, not so much having another warm body in the room. That's why people should never assume that someone who is single/alone is lonely and that someone who is married/couple isn't.

Statistics show married men outlive single men.

That's not necessarily due to a lack of loneliness or even due to happiness. They have, as marrieds, a greater access to and choice of health care (in a recent study, some doctors in this country actually admitted to being less aggressive in the treatment of cancer in singles because they assumed they didn't have the support at home to deal with the higher degree of difficulty they would experience with such a treatment) and married men are often given promotions and raises over men who are single even when all else is equal (yes, there are studies to prove it). They also have a partner who nags them to go to the doctor and often nags them about eating and exercising in a healthy way. There are MANY other factors involved independent of loneliness. Also, there is a "cheat" in those kinds of statistics you cite. They compare men who are married (which we can only assume means marriage works for them at that moment in time some way) to quite a diverse group of men who are single. In "single" they lump together divorced, widowed, always single, etc. That's like testing a drug, letting everyone who finds the drug doesn't work for them stop using it, and then declaring the drug a huge success because all of those in the group titled "using the drug" are finding it makes them healthier.

And remember, statistics require longitudinal data. Times are changing quickly. Men today who are not choosing to ever marry (which are the ones in the group I was speaking about in my original post) are finding a much larger peer group and much more societal acceptance. The stats about them may be very different from the ones you cited in 30-40 years.