Stepmother: hurtful - Page 3

momtochloe · ‎11-03-2013

@NativeJax I once had my ex-mother-in-law tell me I wasn't "pretty" enough to be in their family . . . my then husband was in the next room and I saw his shoulders slump as she flung that at me. I always knew she was a bully but I always thought she knew better than to come after me. I politely told her that even "pretty" people had problems and I was quite satisified with myself. You could hear a pin drop in the room as no one ever spoke to her like that.

Clearly this woman learned at an early age to attack rather than defend her rather hollow insides. You are a good woman who is helping your dad through a difficult time. Try not to rise to the bait as that is what she is looking for.

SaRina · ‎04-17-2015

I can see how telling her to bug off or even telling her how hurtful it is can lead to further discussion and/or fighting, so how about redirecting?

Any time she mentions it, respond by smiling and complimenting her on something about herself: "I love that blouse! Those colors look great on you!", "Your hair looks terrific today. What shampoo do you use?", etc.

While this tactic may sound a little bizarre, it may shut her up. She may get caught up in the compliment about herself. Kill 'em with kindness as the saying goes.

Cakers3 · ‎06-17-2015

@Marp wrote:
@NativeJax, is this a new behavior for your step-mother? How long has she been married to your dad?

If it is a new behavior I would chalk it up to the stress from your dad being so ill so she is lashing out at anyone/everyone as a coping mechanism.

If this is a long term behavior and has become worse since your dad became so ill I would have to consider whether she is trying to cause a rift between you and your dad either by you at some point saying something to him or deciding to stay away in order to avoid her.

Good wishes that you are able to maintain control and continue to ignore her.

Would it do any good to preempt her and bring up the mole first, taking the wind out of her sails so to speak?

@Marp No because the stepmother is looking to make a point of the mole - so whether she brings it up or NativeJax brings it up doesn't matter - the subject is still brought to the forefront which is what the stepmother is looking to achieve.

Once the Op has acknowledged the stepmothers "concern" and has concluded the issue it will fade away.

"" Compassion is a verb."-Thich Nhat Hanh

Tinkrbl44 · ‎08-23-2010

@NativeJax wrote:
So I have a stepmother who keeps encouraging me to remove a light colored mole on my face. I have had the doctor tell me it doesn't and shouldn't be removed unless I want a scare. Anyway, it's not a large or dark mole...probably the size of a BB pellet. Now she has taken it upon herself to point it out on my face and mention to others..."don't you think she should get that removed? It looks like s wart on her face" last night I was watching my dad as he is ill and she wanted to go off with her children and grandchildren and as soon as they walked in she asked her daughter that and in front of me. Then Kate Winslet was on tv and she pointed out that Kate Winslet had two warts on her face (moles). I was like are you kidding me! She is a mega superstar and her mole on her cheek looks almost identical to mine. I quipped back that apparently it doesn't bother anyone in Hollywood. It's really very rude of her and I am about sick of it. Just venting as I have to do dinner with them tonight.....ugh

@NativeJax

I don't understand why you are just taking this .... you need to (politely) put her in her place, or it will just continue ... and it will continue to upset you. Noel suggested wording upthread which is very good. You really need to stand up to her and make this stop.

BTW, Is the doctor concerned about a cancer scare? If so, the mole should be removed and biopsied, asap.

Kate Winslet, Eva Mendes and Cindy Crawford kept their moles, and their careers seem to be doing just fine.

FranandZoe · ‎03-09-2010

I don't agree that you should ignore/put up with it. TELL her to back off. You can do it in a nice way but she is way out of line and should be told.

tedEbear · ‎03-22-2015

Is she trying to put space between you and your Dad? Put some eyebrow pencil or mascara on it and tell her it is a beauty mark, just like days gone by. Don't let her get to you! Everyone is under stress, you need only to concentrate on your Dad!!!!!!!-----tedEbear

KathyPet · ‎03-09-2010

take her to the side outside of you father's hearing and simply tell her that you are fed up with the discussion about your moles and that you will not listen to another word about it. Why are you venting here? Speak up for yourself and tell HER.

Marp · ‎03-09-2010

@KathyPet wrote:
take her to the side outside of you father's hearing and simply tell her that you are fed up with the discussion about your moles and that you will not listen to another word about it. Why are you venting here? Speak up for yourself and tell HER.

I would guess she is venting here instead of starting a confrontation with her step-mother out of consideration and concern for her dad who could end up caught in the middle.

Often, when caring for and being concerned about a loved one one has to swallow their words to keep the peace. OP's dad should be her first consideration.

What is good for the goose today will also be good for the gander tomorrow.

Preds · ‎12-17-2012

I happen to like the mole on my chin and since you are happy with yours I'd just tell her that. Also, tell her that she shouldn't be dicusssing your face with anyone but you. Or you could tell her that you'll get it removed as soon as she removes her nose from your business. Your mole, your face and none of her darn business.

Fate whispers to her, "You cannot withstand the storm." She whispers back, "I am the storm."