Re: Stepmother: hurtful

Deanie · ‎03-09-2010

@Marp While your theory has merit, the stepmother is not concerned about not upsetting her husband,

Deanie · ‎03-09-2010

@SaRina and yet you still recall it today. I believe words have a lasting impression. Similar to spears and barbs thrown. They can be healing or hurtful. They can be very long lasting and similar to a mole removal, leaving a permanent scar. So, to follow Maya Angelou, "when someone reveals themselves, believe them the first time" and, I would add, avoid them.

NYC Susan · ‎03-13-2010

@Tinkrbl44 wrote:
@mom43 wrote:
I know it is hurtful and I would let her know that. Next time she mentions it, I'd confide that you appreciate her concern but that the dermatologist recommended that you leave it alone for now. That you are already aware of it, and it bothers you when she brings it up. In other words, treat her as if you believe she's being helpful and not nasty. I find that if I treat some people the way I want them to be (and not the way they really are) some start to act the way I want them to behave. (I think they don't want me to know they're really awful people.)

If that doesn't work, I'd agree with those that recommend you taking the high road here. She could make it difficult for you to see your father and that's not what any of you need at this time.
@mom43

I'm not sure I would tell her it bothers me or is hurtful .... I think that is exactly what she wants! She WANTS to make you feel uncomfortable and I don't think I'd give her the satisfaction of knowing she's been successful.

If NJ doesn't want to have a conversation about her bad behavior, then she can just dismiss it by saying, No, I'm not having it removed ... the Dermatologist said to leave it alone!

Where can the Ugly Stepmother go with that response?

I agree with this. And if she does go further, I would add something like, "And, with all due respect, it's not up to you". Then I would smile sweetly and change the subject.

KateinOK · ‎08-09-2010

@ Native Jax so sorry you have to deal with this woman for the sake of your father. Many hugs to you. The lady is jealous of your beauty, strength, confidence, and the solid relationship you have with your father. You have been classy and that probably also annoys her. She wants to hurt you and pull you down to her level. She is a bully. Thank heaven your father has you to count on. Continue to ignore her with a smile knowing that you are taking the higher road. I really respect you and empathize with you. Hang in there and God Bless. I bet you are beautiful, inside and out! :-)
Kate

goldensrbest · ‎03-10-2010

@NativeJax, does she treat you well in other ways? If not, i would say she she is jealous of you, if she does treat you well,i would just tell her it upsets you,and each time she brings it up,tell her to shut up!!!

When you lose some one you L~O~V~E, that Memory of them, becomes a TREASURE.

SaRina · ‎04-17-2015

@Deanie wrote:
@SaRina and yet you still recall it today. I believe words have a lasting impression. Similar to spears and barbs thrown. They can be healing or hurtful. They can be very long lasting and similar to a mole removal, leaving a permanent scar. So, to follow Maya Angelou, "when someone reveals themselves, believe them the first time" and, I would add, avoid them.

@Deanie - Yes, of course I recall those words today...... only because this situation reminded me of it. But recalling it doesn't mean I'm still living with the hurt I felt back then -- I can actually recall it with some humor. In many, if not most cases, words can only permanently scar you if you allow them to.

When I was young, those words stung like heck -- my ego was bruised. The difference is,.. today I am older and, hopefully, wiser. I can understand those words for what they were and from whom they came.I understand now that harsh words almost always come from a person who is in a place of pain. If "you" can understand this, you can rise above hurtful words and not take them personally.....(except maybe from those with whom I have an extremely close and loving relationship. Even so....)

Yes, there are occasions and situations where it's wisest to completely walk away from a toxic person -- and goodness knows, I have done that many times because it was healthier for me and in my best interest -- but, IMO, this may not be one of those times. No one here can make an accurate call because we obviously don't really know the individuals involved or the situation.

A person who is in emotional or physical pain can become angry, harsh, and critical. A kinder approach towards such a person can ameliorate the situation. In this situation, I can only suggest a kinder approach to the OP......to avoid strife.....and for her own benefit.....as the need may arise for her to be on good terms with her stepmother. After all, her stepmother is her dad's wife.

A motto I live by as a result of my own personal experience is, "Don't (necessarily) burn your bridges" and I think this is one bridge that should try to remain intact...at least for now.

Yardlie · ‎03-10-2010

I have three stock answers for when someone asks me a nosy question:

1. It isn't open to discussion, Mary (or whatever her name is).

2. It doesn't bother me, so let's discuss something else.

3. It's not your problem, so let's not go there.

A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal. ~~ Steve Maraboli

Campion · ‎10-21-2011

The next time Stepmother points out the mole with others present, stand up and in a CLEAR VOICE firmly say to her, close to her face, "I would never embarrass you in front of others about a personal thing as you have just done to me. " that should take her breath away, as she has just been called out for rude behavior. She'll stop, because it's no longer about the mole issue, it's about her lack of respect for your dignity.

Shogirl · ‎12-06-2010

My mother-in-law is similar in that she says things to many people that could be construed as rude. One day I had enough and just told her that I thought it was rude what she was saying and asked her to please not say those things to me again. It was a simple conversation and she didn't argue with me, and she agreed not to say the offensive comments to me again. To-date, she has kept her word and not said those awful things in my presence, so it worked...AND, the most important thing is that she apparently doesn't hold it against me.

NicksmomESQ · ‎08-19-2014

Some years back after my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer my uncle & his new wife took her out to dinner.The witch had the nerve to tell my mother that she looked terrible & needed a makeover.She offered to take mom to a spa!! Mom's response was perfect.She looked at her & said" I am not going to spend the little time I have left on vanity.I'm going to spend it with my daughter & her family making memories!!" She then looked at her brother & said "good luck with this one you're going to need it". The next time he came to see mom he was alone.He apologized for his"I'll mannered wife".

You're step mom has no class!! I'm sure you look lovely!!