Community Chat

[hckynutjohn]

LilacTree,

From your reply to my last post I can relate exactly to how my issues effected my mother. She, through no fault of her 

own, was in the middle of these issues with my sisters.She was battling serious heart issues at this time and was retired.  

Since all 3 of my older sisters

were married with their own families, my mother and I lived together in her home. It was during all those years when I had no choice but to work the night shifts, and those even changed a few times over those years.

Needless to say, my mother and I were very close and had been all of my life. It was easy for me to see the strain and unhappiness these problems with my sisters was doing to her. That is when I promised her I would do everything I could to change the relationship with my 1 sister.

The issues with my 2 sisters were separated by a few years while my mother was still alive and for very different reasons. 

Seems like right after the issue with the younger of my 2 sisters(which was over the care of our mother was put to rest, my niece(daughter of my oldest sister) decided to get a divorce.

That sister wanted me to get involved in those proceedings and I said "no way". 

I had known her husband long before she married him and my advice to her was "do not marry this guy". My sister even asked me to try to talk her out of this marriage, and that is why I had  private talk with my niece and advised her that this(kinda friend of mine) was not ready to get married.

No sale! Worse yet, I was asked to be in her wedding party, and I declined. She was not happy/my sis was not happy, and my mom was not happy. Even my other 2 sisters were not happy because I refused, even though all of them I had told my reasons for not wanting to be a part of this wedding. I did not even want to attend the wedding, but did so because my mom really wanted me to at least show up, for my sister if nothing else.

I think their marriage lasted about 18 months and then came the "asking me to be part of the divorce proceedings". I told both my mom and my sister "I did not want to be part of them getting married, and no way was I going to be a part of them getting divorced".

I didn't and my sister did not talk with me for almost 3 years. I again promised my mom I would try my best to change this and I managed to do so before our mother died.

Another very long story, but were some very trying times, primarily for my mother, and not too easy for me.

Be well,

[VioletEyes]

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@LilacTree wrote:

I saw this in a post this morning and can't remember where.  However, it struck a cord in me, as it is so true of one member of my family, and I find it so sad and tragic.  I do love her, but she won't accept it, and I don't think she has it in her to love me back.

There is one exception, she does love her two children, even though she is hard on them.  I have often found comfort in that.

 Gently, I think your definition of "love" may be completely different than your oldest daughter's. And her two children are your grandchildren and she learned to love them from watching you. So all is not lost.

I never say never. Even in the most difficult of circumstances, I truly believe people can heal their relationships. The secret is to be completely open to hearing their side of the story and how we as moms affected their behavior. Believe me when I say, I have been there and only when I was willing to be introspective did anything change. I put my "feelings" on the back burner and although it was some times difficult to take, I owned my difficulties in the relationship and that's when the healing began.

As always I wish you my best in healing this relationship. I think if what you have been doing hasn't worked so far, then it is time to change course and find a new way in reaching out. Put your own feelings aside and strictly listen to her side of the story.

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[LilacTree]

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@VioletEyes wrote:

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@LilacTree wrote:

I saw this in a post this morning and can't remember where.  However, it struck a cord in me, as it is so true of one member of my family, and I find it so sad and tragic.  I do love her, but she won't accept it, and I don't think she has it in her to love me back.

There is one exception, she does love her two children, even though she is hard on them.  I have often found comfort in that.

 Gently, I think your definition of "love" may be completely different than your oldest daughter's. And her two children are your grandchildren and she learned to love them from watching you. So all is not lost.

I never say never. Even in the most difficult of circumstances, I truly believe people can heal their relationships. The secret is to be completely open to hearing their side of the story and how we as moms affected their behavior. Believe me when I say, I have been there and only when I was willing to be introspective did anything change. I put my "feelings" on the back burner and although it was some times difficult to take, I owned my difficulties in the relationship and that's when the healing began.

As always I wish you my best in healing this relationship. I think if what you have been doing hasn't worked so far, then it is time to change course and find a new way in reaching out. Put your own feelings aside and strictly listen to her side of the story.

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I have called and written to my oldest daughter several times, quite recently in fact.  I have put myself out there and I don't want to go into detail because of the nature of this BB.  (I have made that mistake before.)  But I put my heart out there, accepted where I feel I went wrong as a mom to her, and told her I love her unconditionally and always will because I can't help it, she is my first born child.

She has made it very plain that unless I break ties with the sister she hates, she can't reconcile with me.  Of course, that's the one thing I cannot do. The last thing she wrote was that she needs more time (it's been over five years since the long term incident ended) to "digest this."  I told her I will wait and that I will be here when she's ready.  That was about two months ago.  Thank you for your heartfelt advice.  I really mean that.   

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[LilacTree]

Hckynut(John),

Thank you again for understanding how it feels as a mom in a situation like this.  Your mom was lucky to have you there. 

I wish I could go into more detail, but I'm afraid I'll have to pay for it on this BB, as I have in the past.  Suffice it to say that these two sisters will never, ever reconcile.  Nothing will be enough of a catalyst for that to ever happen.  If I do more than I have tried to do (see my response to Violet Eyes), I will wind up losing both of them.  I honestly don't think I could survive that.

Perhaps you being the "man of the family" gave you an edge in getting your sisters to reconcile and your own reconciliation with the second of your two sisters.  I am happy for you that happened before your beloved mother passed away.

Thank you again for relating your story.  It seems many of us have had to face this in our lives.  It's always sad and tragic.

[YorkieonmyPillow]

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@LilacTree wrote:

Hckynut(John),

Thank you again for understanding how it feels as a mom in a situation like this.  Your mom was lucky to have you there. 

I wish I could go into more detail, but I'm afraid I'll have to pay for it on this BB, as I have in the past.  Suffice it to say that these two sisters will never, ever reconcile.  Nothing will be enough of a catalyst for that to ever happen.  If I do more than I have tried to do (see my response to Violet Eyes), I will wind up losing both of them.  I honestly don't think I could survive that.

Perhaps you being the "man of the family" gave you an edge in getting your sisters to reconcile and your own reconciliation with the second of your two sisters.  I am happy for you that happened before your beloved mother passed away.

Thank you again for relating your story.  It seems many of us have had to face this in our lives.  It's always sad and tragic.

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I would lose both of them before I chose one over the other.

Or I would tell them both to "work it out" between the two of them, and then I would see them both.

One wouldn't have complete access to me while the other couldn't.

[Justice4all]

Ford, 2 months is not a long time to digest, for a procrastinator and resentor.    Also, consider.  At some point.  They're young enough to duke it out and maybe, need more time to get wiser.............

[Justice4all]

Don't give up the ship!

[LilacTree]

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@Justice4all wrote:

Ford, 2 months is not a long time to digest, for a procrastinator and resentor.    Also, consider.  At some point.  They're young enough to duke it out and maybe, need more time to get wiser.............

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You misunderstood me.  The "event" that started all of this is five YEARS old.  It's been five years of dealing with this. 

The two months is just the recent correspondence between my older daughter and me, and it is what I said in my email that she said she needs time to "digest."

[Justice4all]

She said she needed time to digest 2 months ago?

[Justice4all]

I have 2 closest family members who hadn't spoken for 6 years, just begun to be cordial.  Actually be in the same room and words said with no malice. Not that they go out to contact each other, but are at least civil if in the same vicinity