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Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,323
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Sometimes people can't face their own mortality


@151949 wrote:

Because we are getting up in years and DH has already had a small stroke, and we don't have any children to look after things for us, I thought it would be a good idea for us to preplan our funerals. DH agreed. We made an appointment to do this today. My DH has become more and more stressed over this as the day gets closer and by today he was just driving me crazy about not wanting to go. So I gave him the number and said to call and cancel.He just can't seem to face his inevitable mortality. I also was asking him to see our attorney and make up POA and living wills as well as actual wills. I doubt I will ever get him to go do that.It stresses him to no end to think about this. So , should I die first or if we would both die together, our affairs will be a total mess. 

As soon as he made that call to cancel this appointment he changed from being like a too tightly wound spring to relaxed and happy instantly. I think his plan is to just live forever.


***Please don't hesitate to create a will, POA, and health directive.  It's one of the most important things to do in life.  If your husband won't take the initiative, YOU do it.  If you are letting the chips fall where they may because he canceled the appt, then you too are unable to face your own mortality.

 

You may not have children, but do you have siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins?  If your affairs are a "total mess" when you die, then you will be leaving them with a mess.  Do you really want to do that?   I know from personal experience how difficult that is.  Do you want their memories of you to be overshadowed with the "mess" you left them?  Leaving them with a mess to handle shows that you didn't care enough about them to have things in order.

 

If you have no living relatives, do you want everything to go to the state and federal govt?  Do have you favorite charities, or even dear friends you would rather provide for? 

 

Furthermore, if you don't have a health directive, then it will be next to impossible for anyone to know with certainty your end of life wishes.

 

You really need to get this done.  Don't pass the blame to your husband.  Get back to those appts and drag him kicking and screaming with you if need be.

 

Once it's done, the peace of mind you will have outweighs the stress.  It doesn't matter how much or how little assets you have.  

If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need.--Marcus Tullius Cicero
Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,878
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Sometimes people can't face their own mortality

HH I'm surprised you would let your husband cancel the appointment.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,149
Registered: ‎03-14-2010

Re: Sometimes people can't face their own mortality


@151949 wrote:

Because we are getting up in years and DH has already had a small stroke, and we don't have any children to look after things for us, I thought it would be a good idea for us to preplan our funerals. DH agreed. We made an appointment to do this today. My DH has become more and more stressed over this as the day gets closer and by today he was just driving me crazy about not wanting to go. So I gave him the number and said to call and cancel.He just can't seem to face his inevitable mortality. I also was asking him to see our attorney and make up POA and living wills as well as actual wills. I doubt I will ever get him to go do that.It stresses him to no end to think about this. So , should I die first or if we would both die together, our affairs will be a total mess. 

As soon as he made that call to cancel this appointment he changed from being like a too tightly wound spring to relaxed and happy instantly. I think his plan is to just live forever.


I can so relate to your hubby. Beling a lung cancer survivor, not only would I have been a tightly wound spring, but I would have been ricocheting off the walls too.

It's only DH and myself...no kids...I couldn't conceive. Anyway, DH knows that if anything happens to me, all my belongings are his and pull the plug if I am beyond help...brain dead, etc.

Some folks are at peace with mortality...others aren't. I'm one of them. 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,149
Registered: ‎03-14-2010

Re: Sometimes people can't face their own mortality


@hckynutjohn wrote:

 

 

Who wants to face their mortality? The sooner in life one accepts the "cycle of life", which includes dying, the easier it is as age sets in.

 

I personally don't understand your husband saying yes and then canceling. Ignoring inevitable events to me makes no sense as some things one can dismiss, dying is not 1 of them.

 

Other than him seeking a mental health professional? If he won't go, go alone and get it done. Who knows their day? I certainly don't, but I do not try to run away from reality.

 

Do what YOU need to do. He is a big boy now and let him be responsible, as he should, for himself. Time he faces reality and he needs professional help to do so? Let him make and cancel, if he wishes, his own appointments.

 

Some men, and I have met many, act like babies!


@151949 wrote:

Because we are getting up in years and DH has already had a small stroke, and we don't have any children to look after things for us, I thought it would be a good idea for us to preplan our funerals. DH agreed. We made an appointment to do this today. My DH has become more and more stressed over this as the day gets closer and by today he was just driving me crazy about not wanting to go. So I gave him the number and said to call and cancel.He just can't seem to face his inevitable mortality. I also was asking him to see our attorney and make up POA and living wills as well as actual wills. I doubt I will ever get him to go do that.It stresses him to no end to think about this. So , should I die first or if we would both die together, our affairs will be a total mess. 

As soon as he made that call to cancel this appointment he changed from being like a too tightly wound spring to relaxed and happy instantly. I think his plan is to just live forever.


 


I am a big baby too John...

We are all hot-wired differently and I am not ashamed of the way I feel. 

As death is the ultimate equalizer, some folks are more than willing to 'go' (suicides come to mind)...

Others are at peace with the terms...

And the last group go kicking and screaming. I'm in that group.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,144
Registered: ‎05-16-2015

Re: Sometimes people can't face their own mortality

 

 

Hi,

 

I'm really sorry for your troubles concerning this but I'd like to make a suggestion. At most big Office Supply stores  you can purchase a CD to put in your computer to help you do this legal paperwork at home, without the aid of attorney's or others. Suze Orman sells a fantastic one that QVC sold when she was on before. Perhaps they will again, or still have it. I just don't know. Try her website also. Or google what you need and see who offers it. I have done all of mine and loaned it to family and friends. I have done my living will, advanced directive, and POA from one CD. But there are many kits with all of these forms you can purchase  like at the stores I mentioned. Ask around to others because so many people are doing their own now. If you have a financial planner or good insurance agent, perhaps they can assist you as well.

 

At least if you can do these forms at home and file them, a big part of your worry is out of the way. 

 

HTH

 

Blessings to both of you.  Heart

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,270
Registered: ‎04-20-2012

Re: Sometimes people can't face their own mortality

[ Edited ]

There's a lot that can go wrong by prepaying for burial services... for a plot or even for cremation.  Sometimes the facility changes management and sometimes the facility changes owners.  No one keeps hard copies of documents anymore.  I do recommend that one requests a copy to prove their transaction and all the details including the method of payment and proof that they received it.  

 

There have been horror stories about people who prepaid for their burial only for the survivors to discover that a stranger had been buried in their plot of land.  

 

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 25,929
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Sometimes people can't face their own mortality


@kittywhipped wrote:

There's a lot that can go wrong by prepaying for burial services... for a plot or even for cremation.  Sometimes the facility changes management and sometimes the facility changes owners.  No one keeps hard copies of documents anymore.  I do recommend that one requests a copy to prove their transaction and all the details including the method of payment and proof that they received it.  

 

There have been horror stories about people who prepaid for their burial only for the survivors to discover that a stranger had been buried in their plot of land.  

 

 


 

 

As it turns out my DH's great grandparents bought a group of burial plots many years ago and we still own them. There are 2 sites left there. We plan to be creamated and both buried in one and DH's cousin will get the other, so burial sites are not the issue at all.More of an issue is that we moved to Florida when we retired and we will be buried in Pa. so there are logistics involved. I told DH if he doesn't help me get this all planned out, when he dies I am just going to put his ashes in a box and UPS him home. He said that would be fine.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,495
Registered: ‎05-03-2014

Re: Sometimes people can't face their own mortality

Hello, 151949. Smiley Happy

 

 

It's true, it's not a pleasent subject to discuess and definitely not what you'd call dinner conversation. Perhaps what scares your husband is the thought of not being together with you. Men can be very loving and caring, but may not know how to say it.

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