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Honored Contributor
Posts: 25,929
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Sometimes people can't face their own mortality

Because we are getting up in years and DH has already had a small stroke, and we don't have any children to look after things for us, I thought it would be a good idea for us to preplan our funerals. DH agreed. We made an appointment to do this today. My DH has become more and more stressed over this as the day gets closer and by today he was just driving me crazy about not wanting to go. So I gave him the number and said to call and cancel.He just can't seem to face his inevitable mortality. I also was asking him to see our attorney and make up POA and living wills as well as actual wills. I doubt I will ever get him to go do that.It stresses him to no end to think about this. So , should I die first or if we would both die together, our affairs will be a total mess. 

As soon as he made that call to cancel this appointment he changed from being like a too tightly wound spring to relaxed and happy instantly. I think his plan is to just live forever.

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,305
Registered: ‎06-15-2015

Re: Sometimes people can't face their own mortality

I could have written this thred. Hubby and I are also child free and never have made any kind of will or provisions for our death. 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 11,832
Registered: ‎06-17-2015

Re: Sometimes people can't face their own mortality

You can take care of these things on your own.  Be gentle with him and when the time comes to sign documents he will most likely be more amenable to doing so.  The stress of going to the attorney is understandable.

 

I'm glad he is doing ok after his stroke but give him a little space; sometimes a medical crisis like that  pushes people toward just enjoying each day instead of worrying about dying.  Sometimes a medical situation will have people thinking ahead like you are.

 

 

""Out beyond the ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing, there is a field. I will meet you there." -Rumi
Honored Contributor
Posts: 16,410
Registered: ‎10-04-2010

Re: Sometimes people can't face their own mortality


@151949 wrote:

Because we are getting up in years and DH has already had a small stroke, and we don't have any children to look after things for us, I thought it would be a good idea for us to preplan our funerals. DH agreed. We made an appointment to do this today. My DH has become more and more stressed over this as the day gets closer and by today he was just driving me crazy about not wanting to go. So I gave him the number and said to call and cancel.He just can't seem to face his inevitable mortality. I also was asking him to see our attorney and make up POA and living wills as well as actual wills. I doubt I will ever get him to go do that.It stresses him to no end to think about this. So , should I die first or if we would both die together, our affairs will be a total mess. 

As soon as he made that call to cancel this appointment he changed from being like a too tightly wound spring to relaxed and happy instantly. I think his plan is to just live forever.


I went through this years ago. So I understand this. We have our things in order now, several years later, with both sets of parents gone and we've learned a lot. My hubby, was afraid I think, that if he did it, it would happen 5 minutes later. It took years for him to accept this. After the loss of both sets of parents. He's fine with it all now. I wonder if having an attorney visit you and do this if it would help at all. It has to be witnessed, the POA for sure and notarized, so it could cost you more to do it that way, but if you can try it, that might work. Or, give it a few months, to a year. Do yours if you have to. Some better than none, for now.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,287
Registered: ‎01-24-2013

Re: Sometimes people can't face their own mortality

My husband and I have done all of that stuff. It makes him feel better knowing that the children and I will be protected should something happen to him.

If your husband won't go with you why don't you make his life easier if you get incapacitated or die first and take care of your affairs and wishes yourself ?
Honored Contributor
Posts: 11,126
Registered: ‎06-20-2010

Re: Sometimes people can't face their own mortality

Aww, poor guy.

 

Everybody should have wills and othe paperwork in order.  It's important.

Valued Contributor
Posts: 536
Registered: ‎05-05-2015

Re: Sometimes people can't face their own mortality

It's true that some are just better at facing the realities of this type of planning than others.  It's also possible that his recent medical issues may have him wanting to enjoy the moment as much as possible.

 

I agree with the previous advice about seeing how much of this can you handle on your own, and then just bring to him for signature.  I realize that it may not be ideal for you, and that possibly you may not want to do this alone.  Sometimes the best gifts we can give our loved ones are more difficult than others to achieve!

Honored Contributor
Posts: 25,929
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Sometimes people can't face their own mortality

Quality gal I think you are right. He thinks if you sign these papers it will happen in the next 5 min.

My parents were in a horrible car crash that killed my Mom at the scene and my Dad was made a quadraplegic. They did not have anything such as POA or living wills so I was on my own but they did have their funerals preplanned and a life ins policy on each of them with the funeral director as the beneficiary to pay the funeral costs. That was such a blessing to us - for us to not have to stress with dealing with the arrangements, plus knowing everything would be exactly as they wanted it to be, and it was all paid for.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,680
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Sometimes people can't face their own mortality

[ Edited ]

My mom was like this. Literally wouldn't discuss any sort of arrangements, etc. Finally, she said where she wanted to be buried. And then literally when she was in hospice, she told us she was ok with cremation and didn't want a formal funeral. 

 

I  gently asked her if she'd be ok with a funeral home visitation and she said it was up to us. And then, three days before she died, she asked us not to bury her ashes until my dad passed away. 

 

She and my dad always had their wills, etc. in order but she was really resistant in talking about final arrangements. My dad is still alive so he has the urn with her ashes. 

 

I'm totally the opposite. I want everything in order and decided ahead of time. Makes it so much easier on the people who will have to do everything when you're gone. 

 

And I absolutely can't imagine not having a will. 


Why is it, when I have a 50/50 guess at something, I'm always 100% wrong?
Valued Contributor
Posts: 895
Registered: ‎06-20-2015

Re: Sometimes people can't face their own mortality

Both my husband and I have the living will and other things in place after seeing an attorney.  However I am having a hard time getting my DH to help pick out a cemetery plot.  He just doesn't want to look at the local favorites and instead wants to be buried in San Diego, CA.  We have never visited SD but it's just been a lifelong dream of his to live there so we are on hold about picking out plots for now.