Community Chat

[GCR18]

You have to do what you think is best for your loved one.

[Marienkaefer2]

On 1/9/2015 occasional rain said:

From the OP's posts it seems she's not, and never has been, fond of her mother. Of course her mother is aware that she's not a welcome addition to the family which explains her behavior. So, under the circumstances she's better off in assisted living than a home where she is unwanted.

Yeah, and so what if she's never been fond of her mother? ...(your assumption, not mine). Many mother/daughter relationships are toxic. Does that make her a criminal for finding a good place for the mother to live? She's not kicking her out in the street. I disagree with your assumption about the daughter being unkind and selfish. She remodeled a part of her home and created an.apt for her mother. I think.the daughter has gone above and beyond to care for her mother.

[AuntG]

You've done all you could do. Try not to feel guilty.

[goodstuff]

On 1/10/2015 Shorty2U said:

One of my biggest regrets was my dad going to a rehab/slash home!. I worried worried worried that my dad would fall living alone. I wanted him in assisted care so he would be SAFE!. My sibling (who was in charge) wouldn't go for it.

My dad lived alone. We checked on him every other day. He ended up doing what I knew would happen. He fell, ended up in rehab, was treated like dirt, never had rehab at this so called "home".

I tried everything under the sun to get him OUT when I noticed how he was acting (heavily drugged). NO ONE would help me because I wasn't in charge. My sibling finally tried to get him out. By then he couldn't walk anymore (within MONTHS).

They would not release him to another place! AND even if they would have agreed, I could NOT take him in because I cant lift over a gallon jug of tea myself. SO I could not take care of him. I cried and cried wishing I could!

NO ONE WOULD HELP US move him to a better place, UNTIL he ended up in the hospital very ill.

Then he was moved to a nice place. BUT it was too late. He was dead in 8 months and that first place? Cleaned out his life savings in 8 months.

Keep in mind he went there for rehab was dead in 8 months due to this place!

I spent a year in counseling, still suffer from insomnia, suffer from feeling horrible that I could NOT lift my dad and take care of him even though everyone tells me I did ALL I could! AND I cry a lot AND I miss my dad every day of my life!

I DONT want to sound mean. I KNOW how hard it is to take care of someone. I FEEL for you! But PLEASE, give your mom a break, shes 90. She probably doesn't mean to do what shes doing.

Cherish her. and PRAY the place shes at treats her like royalty.

Best to your Mom. God Bless her.

Shorty, I remember your posts at the time of your father's illness, and I'm sorry for your loss. I don't know the pros and cons of the situation your father was in, but I hope time (or more counseling, or prayer, or whatever is necessary) will bring you to a place of peace. As I recall, your father was very elderly, very irrational, very erratic, and very ill. Do you imagine he would have lived a lot longer if you had kept him in your home? Or that he would have been happier? Unlikely, I think. Your father was approaching the end of life, was miserable and suffering, and had become more than you and your family could manage.

These situations are hard, and there is no "guidebook" that gives us all the answers. You did the best you could, and there is no need to "punish yourself" with guilt now. Prayers for peace and healing to you and your family.

[Madisson]

Thank you to those of you who responded. Sorry I couldn't get back here sooner, but most of you know that being a caregiver is very demanding on your physical and mental health, as well as your time.

To those of you who inquired about conservatorship, my husband is legally the person who has power of attorney for health care and is her durable power of attorney for finance, and everything else. She has been found legally unable to make her own decisions due to dementia. Oddly, she did not fight giving up power of attorney. My husband calls the shots and discussed this situation with my mother, her personal physician, and a geriatric psychiatrist. Both doctors agreed that assisted living is in her best interest.

My mother has two good friends who are in the assisted living facility we chose. It is a beautiful facility. She obviously has been there and thought it was extremely nice.

As far as caring for parents go...I was my father's caregiver for two years until he died, and I was also my husband's mother's caregiver for 1 l/2 years until she died. Both my father and mother-in-law were very nurturing, loving people who appreciated everything we did for them. I tried for 4 l/2 years with my mother, but it was an extremely arduous situation. My one sister had my mother for three years before that. My other sister...forget it! It would never work.

There are many forms of love. Of course I love my mother. She gave birth to me. I just don't like her behavior. I do feel relief at finally having made the decision to place her in assisted living. Yes, there are toxic parents. I don't know how we children would have turned out without my father's gentle, loving ways. My mother has always been very difficult (verbally and emotionally abusive). I no longer have any guilt at putting her in assisted living. We tried our best. I think she will love assisted living. Also, because she is so demanding and loves control, I think she will evolve into one of the leaders there.

Haddon9, I am so sorry to hear of your mother's accident. What an ordeal! I pray that she heals and can eventually go without the neck brace.

To the others who supported my decision, I cannot thank you enough. It is natural to have some guilt when making a big decision like this, and your support is much appreciated.

[banjo]

My Aunt (95) fought tooth and nail not to go to an assisted living home. She had diabetes, was not taking her meds, refused to go to her Dr., and my cousin finally convinced her that she could no longer live alone. She refused to live with him and his wife. Now that she is in an assisted living home, she loves it. She now says she wishes she would have gone sooner. Until you have taken care of someone who is ill or very elderly, you have no idea what those caregivers go through. You never know when you may be in the same position.

[millieshops]

On 1/9/2015 GoodStuff said:

On 1/9/2015 Pippy said:

On 1/9/2015 D Oro said: Taking care of an elderly parent is difficult when they are cooperative. When they can't or won't work with you, it is extremely exhausting. Only you know within yourself if you've made the right choice for your family. I know that it could not have been an easy decision. I wish you and your mother and the rest of your family well.

So is taking care of a child for 18 years but evidently her mother did it.

In the course of raising and caring for children, most parents receive help from schools, churches, medical professionals, camps, and in some difficult cases counselors, boarding schools, or residential therapeutic facilities. Few parents proclaim that they will raise their children totally on their own, in their own home, with no help from any outsiders. So it is with elderly parents who sometimes develop severe behavioral issues, cognitive issues, medical issues, safety issues, and other problems that can benefit from help and therapy outside the family. Few families live all together all the time with no assistance. Care for your parents with love and loyalty, but when you need help, find it and be thankful for it.

Goodstuff - what a great post. So thoughtful and caring and filled with wisdom.

[brii]

Madisson, it sounds like you made a very informed and thoughtful decision.

[Madisson]

Shorty2U, I pray that you can find peace over your father's care in the rehab facility. My father also was in a rehab facility for a couple months after a hip replacement. He fell twice while he was there and fractured two ribs. Rehab facilities are often shorthanded. Many of the patients are on pain medication and try to get up on their own...and they fall flat as they are unsteady from both the medication and their injury. It is so sad.

I definitely think that I will be able to improve my relationship with my mother after she is in the assisted living facility. I realize that some of her behavior is frustration because she is 90 years old and cannot do everything that she wants to do anymore. She will actually have more freedom in the assisted living facility. Sometimes it is easier to get along with friends and other acquaintances than it is with relatives. Anyway, she is close by, and we will be able to see her daily and take her out whenever she wants. Thank you for your prayers.

[Madisson]

Goodstuff, what a thoughtful post! You are so correct about raising children and dealing with the elderly. As the saying goes..."It takes a village."