Re: Signed Mom Up for Assisted Living at Last!!!

occasionalrain · ‎03-10-2010

On 1/9/2015 KathyPet said: Well the OP's other sister who was taking care of her wouldn't keep her any more which is why she ended up with the OP. The mother certainly doesn't sound like any one that someone would want with them on a long term basis.

That proves nothing, both may be unkind and selfish. We're hearing only one side to the situation.

Bestdressed · ‎04-18-2010

On 1/9/2015 occasional rain said:
From the OP's posts it seems she's not, and never has been, fond of her mother. Of course her mother is aware that she's not a welcome addition to the family which explains her behavior. So, under the circumstances she's better off in assisted living than a home where she is unwanted.

Wow... You must know more then most of us. I fully support your decision Madisson. It isn't easy taking care of our aging parents. There is more then one path in deciding which is best for our parents well being and care. Some comments cut like a knife on this board.

ivey · ‎03-10-2010

I have never known anyone personally or read here someone who would say these decisions about elderly parents were easy, a walk in the park, just wonderful, etc.

I've been there, and you do the best that you can absolutely do; then you second guess yourself; you get input from others and there's always someone who would do it better, . . .

Those with all the answers need to open assisted living homes, nursing homes, independent living homes. Since people are living much longer, I know of two situations where people who are close to 80 are in doing for their parents who are close to 100!

Shorty2U · ‎03-09-2010

One of my biggest regrets was my dad going to a rehab/slash home!. I worried worried worried that my dad would fall living alone. I wanted him in assisted care so he would be SAFE!. My sibling (who was in charge) wouldn't go for it.

My dad lived alone. We checked on him every other day. He ended up doing what I knew would happen. He fell, ended up in rehab, was treated like dirt, never had rehab at this so called "home".

I tried everything under the sun to get him OUT when I noticed how he was acting (heavily drugged). NO ONE would help me because I wasn't in charge. My sibling finally tried to get him out. By then he couldn't walk anymore (within MONTHS).

They would not release him to another place! AND even if they would have agreed, I could NOT take him in because I cant lift over a gallon jug of tea myself. SO I could not take care of him. I cried and cried wishing I could!

NO ONE WOULD HELP US move him to a better place, UNTIL he ended up in the hospital very ill.

Then he was moved to a nice place. BUT it was too late. He was dead in 8 months and that first place? Cleaned out his life savings in 8 months.

Keep in mind he went there for rehab was dead in 8 months due to this place!

I spent a year in counseling, still suffer from insomnia, suffer from feeling horrible that I could NOT lift my dad and take care of him even though everyone tells me I did ALL I could! AND I cry a lot AND I miss my dad every day of my life!

I DONT want to sound mean. I KNOW how hard it is to take care of someone. I FEEL for you! But PLEASE, give your mom a break, shes 90. She probably doesn't mean to do what shes doing.

Cherish her. and PRAY the place shes at treats her like royalty.

Best to your Mom. God Bless her.

And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make~ The Beatles

KathyPet · ‎03-09-2010

If I recall from the Original thread Mom is extremely demanding. wants to be waited on hand and food, is insulting and abrasive. The OP's efforts to get her Mom involved in outside activities like playing cards or going to a senior center for a afternoon have met with flat refusals. The OP suggested having a care giver come in a couple of times a week so that the OP could get some time off and go out to see friends or shop was also turned down flat. Mom wants the OP right there attending to her every need 24/7 so she can whine and complain to her about what a lousy daughter she is. you know just because people are old doesn't always mean they turn into sweet old ladies. Sometimes they turn into nasty complaining, demanding old ladies who insist on being catered to 24/7. They laid down some rules about Mom's behavior when she was,in their home and she will not abide by them. As far as her threat to,disinherit the OP I would,have told her that as soon as she was,in her new living arrangements you would call.and make a appt. For the attorney to come over and she can change her will however she,likes.

KathyPet · ‎03-09-2010

Shorty2u When your father fell and had to go into the rehab facility didn't you do a complete and thorough check on the place, get recommendations from his doctor and other health care providers on which rehab center was the best?? When he wasn't receiving rehab did you meet with the medical director of the facility to discuss their failure to provide proper rehab? Did you Involve your father's regular doctor in these discussions and express your concerns to him. ?You said that when you tried to move him to another facility they refused to allow the transfer. I have never heard of such a thing. They can't hold him prisoner if he or his family want to move him elsewhere.

reiki604 · ‎03-09-2010

Madisson........... You and only you can and should make the decision of what is best for your mom and for you. You are living your own unique situation that nobody else is experiencing the same way. There are people on these boards that get some perverse satisfaction at being self righteous and holier than thou. Take there opinions for what they're worth. There are others on this board who are overly concerned with how much these facilities cost and the impact on what they inherit. There are no words for those. Making the decision you have is never easy and you should have peace in realizing you have done the best you can do in your unique situation.

'I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man'.......Unknown

Financialgrl · ‎03-13-2010

It angers me every time people put others down others for choosing assisted living or nursing homes and I am someone who had dad live here for 8 years and when I was unable to lift him to get around he went on to live with my brother. Dad broke a hip, was to be admitted into a nursing home for PT rehab and it was his own doctor that told us to look for a place that we'd consider dad's permanent home - he died two days before entrance into the facility.

We were able to keep dad home ONLY because all four of his children actively participated in his care. But most times one does it all and the other children do nothing but complain, offering millions of excuses why they can't help. I did not mind taking care of dad but I would have had no guilt if we would have chosen to keep him at the facility either. I know that the four of his kids would have visited often - and I was dad's health advocate and questioned everything when he was in the hospital, our family would not have daddy dumped our father into a place and forgotten about him. We didn't when he was with my brother and me and wouldn't have at a facility either.