Re: Shoulda,Coulda,Woulda: dealing with grief/guil... - Page 5

akaburtonfan · ‎12-08-2013

@Beautiful life-- I completely understand how you're feeling. I spent the last two years feeling pretty much the same way.

Please don't look back and think if only. You did your best at the time. Spending your time thinking that maybe you should have/could have done something different won't change anything.

After my dad passed, my mom was very anxious and became very dependent on me. Her anxiety caused her to make demands on me that she normally wouldn't have. I had times that I would be angry or resentful because I felt that I was doing my best to accommodate her needs.

She passed suddenly and I have spent plenty of time wondering what I did or didn't do that could have prevented her death. Or what could/should I have done to make her life better. Now that some time has passed, I realize that there wasn't anything I could have done to change things.

If you are having a hard time dealing with your grief, please seek counseling. Keep telling yourself you did your best and that's really all that matters.

Yardlie · ‎03-10-2010

@Beautiful life ... I totally get what you are saying. I am the caregiver for my 92 y.o. mother with mild dementia. She has always been narcissistic, controlling, obsessive-compulsive, and negative. Now she is also paranoid and talks constantly.

Being a caregiver is an extremely difficult job. We do our best, but we are only human. The cutting comments and self-centeredness really get to me some days. People say, "Oh...just let it roll off." Yeah, well that is easier said than done. I snap at my mother at times also and feel like I should spend more time with her and her interests. She lives with us and can't get around easily. The problem is that she has no interests other than reading and watching the news (8 hours a day). DH keeps telling me that I am doing fine with her considering the way she treats me. I know that I will feel guilt after she is gone also.

I journal some of my feelings and my mother's comments so that after she is gone, I can look back and hopefully feel not too guilty considering what I have had to take from her. You did your best and did way more than many people would have done. You are probably physically and emotionally exhausted from all the time you took care of your mother. You no doubt feel some relief and that causes you a little guilt. Feeling relief about certain aspects of your loss in no way diminishes or minimizes your love for your mother.

A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal. ~~ Steve Maraboli

tobes · ‎08-02-2010

Agree with Noel. Get grief counseling from your hospital or from a private therapist who can deal with grief. The result will be immeasureable. You owe this to yourself as you are completely deserving to explore your grief which will, in turn, be beneficial for your whole family. Perhaps they can take part in a few of the sessions that may be enlightening to them. Two of my friends lost their husbands to lung cancer. Both men continued to smoke even after their wives implored them to stop over and over. Both women were angry and hurt to have lost their loved ones both at a young age. Alll one needed was a few consultations and she got her equilibrium back. I can vouch for this since I had an experience as a young wife that left me in despair that I was responsible for failure. Two sessions later, I got what I needed that I was worthwhile. That was all I needed. I implore you now to get an outside opinion.

Beautiful life · ‎03-11-2010

I would complain about how much my mom called me. My mom called 6 or more times a day always usually paronoid about something. . I never complained again after she didn't call me for over a week she was recovering in the nursing home. I was so happy that she was calling again made me realize how much I miss her calls. I tried to divide my time with my kids, husband and my mom and I know that hurt my moms feelings that she wasn't always included.

When my daughter wanted to spend time just with me and I had to make excuses so I wouldn't hurt my moms feelings the days I didn't see my mom. My daughter didn't like my mom living with us due to her constant complaining, repeating and negativity. I'm glad my mom lived with us actually she was softer then before, more needy but easier to talk to.

My mom was a drama queen, no one was in more pain then her, when she was mad at you she would make excuses that she was sick so don't come over. Rarely did she think she was wrong and rarely apologized.

What does grief counceling do? I'm having a bad day today feeling so depressed. I feel like my daughter will not be as devoted to me as I was to my mom. We don't have the closeness my mom and I had.

I know life goes goes on but it's hard I feel stuck and in a cloud.

My daughter felt hurt that she didnt attend her high school graduation a few years ago but my mom said she didn't want to go because she goes to bed at that time. My son got hurt when he wanted to see her after school but she said she's tired and wanted to go home and rest. My mom didn't like a lot of company she didn't like anyone messing up her house or touching anything. Not that she was a neat freak her house was a hoarders house. Maybe it was a mental issue I'm not sure. I preferred picking her up and bringing her to my house but she only wanted to stay a short time.

Im trying to enjoy the last week off with my kids before school. It's been a rough summer.

CalminHeart · ‎03-09-2010

I'm sorry you're going through this. Find a grief counselor asap.

My mom just returned home from Hospice to die. Mom and Dad have been married 64.5 years. They can't stand to be apart and Mom insisted on going home to be with Dad. There are 7 of us kids and we're all helping and have time with them. Hospice nurse and aid visit every day.

I'm angry, depressed, sad, you name it. I just cannot imagine life without Mom. But it's so hard. I'm retired and can spend more time with them and it's a blessing. I'm very lucky to have had my parents with us so long.

Plaid Pants2 · ‎03-14-2015

Go talk to a therapist, psychiatrist, psychologist, mental health professional.

They can give you much more advice and coping skills, and get you over this, than anybody here can.

Plaid Pants2 · ‎03-14-2015

@Beautiful life wrote:
I would complain about how much my mom called me. My mom called 6 or more times a day always usually paronoid about something. . I never complained again after she didn't call me for over a week she was recovering in the nursing home. I was so happy that she was calling again made me realize how much I miss her calls. I tried to divide my time with my kids, husband and my mom and I know that hurt my moms feelings that she wasn't always included.

When my daughter wanted to spend time just with me and I had to make excuses so I wouldn't hurt my moms feelings the days I didn't see my mom. My daughter didn't like my mom living with us due to her constant complaining, repeating and negativity. I'm glad my mom lived with us actually she was softer then before, more needy but easier to talk to.

My mom was a drama queen, no one was in more pain then her, when she was mad at you she would make excuses that she was sick so don't come over. Rarely did she think she was wrong and rarely apologized.

What does grief counceling do? I'm having a bad day today feeling so depressed. I feel like my daughter will not be as devoted to me as I was to my mom. We don't have the closeness my mom and I had.

I know life goes goes on but it's hard I feel stuck and in a cloud.

My daughter felt hurt that she didnt attend her high school graduation a few years ago but my mom said she didn't want to go because she goes to bed at that time. My son got hurt when he wanted to see her after school but she said she's tired and wanted to go home and rest. My mom didn't like a lot of company she didn't like anyone messing up her house or touching anything. Not that she was a neat freak her house was a hoarders house. Maybe it was a mental issue I'm not sure. I preferred picking her up and bringing her to my house but she only wanted to stay a short time.

Im trying to enjoy the last week off with my kids before school. It's been a rough summer.

@Beautiful life

That font is awfully hard to read.

violann · ‎03-10-2010

Fire stripes, you and I have walked VERY similar paths.

Grief and guilt are a part of the process of loss, and in time, what you are feeling right now will make sense to you.

If I had known this when first my dad died very suddenly and my mom died after a 5 1/2 illness, I would have searched high and low until I found a grief recovery GROUP. Although there is NOTHING to make the loss easier, the knowledge that someone can relate to your suffering through their own loss can be very self affirming.

As you did many hard things to care for your dear mom, you must now do HARD THINGS for yourself. You may find the idea of going out unpleasant, but being in the company of others will force you back to life, and that's what you need, even if only a little bit.

Pray. Talk to your mom, in the car when you're by yourself if necessary. Write her a letter or keep a journal about her. She wants you to feel better!

Lucky Charm · ‎03-09-2010

@Beautiful life wrote:

What does grief counceling do? I'm having a bad day today feeling so depressed. I feel like my daughter will not be as devoted to me as I was to my mom. We don't have the closeness my mom and I had.

_________________________________________

Grief counceling should help you with the feelings of loss and sadness and regrets.

Although, there seemed to have been lots of other issues that need to be addressed that you had dealt with.

Your mother's constant controlling, narcissism, and hoarding add more to the problem that you're trying to work out (by yourself).

It's so sad that she was like that and you're the one feeling regret. She unknowingly was destroying you and your family and family life.

I do believe there is hope you will pick up and be able to move on. Time alone will help heal your angst and sorrow.

But you have a life now and your family has been there all along. I just don't think you all were able to enjoy it--day by day--day to day--because of your mother.

You need to start enjoying life and your family. You can't wonder now about how devoted your daughter will be. The mother/daughter relationship she had with you, was ruled by your mother. You don't want to do that. You don't want to repeat history or it will be a disaster.

Tell your loved ones that you need help. You want to get help so you can feel whole (again?). You want to do it for YOU and you want to do it for them. It won't happen overnight, but it can happen.

It's a start to a brand new day, a brand new life.

RedTop · ‎09-01-2010

I honestly feel Grief Share saved one of my friends after her adult son passed suddenly. My friend went into a downward spiral and needed a serious intervention. She was literally wallowing in her grief, with no interest in living another day.

I have no idea what took place in the weekly support group meetings, but was told that even tho my friend came out with red eyes and tears on her cheeks, she walked out of there every week with her head up and smiling. My friend mostly listened at first, but shared as she felt comfortable, and the support from others who were coping with different levels of grief was just what she needed to think about living the rest of her life.

Many years later, my friend still goes to Grief Share counseling twice a year. The first session is held during the time of year when her son passed; second session is right before Thanksgiving and Christmas---all very hard days for her to get thru.

I have never seen anyone grieve as hard as this friend, and I was quite worried she would literally grieve herself to death. The Grief Share support saved her, and helped her get back on her feet, which seemed impossible to me at one point.