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Honored Contributor
Posts: 18,752
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Should he Stay or Should he go ?


@Goodie2shoes wrote:

@Plaid Pants 2 wrote:

if the two of you are already spending the night at each other's place, then you are already "shacking up".

 

Just understand, that once you tell him "good-bye", you may later regret having made that decision, and realize that doing the "right thing" wasn't so important in the first place.

 

 

You may never find anyone that even comes close to how good his fellow is.

 

 

Why rock the boat?

 

This is funny, I thought "shacking up" meant living together which we are not. I certainly would miss him if I let him go. I don't know what I'm going to do. This is so hard for me ! 


 

Maybe she meant "hooking up" Smiley Wink

Honored Contributor
Posts: 20,019
Registered: ‎08-08-2010

Re: Should he Stay or Should he go ?


@Zhills wrote:

@Goodie2shoes wrote:

Yorkieonmypillow wrote :

I don't think anyone here can give you a proper answer until you explain WHY you want to be married.

 

I would like to know where you are coming from.

 
 
Because I think it's the right thing to do. My children are married, they really like my boyfriend and he likes them. (they actually like him better than their own father)  They know he spends the night with me and I sometimes stay at his place. I enjoy my free nights when he is not here and we just talk on the phone but I just think it's the right thing to do. We both attend church ( not the same one) he says he had been looking for me for 2 years and prayed so shouldn't he want to do the right thing ?

 

Who says that marriage is the right thing to do?

Seems to me that your heart has already said it is the right thing just like it is.  

 

A marriage license only guarantees you his SS if he dies before you.  Doesn't guarantee ANYTHING else!

 

I am married, legally.  I'd trade it for your situation in a heartbeat. 


 

It does guarantee that she will be tied to him financially. Should he get into financial trouble or have huge medical bills, she will be responsible (at least in most circumstances). 

 

I agree that if they are spiritual/religious and have a value system that only approves of a sexual relationship inside of marriage, she has an issue with him not marrying and being true to her faith/values. To the point that it might leave her with two options, abstention in the current relationship or marriage (and of course, moving on).

 

And to those who say they are having relations outside of marriage already, what is the problem?.....well, it seems to be an issue for her. Just because we sometimes stray or vary from our religious beliefs doesn't mean we don't know or feel we should be doing different (for our own beliefs, not necessarily for what everyone else sees as 'right'). She has an idea of what she thinks is the 'right' thing to do, and it seems to be led by a moral compass that maybe she shouldn't be ignoring. 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,645
Registered: ‎03-28-2015

Re: Should he Stay or Should he go ?

I would say enjoy each other for now and maybe in a year sit down and see where the relationship is........

 

You don't sound like you are ready to make a decision yet.......

Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,139
Registered: ‎04-16-2010

Re: Should he Stay or Should he go ?

Excellent advice all around. What would I do? 

 

* Have a true sit down with him. Discuss this in great detail and ask the important question of "why".

 

*"His wife ran up bills".   Ok. The thing is, you are NOT his wife. YOU are a different person and if after a year he doesn't realize it, that's on HIM. Perhaps he lumps all women together as being spendthrifts. Again, that is on HIM. Think about it.

 

*You should never work to change what someone else truly wants. If he truly never wants to marry, accept and decide if you're better off with him or without him. Reverse it: how would you feel he if tried to change YOUR mind about something you feel strongly about? Not to nice, eh?

 

*Ask yourself why marriage is so important to you; does he share these same sentiments beyond his wife spending all his money? (religious, concern about long term care decisions as a couple down the road, etc).

 

*Not getting married MAY be more beneficial to you both. Research it and see what you discover. Again, if this is a "traditional" or religious view you have regarding having to be married, the benefits to not getting married may not hold any weight for you: you want what you want for specific reasons and you're not going to change your view. Perfectly acceptable but not everyone will see it that way.

 

 

For me, I can understand the want to be married simply because it's really hard to get divorced in my state so if the guy is going to be a schmuck, being married gives you more power (in some ways) to protect yourself. On the other hand, the benefits of NOT getting married is also pretty darn good. I wouldn't remarry, personally. Not worth it.

 

In the end, if you don't discuss this, it's going to be the big problem in the room. After you discuss it, you may find you don't want to be with him anymore anyway. The truth will set you free, in either case. Good luck : )

Honored Contributor
Posts: 18,752
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Should he Stay or Should he go ?

The wife of my father's first cousin outlived her DH.  After a time, she went on to date and have a couple of other boyfriends she outlived.  She enjoyed life so much at that age.

 

I don't see the need to marry unless it's for religious reasons, but that's just me.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,181
Registered: ‎04-30-2012

Re: Should he Stay or Should he go ?

To all of you ladies who said if I kick him to the curb send him you rway, you made me laugh among my tears so thanks for that.  The other day I showed him a ring I bought from HSN with my birthstone on it and had it on my left ring finger. He mentioned it was nice and before I knew it I said " an engagement ring would look even better" he smile and said "is that right " we just laughed and moved on to something else. He has already made reservations to take me out to a swanky restaurant for my birthday in August. Let's see what happens then. I was in a 40 plus years relationship with the father of my 2 children and we could never get it together and say " I do". I kept thinking he would change, boy was I wrong. Now I find someone who is totally opposite and a real man so I want it all. But is it to late ? 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,321
Registered: ‎03-16-2010

Re: Should he Stay or Should he go ?

Let's face it.  If you and he are both retired, you are both no so young.  Your relationship sounds like one a lot of people only dream about.  What does that piece of paper really mean? 

 

Have the marriage talk if you need to, but please think twice about showing him the door if he stands his ground. 

 

You want to move on?  To what?  Are you sure there is going to be someone to move on to?  It sounds like what you have is wonderful and maybe you should just appreciate it.  No one is promising you tomorrow, so please realize you may have a lot of time alone.

 

You may look back with regret that you didn't just enjoy the moment.  Who knows, maybe as time goes on he may change, or not.  But what does it really matter?

 

PLEASE don't rush into ending this.  Ask yourself why you need a piece of paper and ask him why he doesn't want one.  But please don't give him an ultimatum.  People -- men and women -- do not like to be backed into a corner.

 

Also, please let us know how t works out.  Good luck!

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,120
Registered: ‎04-17-2015

Re: Should he Stay or Should he go ?


@Goodie2shoes wrote:

@Trudey wrote:

What will marriage give you that you don't already have?  He sounds like a keeper to me. Marriage is only a piece of paper.

 
 
Good question, I have my own home, can come and go as I please, can spend time with my grandsons (21 months and 17 years old) I can watch what I want on TVWoman Very Happy  I guess It's the commitment.  My dear mother even asked me why I would want to get married !!  Maybe I'm asking to much ?   

Oh, my. If you think a piece of paper makes for an iron clad commitment, you are sorely mistaken.... and a bit naive, to put it mildly. Commitment is in the heart and brain.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,454
Registered: ‎01-13-2013

Re: Should he Stay or Should he go ?

Well....the only think I can conclude from her silence is that she already knows he will "dump" her if she ceases intimacy.

 

I don't understand why people post things like this and then refuse to answer legitimate questions that will enable people to answer her question.

 

I'm out...............I'm starting to doubt this is even a real situation.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,124
Registered: ‎07-05-2012

Re: Should he Stay or Should he go ?


@YorkieonmyPillow wrote:

Well....the only think I can conclude from her silence is that she already knows he will "dump" her if she ceases intimacy.

 

I don't understand why people post things like this and then refuse to answer legitimate questions that will enable people to answer her question.

 

I'm out...............I'm starting to doubt this is even a real situation.


@YorkieonmyPillow if you read her most recent reply you'll see that it's clearly not the intimacy-without-marriage that's the sticking point for her. So she'd never suggest that, making your assumption moot.