Re: Should he Stay or Should he go ?

acat · ‎03-10-2010

Sounds like you are in a great relationship at this time in your life.

Why would you want to give that up?

Pearlee · ‎06-11-2011

@NYC Susan wrote:
@Noel7 wrote:
@Goodie2shoes wrote:
Noel7 wrote :
I think the one thing so many posters don't understand is why you feel guilty being with him in an unmarried state when you did it with someone else for 40 years.

Why?

Great question ! maybe because I did waste 40 some years with a man I thought would change and do the right thing. We had 2 children, didn't live together was in a rocky off and on relationship and my focus was on raising my children, working to keep a roof over their heads, pay my bills etc. I even bought 2 houses by myself, not with a dime of his money so I was very independent. Suddenly one day after my children were grown and I was left by myself, I realized I had wasted so many years off and on with someone who didn't deserve me and I finally kicked him to the curb for good. It's not that I feel guilty with the person I am with now, sorry if I made it seem that way, I just feel that since I finally found Mr. Right I think there should be a full commitment. I am very happy with him. We shall see

@Goodie2shoes

The first guy may not have been perfect, but he stayed with you for 40 years and you stayed with him.

You're going to lose this guy if you push him. Your choice.
I agree. He's been a devoted partner, and has also been honest about not wanting to get married.

I'm also a bit bothered by the constant reference to "doing the right thing", in other words what the OP considers to be the right thing. It implies, of course, that not getting married is the wrong thing, and that's pretty judgmental. For him getting married might be the wrong thing, and he's entitled to feel just as strongly about his position as she feels about hers.

That's pretty much exactly what I posted above.

Sooner · ‎03-10-2010

@Trudey wrote:
What will marriage give you that you don't already have? He sounds like a keeper to me. Marriage is only a piece of paper.

But marriage is a commitment. Not marrying is NOT making a commitment. That is what it either gives you or doesn't. It is not a guarantee, but it is or is not a commitment.

Plaid Pants2 · ‎03-14-2015

@NYC Susan wrote:
@Noel7 wrote:
@Goodie2shoes wrote:
Noel7 wrote :
I think the one thing so many posters don't understand is why you feel guilty being with him in an unmarried state when you did it with someone else for 40 years.

Why?

Great question ! maybe because I did waste 40 some years with a man I thought would change and do the right thing. We had 2 children, didn't live together was in a rocky off and on relationship and my focus was on raising my children, working to keep a roof over their heads, pay my bills etc. I even bought 2 houses by myself, not with a dime of his money so I was very independent. Suddenly one day after my children were grown and I was left by myself, I realized I had wasted so many years off and on with someone who didn't deserve me and I finally kicked him to the curb for good. It's not that I feel guilty with the person I am with now, sorry if I made it seem that way, I just feel that since I finally found Mr. Right I think there should be a full commitment. I am very happy with him. We shall see

@Goodie2shoes

The first guy may not have been perfect, but he stayed with you for 40 years and you stayed with him.

You're going to lose this guy if you push him. Your choice.
I agree. He's been a devoted partner, and has also been honest about not wanting to get married.

I'm also a bit bothered by the constant reference to "doing the right thing", in other words what the OP considers to be the right thing. It implies, of course, that not getting married is the wrong thing, and that's pretty judgmental. For him getting married might be the wrong thing, and he's entitled to feel just as strongly about his position as she feels about hers.

@NYC Susan

There is absolutely nothing wrong with two unmarried people living together.

It's so common today that nobody bats an eye.

I think that it is good to live together before any talk of marriage, to see just how compatible the two people are.

It's one thing to have sleep overs, but it is entirely different to actually live with someone.

You get to learn about all of their habits and idiosyncrasies, and they yours.

Then the two can have a much better idea if marriage is right for them.

It's nothing to be "embarrassed" or "ashamed" of.

Many a G-d-fearin people "live in sin" now-a-days, it's so common.

Plaid Pants2 · ‎03-14-2015

@Sooner wrote:
@Trudey wrote:
What will marriage give you that you don't already have? He sounds like a keeper to me. Marriage is only a piece of paper.
But marriage is a commitment. Not marrying is NOT making a commitment. That is what it either gives you or doesn't. It is not a guarantee, but it is or is not a commitment.

And two people can stand before each other, and say the words "I am comitted to you", and mean it just as much as two people who are getting married.

One does not need a marriage license to do that.

Stray · ‎04-20-2013

I don't see why marriage or not is a deal breaker. A marriage certificate has ruined many beautiful relationships in my circle of friends. Enjoy what you have...keep him!

VaBelle35 · ‎03-10-2010

@Goodie2shoes wrote:
@I'm a very happy girl @ 66 yrs old, retired and financially stable, own my home. I have been dating a 62 year old man exclusively for a little over 1 yr and he is also retired and financially stable. We are very happy, never argue, he treats me very very well, takes me to dinner (I also cook), we go bowling, he surprises me with roses, he's never late, stays fit and keeps his word all the time. When I met him, I told him I was looking for someone to build a great relationship with and eventually wanted to get married. Later in the relationship he told me he never wants to get married again. We love each other very much but since we have different goals I'm thinking about ending the relationship and moving on until I find what I am looking for because at my age, no need to waste my time. What would you do ???

@Goodie2shoes I have the same goals as you. I have dated truly wonderful men, but unfortunately they did not enjoy being married to their first wives and are not interested in marrying again.

It is hard to let the good ones go, but it was best for me as I do want to be married and not just in a committed/dating relationship or living together.

===================================
QVC Shopper - 1993

# IAMTEAMWEN

software · ‎06-08-2016

@Plaid Pants2 wrote:
@Sooner wrote:
@Trudey wrote:
What will marriage give you that you don't already have? He sounds like a keeper to me. Marriage is only a piece of paper.
But marriage is a commitment. Not marrying is NOT making a commitment. That is what it either gives you or doesn't. It is not a guarantee, but it is or is not a commitment.

And two people can stand before each other, and say the words "I am comitted to you", and mean it just as much as two people who are getting married.

One does not need a marriage license to do that.

I actually think living together in a committed relationship is better. When 2 people decide to marry, they have their own expectations of what marriage is. Sometimes those expectations turn out to be incompatible. Usually when 2 people don't marry, but agree to an exclusive, committed, live-in relationship, many issues are discussed in advance. Particularly if it's not their first relationship.

VaBelle35 · ‎03-10-2010

There is nothing more offensive to me than when someone asks me to justify why I want to get married.

I have the same rights as anyone else on this planet to want something for myself. Why I want it shouldn't matter to anyone but me.

This is a personal decision and there is no right or wrong answer to the question.

===================================
QVC Shopper - 1993

# IAMTEAMWEN

Plaid Pants2 · ‎03-14-2015

@software wrote:
@Plaid Pants2 wrote:
@Sooner wrote:
@Trudey wrote:
What will marriage give you that you don't already have? He sounds like a keeper to me. Marriage is only a piece of paper.
But marriage is a commitment. Not marrying is NOT making a commitment. That is what it either gives you or doesn't. It is not a guarantee, but it is or is not a commitment.

And two people can stand before each other, and say the words "I am comitted to you", and mean it just as much as two people who are getting married.

One does not need a marriage license to do that.

I actually think living together in a committed relationship is better. When 2 people decide to marry, they have their own expectations of what marriage is. Sometimes those expectations turn out to be incompatible. Usually when 2 people don't marry, but agree to an exclusive, committed, live-in relationship, many issues are discussed in advance. Particularly if it's not their first relationship.