Community Chat

[NYC Susan]

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@kivah wrote:

I would tell him that since u want to get married, you'll need to move on. He could call u once in a while - as friends.

I recommend u check out e-Harmony.com --- my neighbor met her husband on there in 2005 - and they got married in 2006. When they met, she was 60 yrs old and he was 62. She also met a guy on e-Harmony right before --- and he said he was looking for a younger woman - so she left. She was so glad the 1st guy wasn't interested --- because she met and married the perfect guy for her. Move On!!!!!

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I disagree with this advice.

First, let me say that I know many people who have had successful relationships that resulted from online dating.  I know happily married couples who met exactly that way.  And I myself had a really nice long-term relationship that began on an online dating site.

However, I would never even consider throwing this nice, considerate guy with all of his great qualities away in favor of hoping to meet someone on a dating site.  What are the chances she's going to find someone wonderful and compatible, who loves her, who she loves, who her children adore, who fits nicely into her life, and on top of that would want to get married?  

She already has the perfect guy.  His one flaw apparently is that he doesn't want to get married.  Not that he doesn't love her.  Not that he isn't clean or considerate or interesting or intelligent.  She's happy with him, and she loves him.  Casting him aside in favor of the complete lottery that dating sites are is foolish, IMO.

[Irshgrl31201]

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@NYC Susan wrote:

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@Noel7 wrote:

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@Goodie2shoes wrote:

Noel7 wrote :

I think the one thing so many posters don't understand is why you feel guilty being with him in an unmarried state when you did it with someone else for 40 years.

Why?

Great question !  maybe because I did waste 40 some years with a man I thought would change and do the right thing. We had 2 children, didn't live together was in a rocky off and on relationship and my focus was on raising my children, working to keep a roof over their heads, pay my bills etc.  I even bought 2 houses by myself, not with a dime of his money so I was very independent. Suddenly one day after my children were grown and I was left by myself, I realized I had wasted so many years off and on with someone who didn't deserve me and I finally kicked him to the curb for good. It's not that I feel guilty with the person I am with now, sorry if I made it seem that way, I just feel that since I finally found Mr. Right  I think there should be a full commitment.  I am very happy with him. We shall see  

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@Goodie2shoes

The first guy may not have been perfect, but he stayed with you for 40 years and you stayed with him.

You're going to lose this guy if you push him.  Your choice.

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I agree.  He's been a devoted partner, and has also been honest about not wanting to get married. 

I'm also a bit bothered by the constant reference to thing""doing the right thing" , in other words what the OP considers to be the right thing.  It implies, of course, that not getting married is the wrong thing, and that's pretty judgmental.  For him getting married might be the wrong thing, and he's entitled to feel just as strongly about his position as she feels about hers.

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I felt the same way when I read that @NYC Susan. It doesn't sound like marriage is the right thing for him at all. It also doesn't seem like that has stopped him from giving her one of the most enjoyable and happy relationships she has had, he just doesn't need a piece of paper to do it. He was open and honest from the very beginning and doesn't sound like he is playing games. Why would a woman try to change the mind of a man who she is otherwise very happy with? If she isn't happy with that she needs to stop with the games and move on.

[NYC Susan]

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@Irshgrl31201 wrote:

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@NYC Susan wrote:

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@Noel7 wrote:

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@Goodie2shoes wrote:

Noel7 wrote :

I think the one thing so many posters don't understand is why you feel guilty being with him in an unmarried state when you did it with someone else for 40 years.

Why?

Great question !  maybe because I did waste 40 some years with a man I thought would change and do the right thing. We had 2 children, didn't live together was in a rocky off and on relationship and my focus was on raising my children, working to keep a roof over their heads, pay my bills etc.  I even bought 2 houses by myself, not with a dime of his money so I was very independent. Suddenly one day after my children were grown and I was left by myself, I realized I had wasted so many years off and on with someone who didn't deserve me and I finally kicked him to the curb for good. It's not that I feel guilty with the person I am with now, sorry if I made it seem that way, I just feel that since I finally found Mr. Right  I think there should be a full commitment.  I am very happy with him. We shall see  

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@Goodie2shoes

The first guy may not have been perfect, but he stayed with you for 40 years and you stayed with him.

You're going to lose this guy if you push him.  Your choice.

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I agree.  He's been a devoted partner, and has also been honest about not wanting to get married. 

I'm also a bit bothered by the constant reference to thing""doing the right thing" , in other words what the OP considers to be the right thing.  It implies, of course, that not getting married is the wrong thing, and that's pretty judgmental.  For him getting married might be the wrong thing, and he's entitled to feel just as strongly about his position as she feels about hers.

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I felt the same way when I read that @NYC Susan. It doesn't sound like marriage is the right thing for him at all. It also doesn't seem like that has stopped him from giving her one of the most enjoyable and happy relationships she has had, he just doesn't need a piece of paper to do it. He was open and honest from the very beginning and doesn't sound like he is playing games. Why would a woman try to change the mind of a man who she is otherwise very happy with? If she isn't happy with that she needs to stop with the games and move on.

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Yes, he's definitely not playing games, and he deserves credit for that.  By continuing the relationship after he told her that he doesn't want to get married again, the OP pretty much let him know that she was okay with that.

If she's not okay, and if it truly is a dealbreaker, then she needs to do something about this relationship right away.  It's not fair to him to suddenly switch gears and put the onus on him to change his mind about something he's already been clear about.  Dropping hints about an engagement ring is not the way to go about it at this stage.  He has every right to feel resentful of tactics like that and to feel that what he wants doesn't matter.  

If marriage doesn't feel right to both parties, it's not very much of a meaningful commitment, which pretty much defeats the purpose.

[Lindsays Grandma]

You made some valid points to be sure.  There are two ways to look at this.  He goes, she might never find what she is looking for at her age.  He stays, they live together, eight years down the road he decides to leave, at her age pickings are very slim and chances are she won't ever find anyone. 

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@occasionalrain wrote:

You have the best of both worlds. You have no responsibility to him, you won't have to take care of him if he becomes seriously ill, or be responsible for his bills if his money runs out.

I assume you do not live together, so you don't have to accommodate his habits or modify yours. Men in that age group who are all you say he is are scarce. There will be women waiting in line to replace you while you may be looking to replace him for a very long time.

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I think I would go for him staying only if they live together.

[Lindsays Grandma]

Very, very good points.  I'll bet his children won't  want him to remarry for fear he will change his will and leave it all or a good part to the wife.  More than likely his children have been named as beneficiaries on everything he owns.  All of this could be a deal breaker when it comes to marriage. 

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@SharkE wrote:

Just guessing I'd say he's worried about it from a money angle.

with men it's always about the money. He's afraid of some kind of money outlay if she gets sick, major things. doesn't want to be legally responsible for anything.

My Aunt has been living with someone for 25 yrs. and one day I broached the subject of if she is responsible for him if he has to go to nursing home in future, etc. 

She said "H*ll no, that's why we never married nobody can come back on either one of us if we have to go to nursing home, long term care, debts, etc."    Makes sense to me.

I'd bet you my car it's about money. Men, hold that dearer then life.

Plus, his kids may be afraid she would stand heir over them when he dies

change the will, etc.

Stories , I could tell........True......

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[Lindsays Grandma]

Well said, good points. 

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@hellodali wrote:

Let's face it.  If you and he are both retired, you are both no so young.  Your relationship sounds like one a lot of people only dream about.  What does that piece of paper really mean? 

Have the marriage talk if you need to, but please think twice about showing him the door if he stands his ground. 

You want to move on?  To what?  Are you sure there is going to be someone to move on to?  It sounds like what you have is wonderful and maybe you should just appreciate it.  No one is promising you tomorrow, so please realize you may have a lot of time alone.

You may look back with regret that you didn't just enjoy the moment.  Who knows, maybe as time goes on he may change, or not.  But what does it really matter?

PLEASE don't rush into ending this.  Ask yourself why you need a piece of paper and ask him why he doesn't want one.  But please don't give him an ultimatum.  People -- men and women -- do not like to be backed into a corner.

Also, please let us know how t works out.  Good luck!

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[Lindsays Grandma]

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@ROMARY wrote:

I probably would continue to date him.  No strings attached.   If you happen to run across someone else who is marriage material, go ahead and explore that person.  Since you two don't seem to have a 'committment' of any kind.  Just relaxed dating.   I doubt if this present beau will mind if, one day, you meet and actually marry someone else.  After all, he stated that he won't marry you or anyone else.   .........  Btw, remember to have a pre-nup in place, regardless of who/whom you marry.  Make sure your fiance has his own attorney to review your pre-nup before he signs it.  I believe that his having an attorney review it, makes it more legally enforceable, in your favor.  Well, that's what I've heard, anyway.

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As for a prenup, most definitely each party must have their own attorney.   Two days before the wedding my fiancee took me to his attorney's office where a printed prenup sat waiting for my signature.  Happy bride to be signed it but it backfired when we got a divorce.  Because I did not have my own legal council the prenup became null and void.

[Calcgirl]

I am 69, widowed, financially stable with my own home and I am with a great guy who is 66 for the last 3 years.  Neither of us feel the need to be married.  Commitment and love have nothing to do with a piece of paper.  Financial matters upon death do; which is why I will not remarry. 

I think you would regret letting this man leave your life.  Also, you stated you both have been dating for only a year. He may in time change his mind; or as you said you both do your own thing when not together.  Maybe he likes his freedom and is fearful that marriage or living together would destroy what you both have.  Give it time and don't do anything rash that you might regret.  At our age the guy pool is very limited especially healthy men.

Good luck.  Enjoy life, we both have the best of both worlds.

[jubilant]

For me this would be easy. I would not go against my conscience or my beliefs. I couldn't be happy with myself doing that. Happiness to me is being in the center of God's will for my life and living a life that would please Him.

[missy1]

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@Lindsays Grandma wrote:

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@ROMARY wrote:

I probably would continue to date him.  No strings attached.   If you happen to run across someone else who is marriage material, go ahead and explore that person.  Since you two don't seem to have a 'committment' of any kind.  Just relaxed dating.   I doubt if this present beau will mind if, one day, you meet and actually marry someone else.  After all, he stated that he won't marry you or anyone else.   .........  Btw, remember to have a pre-nup in place, regardless of who/whom you marry.  Make sure your fiance has his own attorney to review your pre-nup before he signs it.  I believe that his having an attorney review it, makes it more legally enforceable, in your favor.  Well, that's what I've heard, anyway.

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As for a prenup, most definitely each party must have their own attorney.   Two days before the wedding my fiancee took me to his attorney's office where a printed prenup sat waiting for my signature.  Happy bride to be signed it but it backfired when we got a divorce.  Because I did not have my own legal council the prenup became null and void.

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You signed it, so your telling me it didn't hold  up in court? I don't understand this.

Where I live many people file divorce pro se or just one of the parties have an attorney. Just because one party doesn't have an attorney the case is still legal and binding. Do prenups have a different set of rules?