Reply
Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,111
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

@Isobel Archer wrote:

I think you did absolutely the right thing and I applaud you for standing up to her trying to guilt you into giving in to her outrageous demands.

 

My DH's sisters are both like that (but interestingly not his brother and his wife).  They have as much money as we do, but act as if we owe them.  When they visit, they never offer to cook or clean up after themselves and they expect us to take them sightseeing.   My one SIL just left and after including herself in a bridge group we attend, when asked if she was going with us on our cruise (we are leaving this week), she sighed and said - "No I'm just the little sister (she's 73), and they never do anything like that for me."

 

Of course, she and her husband are about to leave for Switzerland in a couple of weeks, but hey what can I say - she's oppressed.

 

I should not forget to mention her generousity tho.  As a thank you gift for her two week visit, she gave me a squeegee thing to help me do dishes.  I am overwhelmed.


Wow...just wow!

A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal. ~~ Steve Maraboli
Honored Contributor
Posts: 10,649
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Given that your mom has dementia, I probably wouldn't encourage even future visits.  I would think extra people staying in your home could prove very confusing and upsetting to your mother.  Stick to your guns.  You did the right thing by saying no to their unreasonable request.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,111
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

@esmeraldagooch wrote:

I believe this is called Setting Boundaries.   In the late Dr. Wayne Dyers book Pulling your own strings, he talks about manuplative relatives.  Your response was just what he said to do when this occured.  

 

BTW, now that you've done it once, it will be easier next time.


Thank you, @esmeraldagooch. I never thought of it as setting boundaries, but I guess that is what I did. I have to read Dr. Dyers book. Sounds like a good one.

A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal. ~~ Steve Maraboli
Contributor
Posts: 77
Registered: ‎04-11-2010

You were absolutely right to say no, and I'm so sorry that you were treated rudely by your SIL.  It must have been galling that she actually pressed you after you said no!  You were right to stand firm.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,111
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

@aggravated wrote:

My sister-in-law phoned Friday to request, once again, that she and her husband stay with us for two nights over the weekend in two weeks.  I am beyond irritated.  I have NEVER stayed in their home.  When they lived near us all the get-togethers were at our house including this couple and their parents.  I once asked my husband if his sister had two broken arms?  This has become a constant.  They travel all over the place to dog shows (and stay in hotels while doing so) and vacation in their RV for three months at a time.  If you can't afford a hotel - do not plan a "visit".  My husband said yes, of course, and when I objected to being an on-call B&B told me it was his house too.  UGH!!

 

I should add they have other friends in the area that they wish to visit since not all of us can pick up and move to Florida or elsewhere.


@aggravated ... I'm with you on this one!

A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal. ~~ Steve Maraboli
Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,111
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

@ChynnaBlue wrote:

First, good for you. I think you did the right thing.  Second, I want to address this quote:

I remained firm with my response and said that if two of them wanted to come maybe over the Fourth of July or Labor Day, we would be happy to accommodate them...but not four adults. I told her that I could recommend some nice hotels for the other two. She tried to put a guilt trip on me by saying that "They are just kids and don't have the money for hotels." (They are approx. 30 years old...both college grads).

 

If they have student loans, she's right, they probably can't afford a hotel. 37% of college graduates under 40 carry student debt and the average is $40,000 per student. And the average pay of someone in that same age range is under $35,000 a year. It's pretty bad out there. You can check it out here: https://www.yellowbrickprogram.com/blog/millennials-and-debt-the-long-term-effect

 

But if your sister-in-law was really worried the "kids" couldn't afford a hotel, she could have suggested that they stay with you and that she get a hotel. And that she'd leave the dog at home and not bring the nephew's girlfriend. She didn't because she wants a free ride for everyone and the dog.

 

She sounds like a real piece of work and I'm glad you said no.


@ChynnaBlue ... Bringing the girlfriend really surprised me....what nerve! She even told me that they had their plans to come here made already. I couldn't believe that. I told her that she should have checked with us before making plans. Also, we have a cat who is terrified of dogs. We have to keep her in one room with the door closed when a dog is present.

A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal. ~~ Steve Maraboli
Honored Contributor
Posts: 17,054
Registered: ‎04-28-2010

Bravo!  Don't back down.   They will be better off in the long run if they learn how to save for a vacation, motel, car rental, etc.   Going around, staying with various people, isn't my idea of being considerate.   Don't worry; she will get over it.  That, or she'll find another family to bombard, dog and all.

'More or less', 'Right or wrong', 'In general', and 'Just thinking out loud ' (as usual).
Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,111
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

@chrystaltree wrote:

@aggravated wrote:

My sister-in-law phoned Friday to request, once again, that she and her husband stay with us for two nights over the weekend in two weeks.  I am beyond irritated.  I have NEVER stayed in their home.  When they lived near us all the get-togethers were at our house including this couple and their parents.  I once asked my husband if his sister had two broken arms?  This has become a constant.  They travel all over the place to dog shows (and stay in hotels while doing so) and vacation in their RV for three months at a time.  If you can't afford a hotel - do not plan a "visit".  My husband said yes, of course, and when I objected to being an on-call B&B told me it was his house too.  UGH!!

 

I should add they have other friends in the area that they wish to visit since not all of us can pick up and move to Florida or elsewhere.


 

       Well, I hate to say it but it your husban's home too and this is his sister and a 2 night visit with 2 weeks notice really is not unreasonable.  I understand that you are still upset about the other thing which you handled.  That's over.  If your husband wants them to come for the 2 days, I don't think you have choice but you can dictate the terms of the visit.  You should call and say, "we'd love to have you for the TWO days but we are busy with projects and caring for my mother, so you will have to shop and cook and clean up after yourselves".   


@chrystaltree ... Just to clarify, this is not my husband's sister. This is my late brother's wife (my SIL). My husband does not want them here at this time either. We have enough on our plate right now. As I said, I told them that two of them would be welcome this summer. We cannot put up with four extra adults and a dog. It is way too much work, and it would really cause my mother a lot of confusion.

A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal. ~~ Steve Maraboli
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,475
Registered: ‎03-14-2015

Re: Said "No" to Company!

[ Edited ]

@Yardlie wrote:

@chrystaltree wrote:

@aggravated wrote:

My sister-in-law phoned Friday to request, once again, that she and her husband stay with us for two nights over the weekend in two weeks.  I am beyond irritated.  I have NEVER stayed in their home.  When they lived near us all the get-togethers were at our house including this couple and their parents.  I once asked my husband if his sister had two broken arms?  This has become a constant.  They travel all over the place to dog shows (and stay in hotels while doing so) and vacation in their RV for three months at a time.  If you can't afford a hotel - do not plan a "visit".  My husband said yes, of course, and when I objected to being an on-call B&B told me it was his house too.  UGH!!

 

I should add they have other friends in the area that they wish to visit since not all of us can pick up and move to Florida or elsewhere.


 

       Well, I hate to say it but it your husban's home too and this is his sister and a 2 night visit with 2 weeks notice really is not unreasonable.  I understand that you are still upset about the other thing which you handled.  That's over.  If your husband wants them to come for the 2 days, I don't think you have choice but you can dictate the terms of the visit.  You should call and say, "we'd love to have you for the TWO days but we are busy with projects and caring for my mother, so you will have to shop and cook and clean up after yourselves".   


@chrystaltree ... Just to clarify, this is not my husband's sister. This is my late brother's wife (my SIL). My husband does not want them here at this time either. We have enough on our plate right now. As I said, I told them that two of them would be welcome this summer. We cannot put up with four extra adults and a dog. It is way too much work, and it would really cause my mother a lot of confusion.


 

 

 

@Yardlie

 

 

 

 

@chrystaltree was responding to what @aggravated wrote.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 9,234
Registered: ‎06-08-2016

I would have offered to get them a room.    I consider  myself a member of a close family with kids, cousins, etc.   No one would ever dare to impose themselves, even at short notice.   Too many nice hotels around, reasonably priced.

 

If you can't afford one, stay home.

 

Try not to feel guilty, you have enough going on.   I can tell you are a very generous person.

 

@Yardlie