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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,475
Registered: ‎03-14-2015

@Yardlie

 

 

 

You said NOTHING offensive! Don't feel guilty about saying "No"! You did the RIGHT thing! 

 

It was rude of her to just assume that you would take them in and be happy about it!

 

You handled it exactly right.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 11,648
Registered: ‎08-03-2013

Re: Said "No" to Company!

[ Edited ]

@Yardlie   congratulations to you for standing up for yourself and your immediate family members. You wrote she was angry when she hung up. Good! Hopefully she's angry enough that she won't impose on you again.

 

~~~"They laugh at me because I'm different.
I laugh at them because they're all the same..."~~~
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,183
Registered: ‎06-07-2010

@Meowingkitty wrote:

I don't like to impose on people. I feel if I can't afford to stay in a hotel I won't go. I am visiting a friend in October and she offered me her spare bedroom but I told her no, I would stay at a hotel. I like my privacy, and don't want to interrupt their schedules. Plus the husband works and the last thing he needs is me in the way. 


I feel the same way.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,183
Registered: ‎06-07-2010

Good for you, Yardlie.......and don't you dare back down.  I would even forget the 4th of July, etc thoughts.  You don't need it.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 17,739
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

It seems like she showed no concern ,how all of this was going to affect your ill mother. Dementia is hard to deal with as it is. Any deviation from what  people are used to ,can be highly upsetting for them

Contributor
Posts: 37
Registered: ‎02-06-2014

Good girl.  If it makes you uncomfortable now, you will be worse as the visit approaches.  I'm the same way....and some people just don't have a clue how much time & effort you extert trying to accommodate "company", family or not.....stick to your plan and be happy about it!    Devote your love, attention, efforts,  and time to your mother & husband and don't feel guilty about it.  No matter what you do or say, some people just don't get these things!  We are all not the same....what stresses some of us doesn't even phase the next person, so don't worry......

Honored Contributor
Posts: 19,658
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

@cherry wrote:

If she is well off, she could have coughed up the funds for the extra 2, to say in a hotel

 

I would never impose on anyone, especially with everything you have going on.

 

Who brings a dog with them?  Your sil sounds rude and selfish to me.  I can't believe the nerve of some people


I agree with @cherry.

 

Stand Your Ground!!!

 

Your first priority should be what is in the best interest of yourself, DH and Mom. A lot of chaos may really confuse/upset Mom.

 

And who takes care of the dog when they're all out sightseeing, etc.? YOU!

 

If SIL can't afford hotels for their vacation (I know you said your late brother left her well off, though), then they need to not plan a vacation, IMO.

 

They're just looking for a freebie at your expense!

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,117
Registered: ‎08-19-2014

Re: Said "No" to Company!

[ Edited ]

     You were 100% right!!! It drives me crazy when family or friends think it's ok to invite themselves to vacation in other peoples homes!! You have a lot on your plate caring for your mom.And let's not forget that you also have a life!! 

    I don't allow overnight guests anymore.I find that they take advantage.They never clean up after themselves & expect to be catered to!! Oh, & they tend to stay longer than planned.

   Whenever I visit family or friends that live a distance from my home I always stay in a nereby hotel.DH & I always make sure we also have a car even if we have to rent one.This way we don't inconvenience anyone.We can enjoy eachothers company without the stress of overstaying our welcome.As a result we always have a great time!! Our family/ friends always invite us back!! They all say that we are low maintenance!!

Honored Contributor
Posts: 15,303
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

@Yardlie wrote:

My husband and I have a nice home that we built right after retirement. My mother (who has dementia) lives with us in her own little "suite."

 

We have one guest room and one other room that could be a bedroom, but we use it as an office.

 

Yesterday, my sister-in-law (my late brother's wife) called from Philadelphia and wanted to come for a visit with her daughter the week after next. They had been here before, and we gave each of them a separate room. We just put an inflatable bed in the office. Well, this time they wanted to bring along my nephew...and his girlfriend...and their dog!

 

First, my mother has just been diagnosed with dementia, and we are still making some changes around the house to aid her. Second, that is way too short notice for a vacation. Third, are they serious??? Do they really think four adults can pile in on us? When DH and I visited them in Philadelphia, we always stayed in a hotel. My brother left his wife well set financially when he passed.

 

I just came right out and said "No...not at this time." I explained that we did not have room for four more adults and that it would be too crazy around here for my mother (and me). My SIL begged and begged because her daughter is starting a new job and won't be able to get time off work probably for a year. They said that some of them could sleep on the floor. She said they have done that at other places they have stayed.

 

I remained firm with my response and said that if two of them wanted to come maybe over the Fourth of July or Labor Day, we would be happy to accommodate them...but not four adults. I told her that I could recommend some nice hotels for the other two. She tried to put a guilt trip on me by saying that "They are just kids and don't have the money for hotels." (They are approx. 30 years old...both college grads).

 

The last time they visited, they expected me to do all the cooking and clean up, and I worked my tail off. She also said, "We're family...we won't be any extra work!" I told her that she needed to give us a couple month's notice before coming, as we have our own plans and need to make sure we have time to spend with them.

 

Needless to say, she was not happy with my response, and I could tell she was angry when we hung up. Did I say anything offensive? How would you have handled this situation? Thanks so much!

 

 

 

 


of course not, 30 y/o can afford a hotel.

and personally I prefer a hotel to staying in someone's house anyway.  TV, bathroom to myself, gym etc.

 

 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 15,303
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

in addtion the extra people in the house will probably not do your Mother in Law any good with her dementia