Community Chat

[Greeneyedlady21]

Just awful, as it has been stated some people just think the world revolves around them. I didn't read every page but let me guess..do you live in a resort/beach type area? Is that the reason for the urgency?

Stand your ground and don't budge. Family is never an excuse for insensitivity and selfishness.

[missy1]

I would have said no to all of them. Then I would have told them where some motels are close by. I like my privacy.

[LdyBugz]

@Yardlie  I agree with all of the other posters.  You were right to stand your ground and do what's right for you and your mom.  If your SIL can't understand that, then shame on her!

BTW, I think your mom is one very lucky lady to have such a wonderful daughter that is taking care of her!  Hugs to you!!!

~LdyBugz

[Q4u]

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@Isobel Archer wrote:

Since your mom is her former MIL, I wonder what her reaction would have been if you'd said:  Oh this is just what I've been hoping for - some relief in taking care of Mom.  My DH and I really could use a respite.  We will turn the house over to you and I will give you a list of all the things you need to do for Mom and also a list of her appointments.

DH and I will call periodically to check in.  Thanks so very much for offering your help.

And Yes of course, I know you would never do this, but it would be hysterical to hear her reaction.

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THIS is Priceless!  

[Big Sister]

Good for you saying NO and not giving in to her.   I would have no problem saying NO and suggesting a hotel nearby.  Even then, she would probably expect you to cook and entertain them.  NO, NO, NO.

And bless you for taking care of your mother.  I have been where you are and it is very difficult and time consuming.

[Q4u]

Sending her an email to reiterate the whys was a very good idea. Protecting your Mother during this time is paramount and you're doing great.  Aside from how most of us on this thread were offended for you, you are right to again explain to her how it's going to be from now on.  She is the one that will have to adjust to the new rules and get over being offended because the new rules are what is best for your Mom and your family, and they come absolutely first.  

[sunala]

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@Yardlie wrote:

My husband and I have a nice home that we built right after retirement. My mother (who has dementia) lives with us in her own little "suite."

We have one guest room and one other room that could be a bedroom, but we use it as an office.

Yesterday, my sister-in-law (my late brother's wife) called from Philadelphia and wanted to come for a visit with her daughter the week after next. They had been here before, and we gave each of them a separate room. We just put an inflatable bed in the office. Well, this time they wanted to bring along my nephew...and his girlfriend...and their dog!

First, my mother has just been diagnosed with dementia, and we are still making some changes around the house to aid her. Second, that is way too short notice for a vacation. Third, are they serious??? Do they really think four adults can pile in on us? When DH and I visited them in Philadelphia, we always stayed in a hotel. My brother left his wife well set financially when he passed.

I just came right out and said "No...not at this time." I explained that we did not have room for four more adults and that it would be too crazy around here for my mother (and me). My SIL begged and begged because her daughter is starting a new job and won't be able to get time off work probably for a year. They said that some of them could sleep on the floor. She said they have done that at other places they have stayed.

I remained firm with my response and said that if two of them wanted to come maybe over the Fourth of July or Labor Day, we would be happy to accommodate them...but not four adults. I told her that I could recommend some nice hotels for the other two. She tried to put a guilt trip on me by saying that "They are just kids and don't have the money for hotels." (They are approx. 30 years old...both college grads).

The last time they visited, they expected me to do all the cooking and clean up, and I worked my tail off. She also said, "We're family...we won't be any extra work!" I told her that she needed to give us a couple month's notice before coming, as we have our own plans and need to make sure we have time to spend with them.

Needless to say, she was not happy with my response, and I could tell she was angry when we hung up. Did I say anything offensive? How would you have handled this situation? Thanks so much!

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@Yardlie

BRAVO!!!!!

[Toppers3]

Hi @Yardlie,

I'll just add my thoughts to what everyone pretty much already said, and that is that you weren't offensive to your SIL by what you said to her.

I wouldn't think of imposing on someone who is a care-giver to another family member.

I know what that's like, regarding caring for someone else.

It's all that you can do to take care of your own family, and then to think of trying to visit with others, especially when they are imposing on you without any kind of regard for you and your family...

[febe1]

Good on you, @Yardlie. You stood up for yourself. You can't accommodate them, and you should feel good you asserted yourself. If they can't afford a motel, stay home and save up your money until you can. All you need say is "your plate is full" and just can't do it, anytime.

They should feel bad as you just did the right thing. I took care of my mom with dementia, and you just need help not additional obligations..

[NativeJax]

I probably would have just said I would really love to accommodate but simply can't due to MIL.

it doesn't sound like you are very fond or close to them otherwise you would have said yes but no dog. Or yes but only two nights and no dog...a week is too long for anyone to come.

My family is very close and sometimes we run into this but they stay at various other family members to accommodate and help them save money.

Do you not enjoy them?