Reply
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,897
Registered: ‎10-26-2010

Re: Said "No" to Company!

[ Edited ]

I think it's fine to mention that you'd like to visit with someone...as long as you make it clear that you'd be staying at a hotel. At least they know that you care about them and want to see them.

 

I'd rather stay at a hotel anyway - more freedom to do what we want.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 20,648
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Yeah, it's one thing to say 'We'll be in town on xx date/week.  Would you like to get together?'.  

 

But to invite yourself, AND THEN bring a bunch more people and a dog too (!), to stay at your house, is just so far beyond anything socially acceptable to me.

 

I would probably be so flabbergasted that it would take me a minute to come up with a coherent response.  hehe  

Valued Contributor
Posts: 752
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Yardlie,

 

My Mom suffered with Alzhiemers and like you we kept her with us. On a good day it is beyond difficult. You shouldn't have to explain yourself to anyone.  My Dad had Vascular Dementia at the same time so we had two to care for . I hope you take care of yourself, caretakers often burn out.  We sometimes hired LPNs independently so we could sleep. I know it is tough but also rewarding .My parents parted 31 days apart and I am so glad we made the choice we did . My husband was heroic and wouldn't have done it any other way. I'm sending you a hug. You are a good daughter.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,257
Registered: ‎06-15-2016

How rude!  You did exactly the right thing! How dare anyone expect to be welcome when they do the inviting for themselves! My grandmother always said the difference between heaven and hell is one little word, "no"! Stick to your guns!

 

ps she also told me if I didn't want company to get a small house! Time to convert your extra rooms into something that doesn't allow for sleeping!😉

Never underestimate the power of kindness.
Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,828
Registered: ‎04-04-2015

Since your mom is her former MIL, I wonder what her reaction would have been if you'd said:  Oh this is just what I've been hoping for - some relief in taking care of Mom.  My DH and I really could use a respite.  We will turn the house over to you and I will give you a list of all the things you need to do for Mom and also a list of her appointments.

 

DH and I will call periodically to check in.  Thanks so very much for offering your help.

 

And Yes of course, I know you would never do this, but it would be hysterical to hear her reaction.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 18,504
Registered: ‎05-23-2010

It's not new, but the dog Thing never ceases to have me doing a jaw-drop.

 

Your dog may be Your Precious Perfect Baby, but it's not everyone's perfect baby. You may think its people manners are swell; the people Precious jumps on, sniffs and potentially trips probably don't.

 

I love dogs like I love all animals, but I hate it when dogs are constantly jumping, constantly trying for attention, ON you. If your dog can't sit quietly and wait for a non-owner to approach it, and doesn't know when enough is enough as far as "sit", it will never be welcome outside your home.

 

My household loves dogs. We don't have any at this stage because there's enough travel and being away (and us getting older) that probably no more doggies. We do have a cat - a shelter rescue cat who is terrified of dogs.

 

Amazing the friends, family members, neighbors who feel entitled to bring their fairly large, weighty, boisterous, untrained dogs when they come over - for 2 hrs, the night or two weeks - KNOWING we have said please don't, and why. Kitty is OUR Beloved. So it's okay to bring your animal to OUR HOUSE, after we've SAID NO? NOT.

 

The one exception we made was family who brought an 8 week old puppy that was too much a baby to be left. It was passed from lap to lap, cuddled to pieces, and kitty just kept her wary distance for that few hours.

 

The dog may be "just like" your child, but they are a dog. Some people have allergies. Some might easily trip and fall over a dog, whatever size it is. Some people just don't want a strange animal in their house, re accidentally breaking something or having accidents.

 

If you "cannot" leave the dog behind, stay in a motel.

Life without Mexican food is no life at all
Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,787
Registered: ‎02-20-2017

I don't like overnight guests - let alone four people and a

dog     I would have said no too.  

 

Don't feel guilty for saying no.   Your SIL put you on the spot.   That was very rude 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 14,884
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

It's funny how men see things differently when it comes to guests.My DH thinks it is all well and good anytime.He doesn't help out with anything and he carries on doing what he has planned.He doesn't see this though and says that I am not being hospitable if I complain.I can't get him to understand that it is only really fun if you aren't the one worrying about all of the meals,outings,cleaning and entertaining.he says if that is all that is troubling me then I have a problem because we should just carry on as usual when we have guests.Men....

Honored Contributor
Posts: 18,752
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

I used to love having people over when I was younger, except for when my MIL came a couple of times when DD was little and it was pure hades.  

 

Luckily, everyone we are close to now either lives here or gets hotel rooms when they visit the city.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 3,111
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

@Tinkrbl44 wrote:

@Yardlie

 

Wow.    First, I think you did the right thing, and should defintely stand you ground.  Don't waver, even a little.

 

I have to ask .....   was her intent to visit YOU or whatever area you live in?      Were you guys closer when your brother was alive?   

 

I can't imagine people coming to my home, plopping themselves down and say, basically, okay .... we're here, entertain us.    Yeah, right.   

 

If this comes up again, please email her a search of various priced hotels and motels in your area.    Your casa is NOT her casa.


@Tinkrbl44 ... My SIL had good intentions. She has been here before, so she has seen the area. She mainly wants to come so that she and the kids could see their Great Grandma again. They just found out that she has dementia. My SIL doesn't understand that it is usually a long, slow process that goes on for a number of years.

 

She just got excited and thought she would race right out here before she got "too bad." She doesn't understand how stressful it is for us or the changes that we have to incorporate in our house and routine...and she doesn't understand that everyone staying here would overwhelm my mother and cause her even more confusion than she has now.

 

I tried to explain these things to her, but she had her feelings hurt and was upset. I sent her a cheerful email today going over these things again and explaining that we would be happy to accommodate two people later this summer for a short visit...but four people and a dog would be too much for all of us and would cause my mother to become even more confused than she is now. She likes routine, and the neuropsychologist explained that breaking or changing her routine will cause her symptoms to exacerbate.

A kind gesture can reach a wound that only compassion can heal. ~~ Steve Maraboli