Community Chat

[Lindsays Grandma]

I'm with everyone else who said "good for you", you did nothing wrong.  Your sister-in-law was out of line with her request and you need not feel you did anything wrong.  If she ever asks to visit you again simply tell her she will be welcome to see the family and give her the name of a hotel or motel close by she and whoever else is coming with her can stay at. 

[chrystaltree]

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@Yardlie wrote:

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@chrystaltree wrote:

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@aggravated wrote:

My sister-in-law phoned Friday to request, once again, that she and her husband stay with us for two nights over the weekend in two weeks.  I am beyond irritated.  I have NEVER stayed in their home.  When they lived near us all the get-togethers were at our house including this couple and their parents.  I once asked my husband if his sister had two broken arms?  This has become a constant.  They travel all over the place to dog shows (and stay in hotels while doing so) and vacation in their RV for three months at a time.  If you can't afford a hotel - do not plan a "visit".  My husband said yes, of course, and when I objected to being an on-call B&B told me it was his house too.  UGH!!

I should add they have other friends in the area that they wish to visit since not all of us can pick up and move to Florida or elsewhere.

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       Well, I hate to say it but it your husban's home too and this is his sister and a 2 night visit with 2 weeks notice really is not unreasonable.  I understand that you are still upset about the other thing which you handled.  That's over.  If your husband wants them to come for the 2 days, I don't think you have choice but you can dictate the terms of the visit.  You should call and say, "we'd love to have you for the TWO days but we are busy with projects and caring for my mother, so you will have to shop and cook and clean up after yourselves".   

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@chrystaltree ... Just to clarify, this is not my husband's sister. This is my late brother's wife (my SIL). My husband does not want them here at this time either. We have enough on our plate right now. As I said, I told them that two of them would be welcome this summer. We cannot put up with four extra adults and a dog. It is way too much work, and it would really cause my mother a lot of confusion.

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        Sorry, I must have seen someone else's response and I thought you were updating us. 

[PurpleBunny]

I've been in almost the exact same boat. Once upon a time, I was guilted into compliance, no more. 

[Isobel Archer]

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@Yardlie wrote:

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@Tinkrbl44 wrote:

@Yardlie

Wow.    First, I think you did the right thing, and should defintely stand you ground.  Don't waver, even a little.

I have to ask .....   was her intent to visit YOU or whatever area you live in?      Were you guys closer when your brother was alive?   

I can't imagine people coming to my home, plopping themselves down and say, basically, okay .... we're here, entertain us.    Yeah, right.   

If this comes up again, please email her a search of various priced hotels and motels in your area.    Your casa is NOT her casa.

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@Tinkrbl44 ... My SIL had good intentions. She has been here before, so she has seen the area. She mainly wants to come so that she and the kids could see their Great Grandma again. They just found out that she has dementia. My SIL doesn't understand that it is usually a long, slow process that goes on for a number of years.

She just got excited and thought she would race right out here before she got "too bad." She doesn't understand how stressful it is for us or the changes that we have to incorporate in our house and routine...and she doesn't understand that everyone staying here would overwhelm my mother and cause her even more confusion than she has now.

I tried to explain these things to her, but she had her feelings hurt and was upset. I sent her a cheerful email today going over these things again and explaining that we would be happy to accommodate two people later this summer for a short visit...but four people and a dog would be too much for all of us and would cause my mother to become even more confused than she is now. She likes routine, and the neuropsychologist explained that breaking or changing her routine will cause her symptoms to exacerbate.

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This was kind of you, but I still think she was wrong to insist when you explained the situation in the first place.  If she already knew your mom had dementia  and this was the reason for the trip, I'd think she'd want to do everything to make it easier for your mom - and for you.  So why she'd balk at staying at a hotel and then visiting - maybe even one or two at a time - is beyond me.

[jubilant]

You handled it well.  She did not respect your "No"....that right there tells me she could be a handful.  People who don't respect your God given right to say no tend to be only thinking of themselves and have an "entitlement" problem.  

[Yardlie]

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@FrostyBabe1 wrote:

I say "NO" to anyone who tries to invite themselves to visit me at the beach 100% of the time. I offer to provide a list of hotels in the area and suggest we might be able to meet for lunch one day. I had one couple that was so insistent that they just had to come see me for a few days (while they were on their annual mooching tour of Florida) that I finally said "my goodness, we never even get together for dinner or a movie at home, why on earth would you want to make a point of seeing me when we're 1300 miles away?". I think they finally got it.  If I invite someone, that's a different story, but self inviters are always turned away. 

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@ @FrostyBabe1 ... Good for you! Assertive Women Unite!

[Yardlie]

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@Isobel Archer wrote:

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@Yardlie wrote:

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@chrystaltree wrote:

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@aggravated wrote:

My sister-in-law phoned Friday to request, once again, that she and her husband stay with us for two nights over the weekend in two weeks.  I am beyond irritated.  I have NEVER stayed in their home.  When they lived near us all the get-togethers were at our house including this couple and their parents.  I once asked my husband if his sister had two broken arms?  This has become a constant.  They travel all over the place to dog shows (and stay in hotels while doing so) and vacation in their RV for three months at a time.  If you can't afford a hotel - do not plan a "visit".  My husband said yes, of course, and when I objected to being an on-call B&B told me it was his house too.  UGH!!

I should add they have other friends in the area that they wish to visit since not all of us can pick up and move to Florida or elsewhere.

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       Well, I hate to say it but it your husban's home too and this is his sister and a 2 night visit with 2 weeks notice really is not unreasonable.  I understand that you are still upset about the other thing which you handled.  That's over.  If your husband wants them to come for the 2 days, I don't think you have choice but you can dictate the terms of the visit.  You should call and say, "we'd love to have you for the TWO days but we are busy with projects and caring for my mother, so you will have to shop and cook and clean up after yourselves".   

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@chrystaltree ... Just to clarify, this is not my husband's sister. This is my late brother's wife (my SIL). My husband does not want them here at this time either. We have enough on our plate right now. As I said, I told them that two of them would be welcome this summer. We cannot put up with four extra adults and a dog. It is way too much work, and it would really cause my mother a lot of confusion.

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So then actually your mother is her former mother in law.  And yet, she has no concern about your mother's condition and how her visit would disrupt it.  Somehow that makes her demand even more selfish.  Continue to say no. 

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@Isobel Archer ... She wanted to rush out to see us because she was afraid my mother would get too bad to remember her and the great grandchildren if she waited more than a month or so. My SIL is actually very sweet and highly educated, but she has no common sense. I told her that my mother has been dealing with "forgetfulness" for 10 years. Things don't advance that rapidly just because you finally put a name to the condition.

She had good intentions, but wasn't thinking about how stressed we all are trying to learn about this condition and how much extra work 4 additional adults and a dog would be.

[Hayfield]

Yardie--Bravo to you!!!!! I don't visit people often but when I do it's never for more than a day or two and if it is two days, one of those days we are taking our hosts out to dinner and picking up the tab.  I also always bring a gift too.  I never invite myself, the close friends we have always tell us that "we're welcome to come & visit" but I think I'm told that because I rarely take them up on it and I don't mooch when I do.  A dog!!!! are you kidding me!!!!!!!!   I have a friend who owns a condo in the Orlando area and they only use it January through March and have told me several time,  that I could use it, when they're not there, any time I want to, free, they don't rent it out, they want people to use it but I'm really hesitant to use it, maybe someday I will at least once since she's always telling me I can use it.  In fact last year she made a comment to me that made me think she was upset that I haven't taken her up on it yet, she's owned it for about 5 years now.  Go figure! Let's face it family can be a pain sometimes, they think they can take advantage because they're family.  

[Yardlie]

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@chickenbutt wrote:

Yeah, it's one thing to say 'We'll be in town on xx date/week.  Would you like to get together?'.  

But to invite yourself, AND THEN bring a bunch more people and a dog too (!), to stay at your house, is just so far beyond anything socially acceptable to me.

I would probably be so flabbergasted that it would take me a minute to come up with a coherent response.  hehe  

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@chickenbutt ... It took me a minute also to think of a response because I was so shocked by her self-invitation. I'm usually not the most assertive person in the world, but asking this (especially now) was just too much.

[Yardlie]

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@fluffysmom wrote:

Yardlie,

My Mom suffered with Alzhiemers and like you we kept her with us. On a good day it is beyond difficult. You shouldn't have to explain yourself to anyone.  My Dad had Vascular Dementia at the same time so we had two to care for . I hope you take care of yourself, caretakers often burn out.  We sometimes hired LPNs independently so we could sleep. I know it is tough but also rewarding .My parents parted 31 days apart and I am so glad we made the choice we did . My husband was heroic and wouldn't have done it any other way. I'm sending you a hug. You are a good daughter.

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@fluffysmom I'm so sorry to hear about your mom and dad. I cannot imagine having two adults living with us who both have some form of dementia. You and your husband must be amazing people.