Of All Times...
1. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing, the other one whips out his cell phone and calls 911. "I think my friend is dead." he yells, "What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. First let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
2. A turtle crosses the road when he's mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him "What happened?" The shaken turtle replies, "I don't know. It all happened so fast."
3. A car hit an elderly man - the paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
4. Man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, "How long have you been wearing that bra?"
The friend replies, "Ever since my wife found it in the golf compartment."
5. The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.
Dean Martin
6. I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.
Steve Wright
7. "I like an escalator because an escalator can never break down. It can only become stairs.
Mitch Heding
8. "What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
Phyliss Diller
9. A man is struggling to find a parking space. "Lord, he prays, "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday. Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says, "Never mind, I just found one."
10. I don't want to achieve immortality immediately through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.
Woody Allen
11. Doctor: I'm sorry, but you suffer a terminal illness and have only ten months to
live.
Patient: "What do you mean, 10 weeks, months?
Doctor: "Nine."
12. Two men were driving home one night when one asked the other to check if the cars indicators were working. He promptly sticks his head out the window and says, Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.
13. I'm sorry "and" I apologize mean the same thing. Except at a funeral. Demetri Martin
14. A guy walks into the dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth." The dentist replies, "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist." The guy replies, "I'm seeing a psychiatrist. The dentist says, "Well then what are you doing here?" and the the guy says, "Your light was on."
15. A mother asks her young sons what they want for breakfast. The first little boy says, "I'll have @#%^& pancakes!" The mother angrily sends him to his room for cursing. She glares at the other little boy and asks, "What do you want for breakfast?" The second little boy says, Well, I sure don't want the
@#%^& pancakes."
16. "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let's make this interesting.", so we stopped playing chess... Matt Kirshen
17. A man comes to Mrs. Smith door and says, "There's been an accident at the brewery. Your husband fell into a vat of beer and drowned. Mrs. Smith wails, "Oh, the poor man. He never had a chance." The man says, "I don't know about that. He got out three times to go to the bathroom.
18. When I read about the evil of drinking, I gave up reading. Henny Youngman
19. "When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That's why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.
20. My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brother's surprise birthday party. That's when I realized he was her favorite twin.
Submitted by Terry Sangster
Reader's Digest
Compiled by Andy Simons
RD.com and Robert Liwang
read by Reader Digest .ca
The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam
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