READY FOR A FEW LAUGHS?

Lindsays Grandma · ‎03-10-2010

1. Went to see the doctor last week, he gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him. Today the judge gave me 20 years, problem solved.

2. I'll never forget my grandad's last words. "Are you holding that ladder properly?"

3. I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, ask the guy who runs the place, "Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies?" He smiles and says, "Try the ATM in the lobby."

4. Why is it when an old person comes up to me at a wedding and says, "You're next" it's somehow socially accepted but when I do the same to them at a funeral I get into trouble?

5. Diet Day: I just removed all the fattening food from my house, it was delicious.

6. Why is it that good people are always the ones who get screwed over? The other day I gave my seat to an old lady on the bus and then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.

7. Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other, "I need you to help me get to the other side." The other guy replies, "You're on the other side."

8. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

9. What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I'm dressing.

10. A guy goes to a pet store to buy a goldfish. The salesman asks him, "Do you want an aquarium?" The guy responds, "I don't care what star sign it is."

The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam