Community Chat

[SUHsE]

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@LilacTree wrote:

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@Nomorebirthdays wrote:

I wont be critical of your decision. I would love to cut way back, but my one sister and mom won't hear to it. At Christmas we exchange with 19 people, some I only see 3 or 4 times a year,  adult nieces, nephews, great nieces and nephews, it's ridiculous. But they throw a fit if I mention it. I really hate to shop and no one needs a thing. They continue to think we will have a Waltons mountain Christmas when in fact some of do not even like each other. I think Christmas is for the kids. I too have decided after my mom passes this will stop, Kids only.

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@Nomorebirthdays

I don't have any little kids anymore.  My youngest granddaughter is 14 . . . and she doesn't like anything! 

You buy for 19 people?  My goodness!!  That's one thing my beloved sister and I settled a long, long time ago, as we have a large family.  We pledged to buy just for our own kids.  Now there are over 40 in our extended family.  Can you imagine??  Who could afford that?

But again, I will say with me it's not the money.  It's wasted money maybe, but that is not my point these days.  I just like to please my loved ones, and if I'm not, then it's time to stop.

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For what it's worth, it's almost impossible, to shop for teenagers.

I don't really hold it against them. I'm pretty sure most of us, were the same way. Teens have their own tastes, for sure!

[jubilant]

I think if it were me, and I wanted to give a gift, I would give them a gas card, a gift card for their favorite eating place, or Starbucks....something along that order.  If they didn't at least say , "thank you", then, like you said, Lilac.....hugs and kisses!

[Nomorebirthdays]

@Caligurll. Me too, I hoard the stuff. 

[LilacTree]

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@Mominohio wrote:

I completely understand OP. I think that while I love to give gifts, I'm finding little appreciation for a lot of my hard work and effort from several people, so I have trimmed WAY back as well. And I consider myself a really good gift giver. I listen and know exactly what to give, or I don't do it at all. I'm not one for giving 'generic' gifts to those in my life.

I will say, in defense of those you are gifting to, that maybe they don't want so many things, but don't want to hurt your feelings and tell you so. I have had this happen with my own mother. A gifting event is approaching (like birthday, Christmas, etc.) and my mom starts to ask me (repeatedly) several months in advance what I want. I always tell her when I come up with an idea, I'll let her know and I usually try to make it something from Q because that is really easy for her, she doesn't have to figure out how to get out and shop by herself now that she isn't driving. 

Well, she gets impatient, and starts buying things that I don't want or need. Even if I tell her something, she gets what I ask for, but thinks I need more, so buys things that are nice, but that I have no use for. I have even taken to telling her, "Oh isn't that pretty.......BUT I DON'T WANT IT!!" when we are out shopping or watching Q. It is to the point where just about every holiday, I have things she is buying for me that I simply want to stick straight into a donation box because I have way too much stuff, and flat out told her I didn't want a certain item, but I think she thinks I'm just being 'nice' and not wanting to ask for too much. When I say that I ONLY want a pizza pan for my birthday, or I really like the new flameless candle she got, but I don't want one, she isn't listening. 

We have even had long talks about not wanting to waste money buying things for each other, that we don't want or won't use. We have discussed and agreed it is ok to just know what we are buying for one another, to avoid over gifting, or buying something the other one really can't use. But still I get too many things, and several each holiday that I specifically said I didn't want/need when she asked me about them.

So maybe there have been some cues that certain members of your family have tried to tell you about either what you are gifting or how much you are giving, and you aren't hearing it either. At the very least, it sounds like a number of your family members have more things than they need or want, and I think maybe you and they will be happier if you give less. I know that is working for me in many instances these days.

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@Mominohio

I basically gave just one good gift to my daughters; to my grandchildren one good gift and one smaller item (I'm talking about Christmas).  I didn't gift my oldest grandson, who will be 30 this December, as I have only seen him twice since he was 15 and went to Delaware to live with his father, and half the time I don't know where he is.

I've never "over-gifted" as you indicate as, frankly, I can't afford that.  Next birthday coming up is in October.  She's my 14-year-old, the youngest.  I may give her money, but I've never done that before.  I don't know how I'll feel as her birthday approaches.

I can certainly understand from your post how the opposite can be a frustrating issue also.  I'm glad you have solved it.

[LilacTree]

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@NYC Susan wrote:

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@LilacTree wrote:

Odd this should come up today (in another thread).  I decided that was not the place for my thoughts today.  So I moved it.

Over the past few weeks I have decided I'm not buying any gifts anymore for anyone in my family, including my girls and my grandchildren.  No matter how hard I try, they wind up not liking it, not wearing it, never using it, etc.  It's not that it hurts my feelings . . . oh forget that . . . it hurts my feelings!

And I have even had them pick out something themselves and wind up not ever seeing it again.  My daughter's Christmas gift, an aromatherapy diffuser she had been saying she needed in her bedroom.  I don't see it anywhere, it's probably in a box in her closet.  I am done.  I have always been a huge gift giver . . . but no more.  A card, a "Happy Birthday," and a kiss and a hug.  That's it.

As always, when they need something (like my grandson needed a laptop for school), I am right there buying it for them.  Those are the only times they are getting something from me. WHEN THEY NEED IT, a specific thing.

No more, not for me anyway.  (I await the criticism, LOL.)

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No criticism from me.  I think that if giving gifts doesn't bring you pleasure, then you should stop.  I happen to enjoy giving gifts, but there are a few people I no longer buy for because it didn't seem to matter to them if I took the time to find and send things I thought they would like.

I still buy gifts for most of the people in my life - and often spontaneously for no particular occasion.  But if I felt the way that you do, I would seriously limit my list.  You need not apologize or feel badly about it.  This is a situation where you can completely do whatever you feel like doing!

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@NYC Susan

That's the thing!  It DOES give me pleasure.  At Christmastime, I would always sit there and watch everyone open their gifts before I opened mine, because I just loved the delight I would see on their faces.

I think Christmas loses a lot of appeal once the small children grow up.  Birthdays are still enjoyable though, much less work and each person should be able to enjoy their one special day.  We just do family birthdays now, no big parties anymore.  But we always have a good time.

[Hayfield]

My two children are 27 & 31 and unless they give me a list that's very specific, I don't usually buy them something since their taste is way different than mine. Any time they give the link to the websit and color & size of something they want, they always wear it.   I do exhchange gifts with a few close friends but we generally don't buy expensive gifts for each other.  My DH & I also go shopping together when it's our birthday or Xmas.  On our anniversary we usually go away together for a day or two.  

[pattypeep]

@LilacTree I stand up and applaud you !! I am in total agreement. My dh's family is large and we are constantly sent invitations and announcements to weddings, showers, anniversaries, babies, graduations. Never a thank you. With one nephew we received a baby shower announcement and almost on the same day, received a brief wedding gift thank you. I guess they thought they had a better chance of a baby gift if we were thanked for the wedding gift. Good grief. They are now divorced. I told my dh that enough is enough. There will be a card and that is all. I am so sorry for you @LilacTree. It is very disheartening to say the least.

[NYC Susan]

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@LilacTree wrote:

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@NYC Susan wrote:

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@LilacTree wrote:

Odd this should come up today (in another thread).  I decided that was not the place for my thoughts today.  So I moved it.

Over the past few weeks I have decided I'm not buying any gifts anymore for anyone in my family, including my girls and my grandchildren.  No matter how hard I try, they wind up not liking it, not wearing it, never using it, etc.  It's not that it hurts my feelings . . . oh forget that . . . it hurts my feelings!

And I have even had them pick out something themselves and wind up not ever seeing it again.  My daughter's Christmas gift, an aromatherapy diffuser she had been saying she needed in her bedroom.  I don't see it anywhere, it's probably in a box in her closet.  I am done.  I have always been a huge gift giver . . . but no more.  A card, a "Happy Birthday," and a kiss and a hug.  That's it.

As always, when they need something (like my grandson needed a laptop for school), I am right there buying it for them.  Those are the only times they are getting something from me. WHEN THEY NEED IT, a specific thing.

No more, not for me anyway.  (I await the criticism, LOL.)

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No criticism from me.  I think that if giving gifts doesn't bring you pleasure, then you should stop.  I happen to enjoy giving gifts, but there are a few people I no longer buy for because it didn't seem to matter to them if I took the time to find and send things I thought they would like.

I still buy gifts for most of the people in my life - and often spontaneously for no particular occasion.  But if I felt the way that you do, I would seriously limit my list.  You need not apologize or feel badly about it.  This is a situation where you can completely do whatever you feel like doing!

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@NYC Susan

That's the thing!  It DOES give me pleasure.  At Christmastime, I would always sit there and watch everyone open their gifts before I opened mine, because I just loved the delight I would see on their faces.

I think Christmas loses a lot of appeal once the small children grow up.  Birthdays are still enjoyable though, much less work and each person should be able to enjoy their one special day.  We just do family birthdays now, no big parties anymore.  But we always have a good time.

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Yes, I understand.  I don't get the feeling that you're one of those people who give gifts because they want to be thanked and praised.  But the pleasure you get from giving gifts seems to be overshadowed now.  So I just meant that you should do whatever you want. If you feel that what you give isn't used/appreciated, then I completely understand why you want to stop.

[AuntG]

Certainly your feelings are hurt and I like your way of dealing with gifts from now on.  

[Wannabeincali]

My mother in law felt this way a few years back, and so she decided to give everyone (all her kids, grandkids, etc) MONEY for Xmas and other holidays. She would put the money in a cute little gift box, and for me...that was the BEST gift! It allowed me to buy whatever I wanted or needed. To be honest, some years I ended up just putting the money towards my credit card bills to pay off things I had already purchased for myself.  

I understand your point of view. But to play Devil's Advocate, it is not a good feeling to feel obligated to wear or use something you were given as a gift, if you really do not like it, or if it does not suit your style, etc. That does not mean that the gift was not wonderful! it just means that maybe that person is not suited to that particular gift. Ex. My mother in law has excellent taste. She would give me a cashmere cardigan sweater and top "twinset" every year.....and always in a pastel color. Well, I am not a twinset kind of girl --- it's a bit too preppy. And I look horrible in pastel shades. But everytime she would visit, I felt "obligated" to scramble through my closet, pull the "set" out, and put it on.  I am sure she could see how "not me" it was, but maybe she didn't? Because every year, sure enough, I'd get another pastel, cashemere twin set. lol ......and yes, we DO get along really really well, so I know she was not trying to punish me. lol

Same story with my Dad. He would send me super expensive gifts for my Bday that I either already had (watches, a blender, a verrrrrry expensive food processor, etc). Then one year, he gave me a Nordstrom gift card! I was SO excited! Then, he gave me another one for Xmas! I had saved both, and was able to buy what I really wanted (but had not felt like spending so much on with my own money because it wasn't really something I 'needed", I just "wanted" it).  It was a luxury expense that I did not have to feel guillty about buying now. I was thrilled. 

It's your call on whether you want to give "gifts" or not in the future, but should you decide to give it another go.....consider giving money, or a gift card!