Community Chat

[RedTop]

@monicakm 

I send prayers of strength, as I am walking the same road with my 89 year old mother who is in end stage dementia.  Due to safety concerns, we moved mom into 24/7 care a month ago.  

Mom has not known any of us for over a year, and functions on the level of a toddler.  Staff has to feed her, as she has lost the knowledge of how to do that.  Speech is sporadic; she can rarely get more than 3-5 words out at a time.  

She refers to my brothers and their wives as her friends or nice neighbors who help her.  I am the only recipient of Moms anger; she goes from being excited and happy to see me, with hugs and kisses, to screaming,  choking, slapping, scratching, and throwing anything within her reach at me!  She has called me mom, sister, childhood friend, best friend from high school, and neighbor.  I never know who I am to her, and it's obvious I can be several different people to her in one brief visit!  

I have not visited Mom at the home and am not inclined to.  She is on multiple meds in order to play nice at the home, but with the way she has lashed out at me for 18 solid months now, I don't trust medication and do not want my visit to send her into the wild mode she has already shown to the staff and her roommate.  

I had a good relationship with my mother up until 18 months ago when her mental decline took a major dive.  I have already grieved the loss of my mother and know in my heart she is long gone.  I am committed to see that Mom receives the care she needs until she leaves this world, but have made peace with the loss of what I once had.  

[Greeneyedlady21]

@RedTop I'm truly sorry, that must be so painful for you.

[Roni18]

@monicakm @RedTop I am sending out prayers to you both.  My mother is also in the final stages of dementia.  Although she seems content now, it is very painful to watch her decline like this.  

[monicakm]

@tiny 2 

Thank you for your advice.  I haven't given my heart issue much thought.  My parents were in this dire situation when I had my heart attack and are declining daily.  This is a crazy time!  Yes, I had two stents but with all that I was confronted with when I got home, I didn't had the time or brain power to think about what is going on with me.  I will call my Dr tomorrow and let him know my family situation.  My daughter is handling things like the girl boss she is but I know she has to be close to the breaking point with her grandparents AND mom   I will have a 3rd stent in about a month or less.

[monicakm]

@RedTop 

Your story made me cry (still crying).  We are experiencing the exact same thing, only you're a few months ahead of me.  My heart goes out to you @RedTop .  My mom is 84 and dad is 89.  Dad's dementia started first and his demeanor is a happy/childlike one.  Mom's is quite the opposite.  I think she is on day 6 of not eating.  She is aware but chooses to ignore us.  I told my daughter she is sending a strong signal.  She's done.  I don't feel we should be trying to force her to eat.  She is spitting out protein shakes and making angry faces. My daughter can't/won't give up.  I understand and respect that but.  She has to do what she can live with when her granny is gone.  Dad is eating very little but drinking lots.  I can tell by the look in his eye that he doesn't know who I am.  Sometimes when I tell him, he seems to know and sometimes he pretends to know.  He's always loving tho.  They've been in an assisted living 13 months.  I asked my husband last night what it's like for both of one's parents to be gone.  He said I may think I'm ready for it, but I won't be. 

[monicakm]

@Roni18 

Oh no   I'm so sorry you're going thru the same thing.  You just never know what someone is going thru or having to deal with.  

Hugs to all who could use one right for whatever reason

[lynnie61]

My heart breaks for you ladies.  My dad moved to an independent living facility in September.  He seems ok there, but his stroke last year - he kept falling at home.  Although the place is considered independent living, vs assisted living, there are many there with walkers, canes and mobility issues.  His heart is broken since the Dr took his drivers license.  He totally thinks he is capable of driving, yet it's very hard for him to manage getting in a car or SUV.  He does seem somewhat better there, moving more vs just watching TV since coming home from the hospital in January. 

There is some decline in his state of mind.  I think he calls me sweetheart sometimes, because he may not always remember my name.  He is still kind, but some days really mad about the driving part.  It's the stroke dad, not your driving skills.  I try to visit a few times a week.  I have a sibling that helps and does most Dr appts, as they are retired (sister and BIL) and I still work full time.  I am very grateful for the help.  His lady friend for 18 years also moved to this place 5 months prior to dad.  So I'm happy for them to be together again, since neither of them drove this year.  

It is going to be very different when he passes.  My mom died in 2000.  

[RedTop]

@monicakm and others,

I admit to this being a very trying time, but in all honesty I have been preparing myself to be in this position since Mom was diagnosed 6+ years ago.  

From the very beginning, I suspected my mother would be a handful, and she has indeed been as angry and mean as I feared.  She made it clear she wanted to die in the house she and Dad built across the road, and my brothers and I went above and beyond to keep her there until this current stage.  

The mother I grew up with loved me unconditionally, and that feeling is secure in my heart.  Her actions towards me now are because of the dementia; this is what it is, and I will not get inside my head to overthink and personalize the situation.  

We have secured Moms house, and in doing so my brothers and I ran across little bundles with our names on it that at some point she prepared for us.  Just the sight of those bundles reinforces Moms love, and when the day comes for her to join my Dad and the others who are waiting for her, I will let her go with peace in my heart.   

[2sisters]

@monicakm @my heart just breaks for you.  I certainly pray you have peace.  Dementia is awful.  My DFIL was the most gentle and caring man but dementia took that away.  Just reading these posts you have so much on your plate so please take time for you and your health.  Thinking of you and saying a pray for you and your parents.   

[monicakm]

Thank you @2sisters   I was having trouble catching my breath today and "chest discomfort".  I called my heart surgeon's office as I didn't know if it was anxiety or heart related.  I do have anxiety from time to time (it's rare but I keep medication on hand).  I decided to take the medication and if I got better, I assumed it would be anxiety.  I got better.  It's a bit unnerving to be here alone.  I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I still have a clogged artery that has to be fixed next month.  Plus the issues with mom and dad.