Community Chat

[denisemb]

Would like some outside opinions on this issue that's been bothering me.

I have a SIL and a friend that never seem to initiate a call to me - I'm the one that always does the call. Haven't spoken to either for about a month because I'm starting to feel they just don't want to speak to me and/or don't want to "bother" them. 

Keep in mind we're all retired and with the Covid-19 have been shut-down and pretty much quarantined until recently.

The friend is local and we usually end up yakking for 45-60 minutes, friendly enough, talking about various subjects..  And it's not like I'm complaining to her (as much as everyone IS complaining about the shut-downs, etc.  LOL)  And I try to make jokes out of things.  ("My hair is getting sooo long, I'll be braiding it soon!")

My SIL is another story.  We live 1,000 + miles away and my older brother has been in a nursing home for 2 years, strokes and dementia.  She says...she has also been known to "stretch the truth" over the years.  But I had spoken to him by SIL's cellphone ("He can't reach HIS phone") maybe in Feb. & he knew who I was and asked about my husband by name.

Anyhow, I tried not to bother her too much as she was going to the nursing home often before Covid-19 so I'd call once a week to see how things were going.  And now that visitors are not allowed, I continued, sympathizing with her inability to visit and always asked how SHE'S doing even before I'd ask about my brother.  Even told her to call me, even if it were to "witch".  She seemed aloof, considering we were once very close.

So, am I paranoid and shouldn't be "keeping count" of who calls who?

Are some people "callers" and others not? As another friend suggested?  Although SIL did before.

Should I call, do my normal chat and finally ask, or just let it go as I've been doing?

Any viewpoints would be welcome and sorry this is so long.  Didn't even mention my sister's husband's brain tumor or my birthday...

Thanks in advance.

[Sooner]

If the relationships are worth it to you, keep up the calls and if not, let them drop.  You can't know what others think  or why they do things, so do what you feel like in this case and see what happens.

Then go from there.

[SouthernBee]

@denisemb : I totally understand your situation and how you feel. I only have a few cousins and all other family deceased. Just me and DH. I have two cousins and we grew up on the same street. After we all became adults they knew that I was handicapped and had only one brother. I supported two cousins over the years with all holidays, special occasions and nice gifts. I always initiated  all contacts etc. However, when I called they were too busy to talk yet never tried to call back, but never too busy when they wanted birthday gifts or whatever occasion. I notified them in 2016 when my brother died- no effort to come see me or do anything. Or tried to call me. Few months later made attempts to get with them- didn't tell them but intended to give them the deed to the family cemetery spaces since DH and I had made other arrangements, but indicated we should  update family information.We wanted to take them out to a nice place to eat and then give them the deed. They were to busy but didn't try to call me. I never made contact again and still haven't heard from them. Our lawyer voided the papers we had made for transfer of the deed. Our will rewritten with other instructions for said property. Probably will never hear from them until one of their family members passes away. I am hurt but thankful that I have my precious DH.

[denisemb]

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@Sooner wrote:

If the relationships are worth it to you, keep up the calls and if not, let them drop.  You can't know what others think  or why they do things, so do what you feel like in this case and see what happens.

Then go from there.

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Polite, succinct, logical and pretty much what I've been doing.  Guess I just needed a boost.

Thanks so much. {hug}

[denisemb]

@SouthernBee 

Man, my heart aches for you.  To trust that loved ones will respond in kind is a special sort of heartbreak.

I, too, will concentrate on my DH and special relatives:  best sister in the world and two exceptional nieces.

Take care.  Many thanks for making me feel less alone.

[SouthernBee]

@denisemb : Probably shared to much info but wanted to let you know we all have situations that are difficult to deal with .And  after you deal with it  for so many years decide that something has to change. We can't change people, friends or relatives but we can make necessary changes for a happy and peaceful life for us. Mother taught me that family is special and make every thing possible to stay in touch and I tried.  No one is guaranteed tomorrow but I want my days to be positive   and enjoyable. Blessings for you and everyone.❤️Southern Bee

[CalminHeart]

Who knows how the shut-in has affected each person.  Keep the calls going.   Be compassionate and don't judge.  What's going on doesn't always show on the outside or in words.  You also want to keep in touch with your brother.

[Mimi 1883]

If I don't want to talk to someone, I don't call. Doesn't really matter, as she will call me every week to ten days. If I don't answer, she will text or email. As for everyone else, we call/text/email regularly.

It seems they're making a point by not calling you?? IDK  Sadly, some people only know you (anyone) if and when they need something. You said that you told each of them to call you - even it's to complain about something, and they're still not complying, so...

Then again, sometimes people change and may not be talkative as they once were. I would just call to check-in maybe once a month. That's about all you can do.

[Mom2Dogs]

@denisemb   I think this is more common than we think.  I too have that same problem with a cousin (we were close). Also I have this issue with a friend that lives far away.  How hard can it be to just touch base?  Even if a person is busy and does not want to 'talk' an email would work and would be appreciated.

I won't contact my cousin again, although it does pain me but obviously it's not important to her or she would engage more often.

I am not close with my family, except one sibling so keeping in touch is important to me.

Your situation is different from mine as you want to hear about your brother, I think it is unkind of her not to keep you in the loop.

[NicksmomESQ]

@denisemb  I feel your pain. I too have friends & family who never initiate a phone call.You have to ask yourself how important the relationship is.If it isn't you may want to let it go.

   In the case of your brother,you care about him & want to know how's he's doing. I would continue to call sil for updates.If you feel comfortable I would also ask her if anything was wrong to attempt to clear the air.

  Good luck!!