Community Chat

[mimibarb]

I have had the same problem for years with my 2 brothers, I am the oldest 72 and my middle brother is 61 not married lives alone partially disabled doesn't work,and my youngest brother is 60 married still works although not now with CoVid. My mother passed away 3 years ago at 93 my middle brother lived with her until she had to go into a care center so we sold her house (it was old  needed lot of work)and he had to move from the house he lived in for almost 60 years he became very depressed about my mother passing and having to leave the house, so I have to call him he very rarely calls me. He says he knows he should call but he never does. I said to him if something happened to me you would never know  if I was dead or alive,thank goodness I have my family.

My youngest brother 60 calls occasionally mostly when it concerns something he needs an answer to, and my sister in law never calls either. I am not a phone person but I would like to hear from my brothers once in a while just to find out how everyone's doing it seems like it's too much trouble to pick up the phone and call, I'm tired of always being the one that calls.

I guess I will continue to call them because I care about them, but it still bothers me that they don't call, so don't feel bad, it seems to be a more common problem then we think.

[Mominohio]

I think several things might be at play here or in instances similar for others.

First, the world in upside down for many people, especially older people who are shut in and shut off from so much. They aren't always themselves right now, with pressure from life's regular issues (like your SIL and husband's health) compounded and made worse by current events. So I have learned not to expect them to be the same. I actually would see this with some of my 80 years plus relative in good times. They get very much into routine, and don't dare break it, as well as get more hopeless feeling about the world events when things are going bad, and just don't cope well, so isolate more.

I also have learned, and don't like it much, that people of all ages are now communicating differently. It isn't just younger folks who don't want to talk on the phone anymore. So many people my age, who grew up and had a full adult life experience without all this technology, have embraced (or more like succumbed to) it, and find talking on the phone, answering the phone, to  be too restricting and interrupting. They prefer to communicate through social media or texting and stay it touch that way, where it is less demanding, you participate when you want to, not when someone else is on the phone, wanting you to. 

And lastly, I have learned that relationships change. It's not always you, or any one thing in particular, but people move on. Even people you were once very close to, even people you have had in your life for many years. Circumstances change, they change, you change, and people drift out of our lives whether we want them to or not. I have experienced that many times. Nothing is really wrong, no one is upset or at fault, but people just move on.

I'm sorry these once strong relationships seem hollow for you now, I know how disappointing it can be. My advice would be if those people matter enough to you, keep trying, but only on a very seldom basis. As for your SIL, she would be the one I would work at harder, because she does have a lot on her plate, and I'm sure life isn't easy for her right now. If it were me, she'd get the most understanding I could muster for her sake, and for yours, to keep connected to your brother and the news about him. 

What you are experiencing has most likely nothing to do with you, and know it isn't unique to you either, it just happens as life continues on. Best wishes that everyone gets back to some normalcy and connects more deeply in the future.

[LindaSal]

@denisemb  I totally get it.  I feel if it were my brother though, I would just bypass her and call the facility where he is and ask them to assist him at a certain time of day to be able to have his phone nearby so you can call him directly.   It is a shame how some people are but we all have something like that going on with someone.........Some days I feel like I have no real friends, same thing no birthday calls when I never forget theirs.  

I usually get over it pretty quick though.  I realize that the people who are most important to me I want to keep in my life, but only those people.  

[vsm]

Your SIL should be keeping you updated on your brother, but if she's caring for him, she probably doesn't have 45-60 minutes to yak with you, and wants to spare your brother, too.  Try calling her and starting the conversation with, "I know you're busy but I just wanted a quick update on how you and my brother are doing."  That shows respect for her and for her time.

[Sooner]

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@denisemb wrote:

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@Sooner wrote:

If the relationships are worth it to you, keep up the calls and if not, let them drop.  You can't know what others think  or why they do things, so do what you feel like in this case and see what happens.

Then go from there.

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Polite, succinct, logical and pretty much what I've been doing.  Guess I just needed a boost.

Thanks so much. {hug}

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@denisemb I'm old and at this point in my advanced life, I have been there, done that and don't know what else to tell 'ya!  It's either that or it becomes a hobby!  

[noodleann]

I'd call the facility where your brother is living and see if they'll give you updates on him. If you have to get that approved by the SIL, I'd call her for that reason. Otherwise, I wouldn't bother her, since she was "aloof" in your last call. If she wants to talk, she'll call you.

Similarly, I'd leave the friend to contact you if she wants to talk.

Relationships change. If people want to talk, they'll most likely reach out. There's clearly a cost to you to doing all the initiating, so stop doing it. If they don't contact you, leave them be.

[CelticCrafter]

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@noodleann wrote:

I'd call the facility where your brother is living and see if they'll give you updates on him. If you have to get that approved by the SIL, I'd call her for that reason. Otherwise, I wouldn't bother her, since she was "aloof" in your last call. If she wants to talk, she'll call you.

Similarly, I'd leave the friend to contact you if she wants to talk.

Relationships change. If people want to talk, they'll most likely reach out. There's clearly a cost to you to doing all the initiating, so stop doing it. If they don't contact you, leave them be.

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Not allowed due to HIPAA regulations unless the facility has a signed form.

[noodleann]

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@CelticCrafter wrote:

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@noodleann wrote:

I'd call the facility where your brother is living and see if they'll give you updates on him. If you have to get that approved by the SIL, I'd call her for that reason. Otherwise, I wouldn't bother her, since she was "aloof" in your last call. If she wants to talk, she'll call you.

Similarly, I'd leave the friend to contact you if she wants to talk.

Relationships change. If people want to talk, they'll most likely reach out. There's clearly a cost to you to doing all the initiating, so stop doing it. If they don't contact you, leave them be.

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Not allowed due to HIPAA regulations unless the facility has a signed form.

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HIPAA is honored more in the breach than the observance. I suggested the OP call the facility. They can inform her of their requirements. They could also fill out a form, if that's required, which the SIL could sign. In my experience, a code word is established and used by the non-primary for phone updates.

If that's not her reason for calling the SIL, then it's beside the point.

I was called and emailed by someone I no longer wanted to deal with, and I feel that silence should be respected as its own message. My former friend took a year to accept that I wasn't going to respond to her. The OP's situation is different, but if someone isn't contacting you and is "aloof" when you call, I'd take that as an indication that the person didn't want to speak to you. I had that experience with a relative, and stopping the overtures was the right thing to do.

[suzyQ3]

I've been thinking about this very issue, although mine is with a couple friends instead of relatives.

I'm also not a phone person. And selfishly, I do prefer to make a call rather then receive it; it's just a dumb control thing that has to do with being able to pick my time.

One of these friends (both from childhood) I recently reconnected with. Truth be told, we've not always had the best relationship, and I can tell that she hasn't changed much. But she does stay connected. She will text and call regularly. When I return her call, the conversation just doesn't flow. It's almost as if she did her duty or something. I don't initiate calls, and I think she might be hurt by that now. I feel bad, but I honestly have little in common with her.

The other friend's situations is so sad at this point, much of it brought on by her and probably her mental state. I feel so bad for here, but she is often so "out there" that the talks are almost impossible. I do try, though, because she has been in my life since we were six years old. I just can't let her down.

So it certainly isn't an issue just with family.

[cotton4me]

I had a friendship like that.  We were close at one time.  Our lives evolved and over time I realized I was the only one making all the calls.  I stopped calling to see what would happen.  She called me once every six months like clockwork.  I think some people don’t want to talk often, if at all.  There are times I feel that way myself. 

I’m not normally one to initiate phone calls.  Perhaps it’s because of my introverted nature.  Now that we’re in the age of texting I prefer that.  I feel like it doesn’t intrude on people’s time.  They can respond when it’s best for them.  My husband is in a nursing home so I empathize with others who are dealing with that.  I give updates to family members through texts which I know they appreciate.  However, even with that, weeks can go by because there is no change or updates.