Community Chat

[PIT-HAG Melissa]

On 2/17/2015 Irshgrl31201 said:

On 2/17/2015 terrier3 said:

On 2/17/2015 Irshgrl31201 said:

I agree that a relationship with moms is different. More special and I am not necessarily talking about this OP because it doesn't sound like she is constantly berating her. I am talking about a mother who on a constant basis, has no respect for her children and treats them poorly. You may not be able to do "training" with your mom but you can absolutely determine how much abuse you would or would not take. I have read some of the stories about your mom and I know a lot of what she did happened because she was sick and had an addiction problem. I know that had to be hard for you. I personally would not allow my mother to treat me that way. I am not a person to throw my family away or take them for granted at all. If you have read my post here you will know that my family is the MOST important thing to me in my life. PERIOD. However, if I had a mom that felt she could say or do anything to me and I should just let it go, we would have no relationship at all. I don't go by the theory that, well, your mom will die someday so you should be nice to her and you will miss her when she is gone. I don't believe in that at all. If my mom cannot act in a manner that is respectful and loving (with normal family disagreements and arguments) then I wouldn't want to be close to her at all. I know many people who have cut family out of their lives because they were more of a heart ache and detriment to them and they are absolutely happier and live with no regret. I don't get the concept of "she is your mom you must keep her in your life at all costs". That is a dangerous concept and one reason why people have such problems because they don't know when to kick a toxic person out of their lives.

My mom was a terror.

I had a choice - move to another state and cut off contact (like my sister did) - move to another state and leave no forwarding address (like my father did) or stay and help her out.

I chose the last option and I'm glad I did.

I realize it's not for everyone.

In general, I wouldn't let a word spoken in anger affect me to the point of cutting off my mother. I just don't let anyone have that much power over my emotions. I try to look for their reasons behind the words...accept them and move on.

I don't let anyone have that power over me either. But I would chose not to have them in my life. There is nothing wrong with that at all, as a matter of face mental health professionals recommend getting rid of toxic people. I would not have a problem doing that at all IF my mother treated me in some of the ways listed here. I don't understand putting up with a terror regardless if we are blood or not. Of course I would give blood probably a lot more chances than I would someone off the street or a friend but life IS too short to spend it with someone like that. Is it sad to leave a mom alone? Yes, but her attitude would be the deciding factor in me choosing to cut her off. She would only have herself to blame. Why would I waste my precious time here on earth to spend it with someone who is mean, rude and disrespectful when there are so many wonderful people who aren't? Just because they are my mom? No, just being a biological mother doesn't mean you can say or do anything and you will still have a loyal daughter. You have to be loyal too.

GREAT response!

[Irshgrl31201]

On 2/17/2015 reese2 said:

Terrier, I understand what you're saying, but I also agree with others that there is a point when you sometimes have to make a stand.

I had an extremely rocky relationship with my mother for most of my life. As a child, I never understood most of what she said or did with my sister and me.

It carried over into my adult life until I realized that I was allowing my sons to see me being mistreated by their grandmother, and it had to stop. How could I teach them that it was ok for her to do it, but not them or anyone else?

I finally confronted my mother when it was just the two of us. She actually seemed to be surprised by what I said to her. In the end, I pushed aside as much of the hurt as I could, but if I'm being honest with myself, I've never let it completely go.

I agree that a mother and child relationship is a whole different dynamic, but respect is respect, especially self-respect. I'll never allow anyone else to erode even a small part of mine again.

I think you make an excellent point. You had a responsibility to your sons who learn behavior and what they will accept from you.

I am sorry to hear you went through that. I think you made the right decision to not let anyone else erode even the smallest piece of you.

[ROMARY]

I'd let sleeping (or barking) dogs lie. As long as O/P isn't living with mom, I'd just forget about it. Not worth it, dragging this all out over a couple of old, non-sentimental wedding dresses. There are worse things that happen in a lifetime. As long as everyone concerned is healthy and safe.

[ROMARY]

p.s.: Oh, I forgot to mention that new meds or even present meds that have outrun their original purpose can possibly bring on agitation and aggressiveness. I've seen and heard it happen with a few 50 year olds. Just a thought.

[terrier3]

On 2/17/2015 ROMARY 1 said:

I'd let sleeping (or barking) dogs lie. As long as O/P isn't living with mom, I'd just forget about it. Not worth it, dragging this all out over a couple of old, non-sentimental wedding dresses. There are worse things that happen in a lifetime. As long as everyone concerned is healthy and safe.

Amen!

[kdgn]

On 2/17/2015 Irshgrl31201 said:

IF this was a one time thing or out of place for the mom, I would agree. If I had a mom who talked to me and treated me like this on a regular basis we would have a very limited relationship.

If I have to have a relationship with someone that I have to change my reactions to them and be prepared to not let them push my buttons, this is a relationship I would just rather not have. I am a firm believer that just because they are your family doesn't mean you have to put up with behavior like this. I know many people who no longer speak to family members because they are toxic and added more difficulty and pain in their lives than they were worth.

I am not saying this is the case with the OP. I have no idea.

From the OP:

Mom has always "Made up her mind" and gotten her way about most things. Everyone's take has always been "that's your mother".

I think this may well have been the OP's first experience with what others may have gone along with in the past. It isn't pleasant. Mom is domineering, she probably was angry that she wasn't initially consulted over the disposition of the dresses. Tough luck, mom. You wanted them out of the house, we took care of it and where they went wasn't your decision.

I also suspect the tone of voice mom used when calling the OP a "b" plays into it too. It can be done with a lot of nastiness that isn't easily forgiven.

Set your boundaries. Abuse is abuse. This could well be the beginning for you if things don't always go your mom's way. Why you are the target when it was a joint decision with your sister is a puzzle. Or she could be entering a stage of dementia where being rational goes out the window.

Since the dresses have been removed from the house and are being put to a good cause, I personally would wait a reasonable amount of time for an apology. If it doesn't come then only you can decide how to proceed.

[PIT-HAG Melissa]

On 2/17/2015 kdgn said:

Set your boundaries. Abuse is abuse. This could well be the beginning for you if things don't always go your mom's way. Why you are the target when it was a joint decision with your sister is a puzzle. Or she could be entering a stage of dementia where being rational goes out the window.

Since the dresses have been removed from the house and are being put to a good cause, I personally would wait a reasonable amount of time for an apology. If it doesn't come then only you can decide how to proceed.

This!!

[straykatz]

Let your mother know the word was hurtful...if an aplogy comes out of it then accept it...if no apology comes out of it then accept that too.

[esmeraldagooch]

On 2/17/2015 Buck-i-Nana said:

You have to decide if expecting/demanding an apology is worth the possible outcome. If your Mom doesn't feel an apology is necessary, or if your Mom never initiates the first contact since this event, are you willing and able to live with the consequence of never talking to her again. Odds are that your Mom is going to die long before you, and you will be left to live with the results of your decision here. Only you know how you will react if you demand an apology you may never get and then live with that after she is gone and you can never regain all the lost possible moments.

I totally disagree with this. After counseling and reading Dr Wayne Dyers books I finally got the strength to stop the abuse before my mother passed and she did stop. When she died unexpectedly the fact I had stood up and stopped the abuse was the best thing I have done for ME in my life. If I had NOT done it I would have deep regret over this forever.

I would never ask someone to apologize about anything. If you have to ask, the response is not heartfelt and genuine even if they do it.

As for the dresses, I would leave them with her, never mentioning them again. After she's dead take them and do with them as you will. Obviously she knows now they are a trigger point and by not mentioning them again, takes away that power from her. Don't choose to be her pawn.

[muttmom]

Mom has always "Made up her mind" and gotten her way about most things. Everyone's take has always been "that's your mother". Yet I've never had my mother call me a B. I'm finding that this is something that most people cannot relate to...and it's why i'm posting here. Mom is not senile, no dementia. I do not believe anyone around me has had this happen to them, and I'm just not sure how to address it.

If this is the case it would appear you are reacting to the fact she called you a "B". You are an adult and can either address this or ignore it.Only you can decide which is you will do.