Community Chat

[Felixfan]

Backstory-

I live in VA, folks/fam in NY. I'm 44, sis 43. Months ago, my mom asked my sis and I what we wanted to do with our wedding dresses. We had them stored in a closet of hers, and unfortunately have both moved on to new, better marriages. I'm sure they take up a lot of room, and given that we both FAILED in the marriage dept. the first time - they need to find a home. All parties were fine with that. We discussed consignment, donations, etc. My parents were genuinely not interested in getting money out of it, and neither were we.

Well I looked around and found a great cause, Angel Gowns. They dismantle donated gowns and make last outfits to provide to families who have babies that don't survive. An unimaginable thought, and having friends who have lost children it feels like the right thing to do.

Contacted the chapter where my parents live. They have folks all over that donate time to sew, and there is a woman who lives an hour away who does this. She suggested meeting half way to pick up the dresses, instead of trying to mail these dresses (no easy feat, nor cheap). I spoke to my sis at LENGTH - who now wanted to donate hers as well. Sis said it was no problem to meet the woman halfway. 2 weeks prior I called Mom to see where the dresses were - if they needed to be "found", dug out, whatever. She said no - easily accessible. Told her our plan...fine. Done. I fill out necessary donation forms, blah blah - this is easily all arranged and done. My sis also obtained a 3rd dress from a friend at work who wanted to donate.

So, Thursday prior to the drop off date mom calls ME at 9:15pm, asks "who are you giving these dresses to?" - total attack mode. Not really knowing where she's coming from, I tell her. "Where is sis meeting them?"...uh, 1/2 hr away?

Mom:"NO - SHE IS NOT GOING".

So I'm like - WHY are you calling yelling at me about this??? Why? She goes on to rant that the 1/2 drive is 2 hours away (uh, nope -it's not) and that Sister FEELS SO AWFUL. ? She says she will mail them. Ok. SO I ask her, let me talk to sis about it then, SINCE SHE IS GROWN AND IS DOING THE DRIVING....and Mom starts flipping out. So, incorrectly - but to get to the matter of all this - I ask her if she would prefer we sell the dresses and give her the money? Is this what it is about? She said no (and I know she doesn't...and KNEW that was not what it was about)...so fine, we agreed on that. SO I then said repeatedly that she was coming at me very wrong and that we should talk about this tomorrow. Of course "NO - We will talk about it NOW", and that she "Is doing us a favor" and that sis is NOT driving them.

Well no, two weeks ago would have been the time to offer the "favor". This is not kindness, this is a need to control something that she has NOTHING to do with other than to point to the closet the dang dresses are in. So this all ended with her calling me a b*t*h (oh yes) and essentially hanging up on me.

Mom has always "Made up her mind" and gotten her way about most things. Everyone's take has always been "that's your mother". Yet I've never had my mother call me a B. I'm finding that this is something that most people cannot relate to...and it's why i'm posting here. Mom is not senile, no dementia. I do not believe anyone around me has had this happen to them, and I'm just not sure how to address it.

I feel I need an apology, so have not called her. I don't even want to.

Thanks in advance for listening.

[terrier3]

I supported my mom, so she could stay in her home. My son lived with her when he was in college, to protect her and look out for her.

She got in a disagreement with me over something petty and called me a "useless piece of s..."

A few weeks later, she had to be hospitalized (kidney failure) and died after 3 weeks in ICU.

I didn't even cry that day...she insulted me on a regular basis and I was used to her insults.

I'm glad now I didn't make a big deal out of it - she probably wasn't feeling well and didn't want to say anything.

Let your mom's insults roll off your back too - you are an adult now - no need to get hypersensitive about it.

You'll feel better in the long run not to make a big deal out of it.

Life is too short!

[croemer]

Well I can see why you are upset. Now I wonder what is REALLY bothering your Mom? Why would she make the decision for your sister as well about driving the 1/2 hour. Have you spoken to your sister? If this continues I would leave it in her closet and let her deal with it...since you tried. Too bad you really were doing a good deed...so sad.

[YorkieonmyPillow]

Felixfan, don't get sucked into the drama. Your mother has no business calling you a B or insulting you in any way. Apparently this behavior is keeping in line with her previous behavior, so it's not due to illness.

I would forget about it and go on with my own life. I would let the bouncing ball stay in mom's court, i.e., I would wait for HER to call ME and apologize. In the meantime, enjoy your fabulous self.

I have experience with this sort of thing.

[esmeraldagooch]

Dr. Henry Cloud book---- Boundaries.

Wayne Dyer---- Pulling your own strings.

You can choose to be abused or choose to make it stop. It's YOUR choice.

I chose to make it stop and gained strength though these words. Both the Pulling your own strings and Your Erroneous Zones are some of the best self help books out there. Once you get your sea legs under you, it will never happen to you again.

[JuJu Squeezie]

Mom owes you an apology, maybe a few. I hate to quote Doc Phil but...do you want to be right or fight? You can't change Mom but you can change taking this abuse from her. Everyone seems to be afraid to challenge Mom's behavior and I get why but I hope you will not let anyone with the power to hurt you call you a B. Let her stew in her own juices for a while.

[ROMARY]

Next time, don't explain anything. Just tell your mom that you'll be picking up the dresses to put into your own closets, and then do what you want with them. Or, don't tell her ahead of time, just go there and pick up the dresses. I used to be an 'explainer', which sometimes gets folks into thinkin' too much.........Don't let this bother you, BTW. Sometimes older folks who aren't feeling well to begin will say things that they don't really mean if they were feeling better or more busy with other things in their lives. .... EDITED to add: Just 'drop it', forget about the situation, the dresses, etc. Not worth fighting over, for sure. There are worse things in life......

[nun ya]

I'd also let her continue to store the dresses. Sounds like she didn't want rid of them bad enough.

[ROMARY]

nunya: Yes, just maybe mom paid for the dresses, and figured out something better to do with them? Or, maybe she just likes keeping them in her closets. I'd drop the entire thing and never mention it again. But that's just me......

[PIT-HAG Melissa]

YOU should not do anything except ignore her until she is ready to SINCERELY apologize! PERIOD!