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Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,672
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

+   Never give up your seat to a lady.  That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

 

+   Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

 

+   Never answer an anonymous letter.

 

+   Never keep up with the Jone's.  Drag them down to your level.  It's cheaper.

 

+   Never get annoyed if your neighbor plays music at 2 a.m.  Call him at four and tell him how much you enjoyed it.   

 

A Patient tells a

psychiatrist that he's convinced there's somebody living under his bed.  "Visit me for three days a week at $300 a visit, and you'll be cured, the psychiatrist assures him.  The price tag is a little rich for the patient, so he says he'll think about it.  Six months later, the two meet on the street.  "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" asks the psychiatrist.  "Because a bartender cured me for $10."  "How?"  "He told me to cut the legs off the bed."

 

 

              There is light at the end of the tunnel.

                which hopefully is not a freight train.

 

                         

 

 

The moving finger writes; And having writ, Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line Nor all your Tears Wash out a Word of it. Omar Khayam
Super Contributor
Posts: 321
Registered: ‎09-18-2019

LOL! Very funny, I like the one about the Jones..

Super Contributor
Posts: 306
Registered: ‎10-31-2019

@Lindsays Grandma keep 'em coming!

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,095
Registered: ‎12-17-2011

I like the one about calling neighbor who plays music until 2 a.m, and then call them at 4 a.m.