Community Chat

[candys mine]

I have not read further so I don't know if more information has ben revieled, like WHO instigated the search and the face to face meeting and were you privy to it or did your son tell you After the Fact.of it. 

WHY does your son think he will tun out like the woman who bore him?  That is the question he needs to answer.  You raised him from a toddler through ALL the social learning milestones for all the years of his life.  and yet he feel like he will turn into the woman who had influance on him for a year and a half. 

ASK him what does he see of Her in Himself?

Remind your son that He is blessed to have been given the chance to grow up in a loving home.  He should Thank his birthmother for giving him the chace to grow in a loving, stable familly.  A ONE TIME gift to her as thanks is all well and good but be very careful not to start supporting her and her family.

I would really really Have a sit down conversation with your son as to why he "suddenly" has those concerns about himself.

I do Not think you yourself should have ANY part in giving money to that woman and her other children. 

[Jordan2]

@Malcontent  I don't think you owe your son's birth mother anything. She should be grateful to you and your husband for raising a fine man and for loving him and giving him what she couldn't. You wonder about nurture vs nature, he shouldn't worry about being like his birth mother, you and your husband instilled in him all the qualities to be an upstanding human being. 

[qualitygal]

Just listen to him.  At this point in life, it's up to him what he does with the info he has.  If I were in your shoes, I'd say "0" and not get involved.  Just don't.

[Malcontent]

@candys mine 

My son told his brother (my eldest son) that because he and his birthmother share the same DNA that he was afraid he will end up like her.  I’m paraphrasing here.

I think the image of what he had in his head before meeting her and the harsh reality after meeting her is what he’s dealing with at the moment.

[Malcontent]

@BirkiLady 

I’m not trying to stir up trouble.

[Northray]

If anything SHE OWES YOU.  So don't feel like you "owe" her.  You raised your baby with love and everything you had to give.  Job done.  All you can do now is continue to love him and be there for HIM.  You are a special human being and may God continue to bless you and your son. 

[goldensrbest]

I think your son needs to realize  that he needs to stay away from her,and you do not own her any help.

[Drythe]

@Malcontent 

Your Son seems to be a kind, thoughtful person, as you raised him to be.

It sounds as if he is in a bit of shock.  I would simply be there for him, (as you obviously have been) and give him time to think things through.

As others have said, I believe he could benefit from a bit of counseling, talk with his minister, or other professional.

Just my opinion, when we see someone we love hurting, we tend to jump in with a ‘fix’.  Sometimes some quiet thinking time is more helpful.  With all due respect, your very generous offer of assistance may add to his burden at this time.  I would let it lie, and not mention it again unless he brings it up to you.

I think you and your Spouse might make plans about what to do if she contacts you for funds, and at some later point include your Son in the discussion.

Best Wishes

[Malcontent]

@decaf 

I’ve not talked to my son, I’ve talked to his older brother. So far I only know bits and pieces of what happened.

My son will be here this afternoon. He’s driving down from Wyoming.

My son has no idea that I talked with my husband about helping his birthmother financially.  My husband has made it quite clear to me that when our son arrives today that subject will never come up.  My husband wants nothing further to do with the birthmother or their family.   

[pupwhipped]

Meeting his birth mother has only caused problems for all of you...period. Do not get involved with her in any way unless you want to prolong the unhappiness he's already feeling. None of you owe her anything. She had her life before they met and she will have it going forward. I know your son is very much an adult and he will make his own decisions but the situation she is in is not of his making and not his to fix. It can only lead to more and more problems.