Re: My mother died. Looking for some advice....

pitdakota · ‎03-16-2010

Oh @FiddleDeeDee, I am so sorry to hear about your mother. That is a big loss itself, but then with everything going on at this time it just has to make it a much harder situation.

I had some relatives that went through somewhat the same situation about 2 weeks ago. They did choose to have their mother buried with just 2 people there for a special remembrance at the grave site. No minister or priest, just the 2 family members. They plan to have a special memorial service for her once things settle down. One thing they are considering is have the service in their church, rather than waiting for the funeral home to have an opening for the service.

Whatever decision you make, please take time to try and take care of yourself. It is darn hard to lose you Mom under any circumstance, but with all these other factors coming into play, it can really add to your stress. I know you are thinking about your mother and want to do what you can in the best way to meet her wishes with all these circumstances, but you need to take care of you as well.

* Freedom has a taste the protected will never know *

vsm · ‎05-08-2010

Sending condolences, @FiddleDeeDee . It is always difficult to lose and bury a parent, but in these circumstances, the pain and confusion must be unbearable.

Were I in your shoes, I would have a Mass said now for the repose of her soul and for my own peace of heart, even if it's only in the rectory chapel. A Mass followed by a reception can always occur later. As for burial, I can only speak for myself, having lost my Dad less than a year ago. I could never have left his remains in the funeral home, but would have laid him to rest as soon as possible, making sure friends knew of this arrangement so they could call me or I them immediately after I came home. A formal graveside service can be done in the future. Just be sure to do whatever will give you a measure of comfort in this difficult situation. May you find special grace and consolation this Holy Week.

roeroe1005 · ‎03-13-2010

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. Especially during these already stressful times. Prayers for your family.

My dad passed away 11 months ago. He always wanted to be cremated and wanted no funeral, etc. My sister and I hadn't listened to him in a long time, we were not going to start now.

Once we knew that dad was not going to make it, we made arrangements. We had him cremated and would have a mass/lunch later to accommodate our out of town family.

I kept dad's ashes in my apartment, a little weird at first, but my nephew who lived below me, would come up and we would have dinner, etc., with him. Really weird, I know.

Dad died May 4, we had a mass & lunch in June. We had his ashes interred a few weeks later, just immediate family; 6 of us.

This is such a crazy time. I can't believe the added stress you have to deal with not being able to give her a proper burial at this time. As your mom is cremated, there isn't a rush to get her buried. If you have siblings, nephews/nieces, children, I think I would wait to have her buried so everyone can be together. I would also take her ashes home where she is probably safer.

Again, my condolences.

happycat · ‎09-18-2010

Oh my, I am so sorry for the loss of your mom, @FiddleDeeDee. I don't know what I would do, but I am thinking of you.

isaboo · ‎03-13-2010

Fiddledede , I'm So sorry for your loss. Follow your heart, I'm sure your mom would be happy with whatever you decide especially considering the circumstances.

sissel · ‎08-13-2010

I am so sorry losing a parent is so hard. I did not read all the replies but DD's b/f grandma died in Fl. she chose to be buried in NY (her home town) she got cremated but they wanted everyone there so flew her up after cremation she sat there for a few months because family is all over the states they had a few months to get everyone figured out. Finally after a few months everyone got their days & flights together & did the burial. They rented a house in NY did the funeral & also had a family reunion of seeing eachother. With this virus going on seems we have to put everything on hold. We don't know how long this will last but think about waiting it out so she can have her funeral. Again so sorry for you & your family going threw this.

qualitygal · ‎10-04-2010

If I were in your shoes, I'd tend to her first, the service is secondary and can be done later when it's safer for everyone to join in at the service. Sorry for your loss.

ninjawife · ‎11-15-2011

@FiddleDeeDee wrote:
Thank you ALL for your support and sympathy; it means a great deal to me. I am leaning to having her buried now and the mass and reception later until I read @tipsy 's post....as a life long Catholic, I had NO IDEA about not being able to have the funeral mass without the body/cremains!! How did I not know this?! Thank you, @tipsy , for the heads up.

I will be calling the family priest in the morning. *sigh*

I believe the church will make an exception in light of the times. My BFF's father died on March 20. She was able to bury him in a Veteren's cemetery and will be holding a mass and reception at a later date.

CalminHeart · ‎03-09-2010

@FiddleDeeDee wrote:
My mother died this past week unexpectedly. Following her wishes, I had her cremated and chose the urn and vault. She will stay at the funeral home until the funeral.

Here is where I need advice:

She wants a mass and reception. She already chose and paid for her plot. The cemetery is NOT doing full service burials at the moment. Now, I can have her buried but only 1 person can be there; no graveside service....you meet the hearse at the curb, say good bye and off you go.

Do I do this and have the mass and reception some time this year or next year (depending on the virus)?

Do I hold her at the funeral home until her specific wishes can be carried out no matter how long that may be?

I've spoken with the funeral director, the priests and the burial site; ALL have told me that waitlist is going to be almost a year (or longer, again, based on the virus) if I want the latter. If I just have her buried, I'm looking at 2-3 months, on average if I put her name on the list now.

What would you do?

I am so sorry for your loss. My mom passed 2 years ago so I understand.

My advice - don't make any hasty decisions. You don't have to decide this moment. She would understand that this is not a normal time so whatever decision you make will be fine. Take a few days or longer to decide. In the meantime, ask her priest for input if you want.

jubilant · ‎06-10-2010

I am sorry for the loss of your mother. I am a mother and I told my daughter to do whatever is best or whatever she needs to do for herself and the family. Under these kind of circumstances, I'm sure your mother would understand if all her wishes couldn't all be fulfilled in a timely manner. I think mother would want you to do what's best for you and the family right now.