My main concern for my child is not that he is "happy".

Mominohio · ‎08-08-2010

I may open a real can of worms with this one, but the post about parental responsibility, coupled with a conversation with my 18 year old son last night about a former girlfriend and her mother (and their dislike for me) made me remember something I firmly believe.

My son's "happiness" is not my first priority for him. That may sound cold, but there are things on my list of importance for him/his future that rank slightly above happiness, and without them, happiness might not be real or lasting. I don't think true happiness exists without some of the other things coming first.

We all want to see our children live long, healthy, happy lives, smile, enjoy life, but during the years we are raising them, their "happiness" especially as defined by today's society and many parents isn't my top priority.

My first concern, and the foundation for all other things, is his values. Call it what you will, religion, relationship with God, or however you define it. Without solid, strong, and good values, no matter how much else you achieve in life (wealth, education, happiness,fame, success) you won't be truly happy, and your life won't have real value. It is the foundation upon which all else is built.

Health comes next, with education (not just the book learning kind either) ranking right up there beside it.

In order to achieve real happiness, and for our best welfare, we have to sometimes deny ourselves things that make us "happy". For example, Having an expensive cell phone with all the benefits would make any 12 year old "happy" but perhaps it really isn't good for them. They didn't earn it, and things earned are much more appreciated that those given. They most likely aren't mature enough to use it and the technology wisely. That comes with age and supervised experience.

I, as a mother, am constantly facing other parents, who are more concerned about their child's happiness than their long term well being. It seems easier to give in to peer pressure and societal norms than to stand your ground and have your child not like you as you instill values of hard work, patience, delayed gratification, responsibility, honor, kindness, and humility. Most children will have periods of "unhappiness" with parents when these lessons are being ingrained. The ultimate goal is to have a happy life, but getting there, and the lessons required often lead to unhappiness at times for children (and many adults too) going through the process to get there.

I'd like to hear others ideas and input on the topic of just where "happiness" ranks in importance in child rearing, and if anyone else feels too many parents focus on that rather than other important values and lessons.

betteb · ‎03-09-2010

It's God's job to judge the terrorists. It's our mission to arrange the meeting. U.S. Marines

Qwackertoo · ‎03-11-2010

I think it is one of those things that has to be started before their first birthday. And continued and reinforced year after year. At a certain point, they then "know" you want them to be "happy" but that you also want for their well being, both spiritual, intellectual, material, safety . . . the whole Nine Yards . . . and most days they even appreciate you and your love & support of them and there will be days, hopefully few & far in-between that they don't and they let you know it too.

I have pulled the "I'm not your friend I'm your Mother" rank on them over the years. Of course I want to be their "friend" too but not like some parents who spoil them beyond rotten, don't expect manners and good behavior and buy them everything their little heart desires. Nope, not in my house.

I see some of my cousins with their young kids, even my youngest brother with his two young daughters . . . and think . . . one of these days you're gonna wish you had been a little stricter, a little tougher . . . much easier to do from the get go than with a full grown strong willed teenager or young adult.

Then you can send them off to college and know in your heart you did your absolute very best and that they will make good decisions and have a "happy life" in both work, play, love, marriage and their own children.

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sidsmom · ‎11-25-2011

Nice. I don't have kids, but understand what you're saying. Unhappiness & Angst are some of the best teachers of life. That's when you grow the most.

scotttie · ‎03-09-2010

Wow, mominohio, you are an incredible mother. I agree with everything you said. Don't really have much to add. I do recall when raising my 3 girls that I often was not the most popular mom. In fact, once or twice mothers would call me and ask "Are you letting (DD)go?" They depended on my judgment for some reason. I think it is largely because of what you are saying. Momentary "happiness" is fleeting. Much more important are the other things you name.

Jazzybelle · ‎09-21-2010

Thankfully, a child's well-being and his happiness need not be mutually exclusive. I believe that in most cases, when parents make their child's well-being a priority, happiness naturally exists.

Mominohio · ‎08-08-2010

On 11/12/2014 Qwackertoo said:
I think it is one of those things that has to be started before their first birthday. And continued and reinforced year after year. At a certain point, they then "know" you want them to be "happy" but that you also want for their well being, both spiritual, intellectual, material, safety . . . the whole Nine Yards . . . and most days they even appreciate you and your love & support of them and there will be days, hopefully few & far in-between that they don't and they let you know it too.

I have pulled the "I'm not your friend I'm your Mother" rank on them over the years. Of course I want to be their "friend" too but not like some parents who spoil them beyond rotten, don't expect manners and good behavior and buy them everything their little heart desires. Nope, not in my house.

I see some of my cousins with their young kids, even my youngest brother with his two young daughters . . . and think . . . one of these days you're gonna wish you had been a little stricter, a little tougher . . . much easier to do from the get go than with a full grown strong willed teenager or young adult.

Then you can send them off to college and know in your heart you did your absolute very best and that they will make good decisions and have a "happy life" in both work, play, love, marriage and their own children.

edit typo

That is so very much the key to it, to start from the very beginning. Many people wait until the child is pre teen, and try to "lay down the law" after years of giving in to instant gratification, and the battle begins!

Faye Kinitte · ‎11-12-2014

Very well said, OP. I think happiness is surely to follow the things you said you hope to instill in your children. Your words kind of remind me of the old simplistic proverb..".give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he will eat for the rest of his life." The long term should win out over the immediate gratification every time.