Some of you may remember me under my old nick name, "FlaYankeeFan" and might remember that my Mom is in a nursing home with Alzheimers Disease.
My heart is breaking and I don't know who to talk to. Last Thursday morning, just as I was leaving for work, my phone rang and it was the nursing home, telling me that they sent my Mom to the hospital via ambulance "911". I asked what happened and was told that she was unresponsive. I called my boss and left for the hospital.
When I arrived, she was unconscious and hooked up to Oxygen, IV's, etc. They were running all kinds of tests. After about 30 min. with me talking to her and holding her hand and kissing her, her eyes starting opening. Yet, since she lost her speech ability, she could not communicate yet was trying to talk. The ER doctor was very nice. Then came in a biatch on wheels, an infectious disease doctor, who told me they did a chest x-ray and found a tumor on my Mom's lung. She asked if my Mom smoked or drank and said she did smoke years ago. Well, this biatch, looked at me and said "I'm just telling you, the tumor is very large, she lived a good life - you did a good job" and walked away from me. This was in the middle of the er hallway. My head was spinning.
They told me they were going to do a CAT scan and then move her to another room. I stepped out for air. When I got back, I went up to her new room and was told she went for the CAT scan. She returned and a nephrologist came in and said she had some problem with her kidneys but it wasn't too bad. They were running blood tests and cultures, etc. I stayed for awhile, holding her hand, telling her I loved her, kissing her. She fell asleep and I left.
Friday, I went to work and at lunch time, went to the hospital. A cardiologist came in and told me she had some arythmia but at her age (83), she doesn't recommend doing anything but treating her with medicine. When I arrived in my Mom's room, I found a feeding tube through her nose, iv's in both arms, oxygen, etc. Her eyes looked at me in such a very sad way. I cried but held her hand, kissed her, comforted her, etc. She fell asleep and I went back to work. At 7:00 p.m., a doctor called and told me he wanted to talk to me I said ok, but he said no, he wanted to speak to me in person. He asked me to be at the hospital Saturday morning at 9:00 a.m.
I arrived at the hospital and the doctor called me in to her room, said they ran all tests and found that the tumor is very, very large. He told me it is cancer. Asked if I wanted her biopsied and I said no. I asked how long she had and he said "not very long at all, maybe 6 months." He asked if I wanted hospice ordered and I said yes. So, they discharged Mom last night and sent her back to the nursing home.
I could not go today to see her -- I have a horrible cold and don't want her to catch anything from me. My heart is breaking. I feel like I am dying inside. I knew this day was coming and no matter how hard I've tried, I cannot cope with this. You are never prepared. I have been saying good-bye to Mom for the last 7 years with the Alzheimers.
Now, a week ago when I visited her at the nursing home, I held her hands and told her I was okay. If she was tired and wanted to go to be with her Mom, Dad and my Dad, it was okay. I told her not to worry about me. She cupped my face in her hands and brushed my bangs with her fingers. A week later, she is in hospice. Remember, she can't speak and hasn't spoken (except for baby like babble) for a year, but yesterday I was knelling at her bedside in the hospital, and she held my hand and mumbled "I love you". Her eyes were staring into mine. It was the greatest gift she could give me.
I am sorry for this long posting. I had to get this all of my chest. Thank you all for listening/reading.
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