Community Chat

[CrazyDaisy]

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@matty liz wrote:

I'm 80 and through the years my husband and I were there to take care of the kids at the last minute and on routine times as well as other helpful things.  The kids are older and have busy lives.  We are older and can't do as much.  It would be so appreciated if both generations would recognise the change and find new ways to show we are the same caring just to allow different ways to show.  It makes us grandparents feel lonely.

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Unfortunately when people get old they become disposable.  

[CrazyDaisy]

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@new nickname 4 wrote:

@chrystaltree Just my observation, but you said the grandparents are wealthy and they in their 80's.  They made the offer to rent a block of hotel rooms for the entire family to visit, which is quite a generous offer.  I would have loved to spend time in the winter in a sunny place, so I think the grandparents are thinking that they are being nice by offering this.

Your friend and the rest of her family doesn't want to spend time with them, even though it may be the last time as a family.  I just wonder though, will they also refuse any inheritance when the grandparents die.  

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Will fight eachother to get there first....because they  love them so much.

[Lucky Charm]

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@chrystaltree wrote:

My friend's parents moved to FL when they retired at 62;  for years, they back came for holidays and spent part of the summer here.  Every couple of years, they hosted a big family  Christmas in FL so they remained close to the grandkids.  The grandkids spent a month every summer with them.  Then in their early 70's they moved into a senior citizen community to be closer to their friends.  Apparently it was quite restrictive and the grandsons who were young teens had nothing to do, couldn't ride bikes or play their music, there were no other kids.   They stopped visiting their grandparents and the grandparents were older and settled and they didn't travel anymore.  My friend alternated Mother's Day and Father's Day with her parents.  The kids never went and her parents were ok with that.  Their friends were their family and they had full lives.   OK....    So Covid comes and goes, many of the friends passed away, some have health issues or dementia.  They feel alone and they want to reconnect with their grandchildren and meet their great grandchild.  They have money so they want to rent a block of hotel rooms so that everyone can come down for Christmas.  Suddenly they want pictures and to be Facebook friends with the grandsons they haven't cared much about at all for 10 or 12 years so my friend's sons are not at all interested in giving up their Christmases for two people they haven't seen in years and who didn't reach out to them in years.  It's baby's first Christmas for one son so travel is out.  The second son plans to formally propose to his girlfriend and present her with the ring on Christmas.  Both boys want their mom to be with their family but understand that she might decide to spend Christmas with her elderly parents.   So....   my friend is in a quandary.  Go to FL or don't go.  I think she should do what what makes HER happy and that was my advice.    When it comes to family, her parents made their choice years ago.  But she is reluctant to tell her parents how her sons feel...or don't feel about them.  She can't bring herself to explain that they let the relationship with them wither and die and the boys accepted that long ago.   I think she should be honest so that her parents don't have any false hope about resurrecting relationships.  Which should not surprise them since apparently in all these years, they haven't spoken to the boys more than a few times  when they were younger.  Just sent the occasional card on birthdays and graduations.  It's an odd situation.  I know families break up or become distant because of arguments, grudges, fights etc.  I have never heard of a family relationship dying from disinterest.  

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Your friend started the quandry she's in now.

Her sons were tweens or whatever.  They didn't decide to stop visiting their grandparents.  Your friend decided that.  

A kid doesn't say, 'I'm not traveling to FL, I'm not taking off work, I'm not spending my vacation in FL'.  

Their parent does.  (Your friend.)

So what if they can't ride bikes or listen to music for a few days out of the year?  Big deal! 

The kids must've crabbed about having to go and your friend didn't try to talk them into it.

Kids won that one.

[matty liz]

CrazyDaisy, no human life is disposable!  In my comment I tried to show reality and suggest a better way to address familes.  Each generation is able to contribute to ease the original comment stated.  We need to be sure our part is good then accept others behavior.

[JeanLouiseFinch]

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@occasionalrain wrote:

My parents never down sized, never moved away. They stayed in the big house that was always home. Every holiday their children and  grandchildren gathered there. But not just holidays, we would stop by anytime and there was always coffee and cake, or pie, or cinnamon rolls...made by my mother. No one can maintain that intimacy living states apart while being visitors a few times a year.

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So true. When I was a teenager my older sisters would often just show up unannounced with babies and/or toddlers in tow.  Or, if my dad was out and about on errands he would drop in on one of them for a cup of coffee.  One sister was a baker so she always had something to go with the coffee.  The other likely had a box of cookies in the pantry.  Aunts and uncles would stop by too, from time to time.  That wasn't just in our home, it was the way families interacted once upon a time. We had a few aunts & uncles  that lived out of state, but most lived within an easy driving distance.  Our kids live within an hour, or so, or less from us.  We try to see them regularly, but these days those get togethers are arranged since life, in general, is busier than it used to be and there are schedules to coordinate.  There are times when DH and I talk about a move, but I/we could never go through with it.   

[jubilant]

Every situation is different. I know grandparents that considered moving away because they were no longer invited anywhere except maybe a couple times a year for Christmas and Easter and a birthday once in a while.  When that continued and the grandkids didn't seem to "need" them as much anymore..... the grandparents made new acquaintances to occupy  their need for people. 

  Another scenerio is some people think that grandparents have  plenty of time and energy to babysit ......so..... whenever mom and dad can't or the babysitter or  child is sick guess who may get asked??  That's fine if they can and want to but not everyone wants to or is not healthy enough.  You would be surprised how often I see this happening.  I'm not saying this is the case in your situation but I think both sides should reach out to each other. I think if no one does,  one day you may regret it.

I think it's quite common after raising your own kids and seeing grandchildren into their teens and marriages, that the parents are usually the kids main attraction and grandparents kind of play second fiddle. Nothing wrong with that and it's quite normal but I imagine it get's pretty lonely at times....especially when friends are at the age where they are dying off and they can't do what they used to do. These scenario's may not be anything like your situation but I think one needs to consider all sides and views.

[Sooner]

Having been in the middle for most of my life I have given up on it.   When people move away from their kids, they make a choice.  When they don't go see their kids when they are able,they make a choice.

You can't expect your kid to give up holidays with their own family.  Peiod.  You shouldn't make it painful for them to make a choice.  

[gertrudecloset]

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@chrystaltree wrote:

My friend's parents moved to FL when they retired at 62;  for years, they back came for holidays and spent part of the summer here.  Every couple of years, they hosted a big family  Christmas in FL so they remained close to the grandkids.  The grandkids spent a month every summer with them.  Then in their early 70's they moved into a senior citizen community to be closer to their friends.  Apparently it was quite restrictive and the grandsons who were young teens had nothing to do, couldn't ride bikes or play their music, there were no other kids.   They stopped visiting their grandparents and the grandparents were older and settled and they didn't travel anymore.  My friend alternated Mother's Day and Father's Day with her parents.  The kids never went and her parents were ok with that.  Their friends were their family and they had full lives.   OK....    So Covid comes and goes, many of the friends passed away, some have health issues or dementia.  They feel alone and they want to reconnect with their grandchildren and meet their great grandchild.  They have money so they want to rent a block of hotel rooms so that everyone can come down for Christmas.  Suddenly they want pictures and to be Facebook friends with the grandsons they haven't cared much about at all for 10 or 12 years so my friend's sons are not at all interested in giving up their Christmases for two people they haven't seen in years and who didn't reach out to them in years.  It's baby's first Christmas for one son so travel is out.  The second son plans to formally propose to his girlfriend and present her with the ring on Christmas.  Both boys want their mom to be with their family but understand that she might decide to spend Christmas with her elderly parents.   So....   my friend is in a quandary.  Go to FL or don't go.  I think she should do what what makes HER happy and that was my advice.    When it comes to family, her parents made their choice years ago.  But she is reluctant to tell her parents how her sons feel...or don't feel about them.  She can't bring herself to explain that they let the relationship with them wither and die and the boys accepted that long ago.   I think she should be honest so that her parents don't have any false hope about resurrecting relationships.  Which should not surprise them since apparently in all these years, they haven't spoken to the boys more than a few times  when they were younger.  Just sent the occasional card on birthdays and graduations.  It's an odd situation.  I know families break up or become distant because of arguments, grudges, fights etc.  I have never heard of a family relationship dying from disinterest.  

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Could you summarize this missive as it does not have any paragraphs and it's so long.  After you summarize, maybe I'll respond.  Otherwise, I'm not reading it @chrystaltree .  Thank yer.

[tansy]

@Cakers3 edited the original post and put in paragraphs, @gertrudecloset.  For some reason the post was deleted.

[paixmcdao]

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@tansy wrote:

@Cakers3 edited the original post and put in paragraphs, @gertrudecloset.  For some reason the post was deleted.

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It has not been deleted. Check Post #2