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Honored Contributor
Posts: 10,893
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: My friend is caught in the middle.

@sabatini 

 

I understood what you meant. People make choices that lead to outcomes. Long distance relationships are nearly impossible to maintain, whether they're with a partner, or a family.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,140
Registered: ‎07-01-2012

Re: My friend is caught in the middle.

[ Edited ]

Curious.....When your friend alternated Father's Day and Mother's Day with her parents and the grandchildren were not involved that was okay with the grandparents and your friend. The agenda was previously already set.

 

Your friend did not insist her children should visit with her to see her parents at least once a year. It did not have to be a month but maybe a week or less as a family visit. Your friend actually set the stage for the situation as it is today.

 

Now the grandparents are at the end of their lives and would like to see the grandchildren. This is not unusual or selfish considering their ages.

 

Your friend's children do not want to bother. Your friend raised her children to believe all family members do not matter.

 

Maybe they could find it in their hearts to do at least facebook with the grandparents. Maybe your friend should connect more with her parents and children and admit everyone could have done better over the years to share more.

 

Ha, your friend said her parents have money. Maybe when both grandparents die and if they leave some money to anyone of them then they will recognize who they were. Ouch.

 

Family is family. Distance is an excuse not a good reason. Nor is less than a week, at any age, and excuse not to visit and give a hug.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,034
Registered: ‎06-29-2015

Re: My friend is caught in the middle.


@occasionalrain wrote:

@sabatini 

 

I understood what you meant. People make choices that lead to outcomes. Long distance relationships are nearly impossible to maintain, whether they're with a partner, or a family.


Hi @occasionalrain. Nice to see you...

 

I think this part of the post may be true for some, but not all.

It's also a sign of the times.

 

In days gone by, a letter to a long distance loved one was cherished & probably reread time and again.

The relationship and connection wasn't diminished by distance, & perhaps may've increased.

Did you ever read the book The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society?

The majority of the book was comprised of letters written between the  characters.

 

My own kids as well as my sister's kids all grew up in CA, while our folks were in MA, and all of them were close.

Maybe that's because my sister and I talked about our folks, told old stories, cried or laughed about them, so their presence was felt in the home.

This was back when $long distance$ phone calls were scarce, so letters had to suffice.

 

When each of them died, every grandchild flew in to attend and reminisce with their cousins.

 

Famiglia!

Muddling through...
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,763
Registered: ‎07-26-2019

Re: My friend is caught in the middle.

@chiclets 

 

Great points , I think you have assessed the situation well.

 By the way , guess those Grandsons accepted all the birthday/graduation  gifts or money that they received from the Grand parents all those years.

Super Contributor
Posts: 275
Registered: ‎08-08-2010

Re: My friend is caught in the middle.

This is the biggest reason I would not move away.  I never want to feel disconnected from my grandkids.  One is in 2nd year of college and the other a senior in high school. I think that as long as it is possible, the grandparents should come visit. 

Honored Contributor
Posts: 10,893
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: My friend is caught in the middle.

My parents never down sized, never moved away. They stayed in the big house that was always home. Every holiday their children and  grandchildren gathered there. But not just holidays, we would stop by anytime and there was always coffee and cake, or pie, or cinnamon rolls...made by my mother. No one can maintain that intimacy living states apart while being visitors a few times a year.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 15,344
Registered: ‎05-01-2010

Re: My friend is caught in the middle.

[ Edited ]

@occasionalrain wrote:

@sabatini 

 

I understood what you meant. People make choices that lead to outcomes. Long distance relationships are nearly impossible to maintain, whether they're with a partner, or a family.


@occasionalrain  Not always true. One of my sisters lives on the other side of the world. She came home every year with her child and at times we went there. Parents are now gone but we still have a close relationship and FaceTimed during the Pandemic.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,223
Registered: ‎02-14-2017

Re: My friend is caught in the middle.

I moved away after college 27 years ago. I don’t remember the last time I visited home for any reason except a sense of obligation.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 20,019
Registered: ‎08-08-2010

Re: My friend is caught in the middle.

I have seen similar happenings when seniors move to Florida or other retirement areas, and leave the family far away. Happened in my family too. Lots of visits both ways in that first few years as they retired young and had enough money to travel or host us there. It eventually trickles down or disappears.

 

But I will caution that you are hearing just one side of the story. I will admit that often seniors move on with their own new life, just like our young adult kids do, and it's actually quite healthy in my opinion. 

 

I think it is much more prevalent than many think, for grandparents to 'grow away' from their grands as those kids  hit those teen years. The seniors have more trouble as they age, being there, the kids start to develop their own lives. It certainly doesn't happen that way in all families, but it definitely does in many. Time and distance just creates an environment where relationships are hard to foster. 

 

As far as that 'caught in the middle' friend, I'd suggest she get used to splitting holidays, because that is something else that happens as our kids age, create their own families, and marry and join other families. She might just want to come to the realization that she will have to alternate certain holidays (go see her parents over Thanksgiving, be with the kids and grands over Christmas) or schedule holidays at times other than holidays. 

 

I know the holidays mean a lot to some people, but if you really think about it, you can have as good or even better a time with loved ones, on any given Tuesday in September, as you can on December 25th. It's all in what you put into it, and how you choose to frame your outlook around it. 

 

My advice to her would be don't stress yourself out trying to be everything to everybody. Her parents made choices years ago, they have consequences. Her adult kids are choosing to not go and will deal with the consequences of that years into the future when they wonder what they might have missed in rekindling a relationship. She can't fix this for everybody, and being in the middle just plain stinks. The best she can do is try to make separate times to spend with each 'side'. 

 

I do think that it would be nice if just once in awhile, people would consider those 'in the middle' and do what would be easy and fulfilling for them, but it rarely happens that way.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 10,371
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: My friend is caught in the middle.

It's nice that grandparents want to reconnect.

 

Are they able to travel to be with your friend's family instead of all of them traveling to Florida? It seems cheaper if the parents flew to them instead of all the family flying to the parents.

 

Perhaps your friend could go see her parents before or after the actual holiday. Or vice versa.

 

If not, it is what it is. It's not easy but your friend should follow her heart in making a decision.