My friend is caught in the middle.

chrystaltree · ‎05-10-2010

My friend's parents moved to FL when they retired at 62; for years, they back came for holidays and spent part of the summer here. Every couple of years, they hosted a big family Christmas in FL so they remained close to the grandkids. The grandkids spent a month every summer with them. Then in their early 70's they moved into a senior citizen community to be closer to their friends. Apparently it was quite restrictive and the grandsons who were young teens had nothing to do, couldn't ride bikes or play their music, there were no other kids. They stopped visiting their grandparents and the grandparents were older and settled and they didn't travel anymore. My friend alternated Mother's Day and Father's Day with her parents. The kids never went and her parents were ok with that. Their friends were their family and they had full lives. OK.... So Covid comes and goes, many of the friends passed away, some have health issues or dementia. They feel alone and they want to reconnect with their grandchildren and meet their great grandchild. They have money so they want to rent a block of hotel rooms so that everyone can come down for Christmas. Suddenly they want pictures and to be Facebook friends with the grandsons they haven't cared much about at all for 10 or 12 years so my friend's sons are not at all interested in giving up their Christmases for two people they haven't seen in years and who didn't reach out to them in years. It's baby's first Christmas for one son so travel is out. The second son plans to formally propose to his girlfriend and present her with the ring on Christmas. Both boys want their mom to be with their family but understand that she might decide to spend Christmas with her elderly parents. So.... my friend is in a quandary. Go to FL or don't go. I think she should do what what makes HER happy and that was my advice. When it comes to family, her parents made their choice years ago. But she is reluctant to tell her parents how her sons feel...or don't feel about them. She can't bring herself to explain that they let the relationship with them wither and die and the boys accepted that long ago. I think she should be honest so that her parents don't have any false hope about resurrecting relationships. Which should not surprise them since apparently in all these years, they haven't spoken to the boys more than a few times when they were younger. Just sent the occasional card on birthdays and graduations. It's an odd situation. I know families break up or become distant because of arguments, grudges, fights etc. I have never heard of a family relationship dying from disinterest.

Cakers3 · ‎06-17-2015

@chrystaltree wrote:
My friend's parents moved to FL when they retired at 62; for years, they back came for holidays and spent part of the summer here. Every couple of years, they hosted a big family Christmas in FL so they remained close to the grandkids. The grandkids spent a month every summer with them.

Then in their early 70's they moved into a senior citizen community to be closer to their friends. Apparently it was quite restrictive and the grandsons who were young teens had nothing to do, couldn't ride bikes or play their music, there were no other kids.

They stopped visiting their grandparents and the grandparents were older and settled and they didn't travel anymore. My friend alternated Mother's Day and Father's Day with her parents.

The kids never went and her parents were ok with that. Their friends were their family and they had full lives. OK.... So Covid comes and goes, many of the friends passed away, some have health issues or dementia. They feel alone and they want to reconnect with their grandchildren and meet their great grandchild.

They have money so they want to rent a block of hotel rooms so that everyone can come down for Christmas. Suddenly they want pictures and to be Facebook friends with the grandsons they haven't cared much about at all for 10 or 12 years so my friend's sons are not at all interested in giving up their Christmases for two people they haven't seen in years and who didn't reach out to them in years.

It's baby's first Christmas for one son so travel is out. The second son plans to formally propose to his girlfriend and present her with the ring on Christmas. Both boys want their mom to be with their family but understand that she might decide to spend Christmas with her elderly parents.

So.... my friend is in a quandary. Go to FL or don't go. I think she should do what what makes HER happy and that was my advice. When it comes to family, her parents made their choice years ago.

But she is reluctant to tell her parents how her sons feel...or don't feel about them. She can't bring herself to explain that they let the relationship with them wither and die and the boys accepted that long ago.

I think she should be honest so that her parents don't have any false hope about resurrecting relationships. Which should not surprise them since apparently in all these years, they haven't spoken to the boys more than a few times when they were younger. Just sent the occasional card on birthdays and graduations.

It's an odd situation. I know families break up or become distant because of arguments, grudges, fights etc. I have never heard of a family relationship dying from disinterest.

@chrystaltree Yikes. Paragraphs are your friend. I had to edit your post just to wade through.

You said the boys spent summers with them but later the new living situation was not suitable for them to visit nor for the grandparents to travel.

I don't see a problem here. Children grow up and make new lives for themselves.

I do not see any wrong actions by all parties involved.

"" Compassion is a verb."-Thich Nhat Hanh

Laura14 · ‎06-09-2014

I would say spend time with the parents right before Christmas or just after in the new year. I know from being a kid from a divorced home that there were always two celebrations and two different time periods to celebrate with each side.

I would also honor the grandparents request to do FB. If the kids are on it, it only takes a moment to friend someone and let them see a family they are looking to reconnect with and I didn't read anything the grandparents had done maliciously. I would hesitate to turn away a decent someone who is reaching out.

Tinkrbl44 · ‎08-23-2010

@chrystaltree wrote:
My friend's parents moved to FL when they retired at 62; for years, they back came for holidays and spent part of the summer here. Every couple of years, they hosted a big family Christmas in FL so they remained close to the grandkids. The grandkids spent a month every summer with them. Then in their early 70's they moved into a senior citizen community to be closer to their friends. Apparently it was quite restrictive and the grandsons who were young teens had nothing to do, couldn't ride bikes or play their music, there were no other kids. They stopped visiting their grandparents and the grandparents were older and settled and they didn't travel anymore. My friend alternated Mother's Day and Father's Day with her parents. The kids never went and her parents were ok with that. Their friends were their family and they had full lives. OK.... So Covid comes and goes, many of the friends passed away, some have health issues or dementia. They feel alone and they want to reconnect with their grandchildren and meet their great grandchild. They have money so they want to rent a block of hotel rooms so that everyone can come down for Christmas. Suddenly they want pictures and to be Facebook friends with the grandsons they haven't cared much about at all for 10 or 12 years so my friend's sons are not at all interested in giving up their Christmases for two people they haven't seen in years and who didn't reach out to them in years. It's baby's first Christmas for one son so travel is out. The second son plans to formally propose to his girlfriend and present her with the ring on Christmas. Both boys want their mom to be with their family but understand that she might decide to spend Christmas with her elderly parents. So.... my friend is in a quandary. Go to FL or don't go. I think she should do what what makes HER happy and that was my advice. When it comes to family, her parents made their choice years ago. But she is reluctant to tell her parents how her sons feel...or don't feel about them. She can't bring herself to explain that they let the relationship with them wither and die and the boys accepted that long ago. I think she should be honest so that her parents don't have any false hope about resurrecting relationships. Which should not surprise them since apparently in all these years, they haven't spoken to the boys more than a few times when they were younger. Just sent the occasional card on birthdays and graduations. It's an odd situation. I know families break up or become distant because of arguments, grudges, fights etc. I have never heard of a family relationship dying from disinterest.

@chrystaltree

Huh. Interesting.

Perhaps other comments will change my mind, but I blame your friend for the lack of closeness between the grandparents & her kids.

I don't think it was only the grandparents fault that the relationships "withered and died". What the heck was your friend doing, exactly, to assure her kids had good memories of their grandparents? Seems like she did absolutely nothing!

If the kids weren't able to ride their bikes, etc, why was that considered the problem? Why weren't the kids ever taught to spend time with them, have good conversations with their grandparents, and cultivate relationships?

Are you saying NO ONE ever thought about "alternative" activities other than bike riding? Seriously?

Clearly, when her folks moved it was to be more comfortable, but do you really think it was solely up to them to be her kids' Entertainment Committee?

There are all sorts of ways to stay in touch .... facetime or face something ... and hey, what about regular plain old phone calls?

I don't think your friend is "caught in the middle" of an unsolveable situation. However, I DO think she caused it and is now looking to blame her parents. Her folks aren't the bad guys here.

As I said .... maybe another comment here will change my mind. I will be most interested in the other replies here.

Tinkrbl44 · ‎08-23-2010

@Laura14 wrote:
I would say spend time with the parents right before Christmas or just after in the new year. I know from being a kid from a divorced home that there were always two celebrations and two different time periods to celebrate with each side.

I would also honor the grandparents request to do FB. If the kids are on it, it only takes a moment to friend someone and let them see a family they are looking to reconnect with and I didn't read anything the grandparents had done maliciously. I would hesitate to turn away a decent someone who is reaching out.

@Laura14

You make a very valid point .... Christmas isn't the only holiday when families can get together! There's Thanksgiving, Memorial Day, 4th of July etc etc etc.

And what about just coordinating a Family Reunion get together that doesn't fall on any holiday? One thing's for sure ... it's cheaper to travel on a non-holiday week than trying to get a good price on tickets for major holidays.

What's wrong with just having a Family Reunion?

spumoni99 · ‎02-16-2019

@Tinkrbl44 wrote:
@chrystaltree wrote:
My friend's parents moved to FL when they retired at 62; for years, they back came for holidays and spent part of the summer here. Every couple of years, they hosted a big family Christmas in FL so they remained close to the grandkids. The grandkids spent a month every summer with them. Then in their early 70's they moved into a senior citizen community to be closer to their friends. Apparently it was quite restrictive and the grandsons who were young teens had nothing to do, couldn't ride bikes or play their music, there were no other kids. They stopped visiting their grandparents and the grandparents were older and settled and they didn't travel anymore. My friend alternated Mother's Day and Father's Day with her parents. The kids never went and her parents were ok with that. Their friends were their family and they had full lives. OK.... So Covid comes and goes, many of the friends passed away, some have health issues or dementia. They feel alone and they want to reconnect with their grandchildren and meet their great grandchild. They have money so they want to rent a block of hotel rooms so that everyone can come down for Christmas. Suddenly they want pictures and to be Facebook friends with the grandsons they haven't cared much about at all for 10 or 12 years so my friend's sons are not at all interested in giving up their Christmases for two people they haven't seen in years and who didn't reach out to them in years. It's baby's first Christmas for one son so travel is out. The second son plans to formally propose to his girlfriend and present her with the ring on Christmas. Both boys want their mom to be with their family but understand that she might decide to spend Christmas with her elderly parents. So.... my friend is in a quandary. Go to FL or don't go. I think she should do what what makes HER happy and that was my advice. When it comes to family, her parents made their choice years ago. But she is reluctant to tell her parents how her sons feel...or don't feel about them. She can't bring herself to explain that they let the relationship with them wither and die and the boys accepted that long ago. I think she should be honest so that her parents don't have any false hope about resurrecting relationships. Which should not surprise them since apparently in all these years, they haven't spoken to the boys more than a few times when they were younger. Just sent the occasional card on birthdays and graduations. It's an odd situation. I know families break up or become distant because of arguments, grudges, fights etc. I have never heard of a family relationship dying from disinterest.

@chrystaltree

Huh. Interesting.

Perhaps other comments will change my mind, but I blame your friend for the lack of closeness between the grandparents & her kids.

I don't think it was only the grandparents fault that the relationships "withered and died". What the heck was your friend doing, exactly, to assure her kids had good memories of their grandparents? Seems like she did absolutely nothing!

If the kids weren't able to ride their bikes, etc, why was that considered the problem? Why weren't the kids ever taught to spend time with them, have good conversations with their grandparents, and cultivate relationships?

Are you saying NO ONE ever thought about "alternative" activities other than bike riding? Seriously?

Clearly, when her folks moved it was to be more comfortable, but do you really think it was solely up to them to be her kids' Entertainment Committee?

There are all sorts of ways to stay in touch .... facetime or face something ... and hey, what about regular plain old phone calls?

I don't think your friend is "caught in the middle" of an unsolveable situation. However, I DO think she caused it and is now looking to blame her parents. Her folks aren't the bad guys here.

As I said .... maybe another comment here will change my mind. I will be most interested in the other replies here.

I agree, its not all on the grandparents.

Cakers3 · ‎06-17-2015

@Tinkrbl44 wrote:
@chrystaltree wrote:
My friend's parents moved to FL when they retired at 62; for years, they back came for holidays and spent part of the summer here. Every couple of years, they hosted a big family Christmas in FL so they remained close to the grandkids. The grandkids spent a month every summer with them. Then in their early 70's they moved into a senior citizen community to be closer to their friends. Apparently it was quite restrictive and the grandsons who were young teens had nothing to do, couldn't ride bikes or play their music, there were no other kids. They stopped visiting their grandparents and the grandparents were older and settled and they didn't travel anymore. My friend alternated Mother's Day and Father's Day with her parents. The kids never went and her parents were ok with that. Their friends were their family and they had full lives. OK.... So Covid comes and goes, many of the friends passed away, some have health issues or dementia. They feel alone and they want to reconnect with their grandchildren and meet their great grandchild. They have money so they want to rent a block of hotel rooms so that everyone can come down for Christmas. Suddenly they want pictures and to be Facebook friends with the grandsons they haven't cared much about at all for 10 or 12 years so my friend's sons are not at all interested in giving up their Christmases for two people they haven't seen in years and who didn't reach out to them in years. It's baby's first Christmas for one son so travel is out. The second son plans to formally propose to his girlfriend and present her with the ring on Christmas. Both boys want their mom to be with their family but understand that she might decide to spend Christmas with her elderly parents. So.... my friend is in a quandary. Go to FL or don't go. I think she should do what what makes HER happy and that was my advice. When it comes to family, her parents made their choice years ago. But she is reluctant to tell her parents how her sons feel...or don't feel about them. She can't bring herself to explain that they let the relationship with them wither and die and the boys accepted that long ago. I think she should be honest so that her parents don't have any false hope about resurrecting relationships. Which should not surprise them since apparently in all these years, they haven't spoken to the boys more than a few times when they were younger. Just sent the occasional card on birthdays and graduations. It's an odd situation. I know families break up or become distant because of arguments, grudges, fights etc. I have never heard of a family relationship dying from disinterest.

@chrystaltree

Huh. Interesting.

Perhaps other comments will change my mind, but I blame your friend for the lack of closeness between the grandparents & her kids.

I don't think it was only the grandparents fault that the relationships "withered and died". What the heck was your friend doing, exactly, to assure her kids had good memories of their grandparents? Seems like she did absolutely nothing!

If the kids weren't able to ride their bikes, etc, why was that considered the problem? Why weren't the kids ever taught to spend time with them, have good conversations with their grandparents, and cultivate relationships?

Are you saying NO ONE ever thought about "alternative" activities other than bike riding? Seriously?

Clearly, when her folks moved it was to be more comfortable, but do you really think it was solely up to them to be her kids' Entertainment Committee?

There are all sorts of ways to stay in touch .... facetime or face something ... and hey, what about regular plain old phone calls?

I don't think your friend is "caught in the middle" of an unsolveable situation. However, I DO think she caused it and is now looking to blame her parents. Her folks aren't the bad guys here.

As I said .... maybe another comment here will change my mind. I will be most interested in the other replies here.

@Tinkrbl44 Not to mention, again, that the new living arrangements were not "suitable" for the young teens.

Distance relationships change as children get older. It is perfectly normal.

These boys are now grown men with their own lives, including one with a new baby.

It wouldn't hurt everyone to meet on FB. The grandparents still sent cards for birthdays and graduations.

A phone works both ways, too.

I agree-this friend is blaming the grandparents for something that happens to many families and this is not a one-sided issue.

I also wonder how much her boys are in touch all the time with her, too.

Yeesh. Peace on earth and all that.

"" Compassion is a verb."-Thich Nhat Hanh

Cakers3 · ‎06-17-2015

The grandparents could be reaching out to gather this Christmas because perhaps it may be the last one for one of them.

@chrystaltree I think your friend is trying to justify not going by making the grandparents the reason.

Stay out of it. She is a grownup, these are her parents, how she deals with them reflects on her just as much as anyone else.

"" Compassion is a verb."-Thich Nhat Hanh

beckyb1012 · ‎03-09-2010

I was around the age of 15 when I stopped seeing my grandparents on a regular basis. Between dating, drill team and part-time jobs grandparents just kinda got pushed aside to holidays ect... But when I married and became a Mom the constant visits and even sleepovers with my son and his great-grandmother was a very common occurrence. Relationships evolve. My grandmother became more of a grandmother to my son then my own Mom was. After he grew up I let him decide how much or how little he sees of all the family members the same way my Mom did for me.
I would let the grandsons spend their holidays they way they want. They have their own traditions and memories to make and they are adults. No one should make excuses just spend the time with whomever a person wants to see.

"Live frugally, but love extravagantly."