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Super Contributor
Posts: 407
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

My Daughter Got Engaged On Valentine's Day

My daughter's boyfriend of 5 years popped the question to her yesterday (Valentine's Day.) This is great and I'm so excited. Her boyfriend is a sweetheart and my husband and I both love him to pieces. Now for the problem.....she doesn't want a wedding. She just wants to go to the courthouse, get married and then go out to eat. I'm heartbroken. I always wanted her to have a nice formal wedding either at our church or at a nice venue. In our area there are several old plantation homes that can be rented for the ceremony and reception. I've been to a wedding at one of these homes and it was the most gorgeous wedding ever. I've always wanted to go with her to select the perfect wedding gown. I didn't get the opportunity to go wedding gown shopping with my mother. She had cancer and she was undergoing treatments at the time. She was too ill to go with me so I ended up going by myself. I know it's her wedding and I should be grateful she found such a great guy. And it's not a money issue. They would not be paying for the wedding. My husband and I would be honored to pay. We have saved money for this plus we recently got a sizable windfall that would more than pay for the wedding. So money is no problem. Thanks for letting me vent.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 25,929
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: My Daughter Got Engaged On Valentine's Day

I think she should have the wedding she wants and you should be happy to make her happy. Not everyone wants to waste a lot of money for a wedding. It is not about what YOU want - this is about her and her fiance and what they want. Why don't you think about buying them a home with the money you have saved to have this wedding.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,323
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: My Daughter Got Engaged On Valentine's Day

As someone who did not want a wedding, like your daughter, May I suggest a compromise? Maybe you could talk with her, emphasizing how happy you are, and respecting her wedding wishes. However, ask her if she could let you be involved a little bit. For example, she could still shop for a pretty dress, and you would love to help.her. Maybe you could arrange a nice, but small, celebratory dinner at one of those plantation homes you mentioned. It doesn't have to be a full blown event, but something more than bare bones. Ultimately, it IS up to her, and you should respect that. But maybe she doesn't realize how much you would like to give her a little more. Just have an honest conversation, and see what she says. Either way, be happy for her and her future. My friend with the longest, stable marriage got married at the courthouse during her lunch hour. Other friends who had big events were divorced within ten years. It's not the wedding that matters,it's the relationship. You will be much happier in the long run.knowing that she's in a great relationship as opposed to the kind of wedding she had. Smiley Happy
If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need.--Marcus Tullius Cicero
Honored Contributor
Posts: 23,333
Registered: ‎05-10-2010

Re: My Daughter Got Engaged On Valentine's Day

Well, congratulations to your daughter. Im jealous, I wish it was my daughter. We love her bf like a son, they are so much in love and so good for each other. But no engagement news yet. I can imagine your disappointment. Perhaps, in time, she'll be amenable to a small private wedding with 30 or 40 guests. Especially if she knows how important a wedding is to her family. That happened recently with a friend, for 2 years her girl said no wedding. Just a jp ceremony and lunch with both sets of parents. Then they would be off to Bora Bora for a month long honeymoon. But eventually, they agreed to a small family type wedding. It was a week before Christmas, the two mothers planned and paid for it. It was lovely and loving and if the bride said it once at the reception, she said it 100 times..........I'm so glad my mom talked me into having a real wedding!! Hopefully, you and your daughter can meet each other halfway.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 14,943
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: My Daughter Got Engaged On Valentine's Day

You used the word I so much and that worries me. Keep in mind, the wedding should be what the couple wants. Not that you want a formal wedding, or that you wanted to go shopping for the gown, or even that you want to pay for it. Certainly you tell her that you are willing to pay, but once the offer is made, you should let them plan their own wedding.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 15,320
Registered: ‎04-28-2010

Re: My Daughter Got Engaged On Valentine's Day

I would be so thrilled if my daughter and her fiancé didn't want a 'wedding'. Just think of all of the stress that they are eliminating in their lives! Just be gracious and very happy that your daughter found a very nice, decent spouse. They will be very happy if you and your DH respect their wishes, let their special day be stress-free. Blessings to them for a long and peaceful life together.

'More or less', 'Right or wrong', 'In general', and 'Just thinking out loud ' (as usual).
Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,434
Registered: ‎03-22-2010

Re: My Daughter Got Engaged On Valentine's Day

English Rose.... why don't you and your husband renew your wedding vows.... you could have a wonderful wedding and enjoy the whole process. That way you don't pressure your daughter into anything.... you could ask her to help you by being there for you when picking out your dress etc.

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,188
Registered: ‎03-11-2010

Re: My Daughter Got Engaged On Valentine's Day

Congratulations! I understand your disappointment. Perhaps your daughter will change her mind and allow a little celebration but it's her choice. One of my children had two beautiful weddings and two not-so-beautiful divorces. The lesson I learned from those experiences was that it's the marriage, not the wedding, that counts.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 15,320
Registered: ‎04-28-2010

Re: My Daughter Got Engaged On Valentine's Day

game-on: I was thinking the EXACT same thing right around the time you were posting!

'More or less', 'Right or wrong', 'In general', and 'Just thinking out loud ' (as usual).
Honored Contributor
Posts: 10,511
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: My Daughter Got Engaged On Valentine's Day

Congrats! Don't be disappointed at her (their) choices perhaps they prefer to spend the $ on travel, home, etc. Just have to keep in mind "it's their choice" as I had to accept my son did not get married in the church (my dream)...this generation does what makes them happy not us! Just as I'm still disappointed they never christened (or chose a religion) for my only GD -- my son said his wife is opposed to determining a religion will let her daughter do it when she's older (yea right, that's a whole other contention of mine!)