Community Chat

[KingstonsMom]

As we move foward with the year 2015, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally s c r e w e d up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my water without worrying about bacteria.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.<br />

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

 I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I can't use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

 I can’t ever pick up the coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician.

 P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

[Desertdi]

I live in AZ............thanks for mentioning "the snake"   !!!!!!!!

[sidsmom]

Man, this Snopes 'email' has been making the rounds for the last 3+ years.  Strong legs, yes!   Cute...glad it's reprinted often.

[cotton4me]

Very funny!!!  Thanks for a good laugh today.  

[KingstonsMom]

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@sidsmom wrote:

Man, this Snopes 'email' has been making the rounds for the last 3+ years.  Strong legs, yes!   Cute...glad it's reprinted often.

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@sidsmom

I actually reprinted this version from 2011, so it goes further back than the screen grab that you went to so much effort to post! LOL!

[Desertdi]

You know those satellite dishes are really guidance devices for space aliens.............and solar panels are really landing strips................

[sidsmom]

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@KingstonsMom wrote:

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@sidsmom wrote:

Man, this Snopes 'email' has been making the rounds for the last 3+ years.  Strong legs, yes!   Cute...glad it's reprinted often.

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@sidsmom

I actually reprinted this version from 2011, so it goes further back than the screen grab that you went to so much effort to post! LOL!

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@KingstonsMom

That's even better!  

I guess that's where the "+" of "3+ years" comes in.

Yeah, this is an Oldie but Goodie.

Thanks for re-posting!

[KingstonsMom]

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@Desertdi wrote:

You know those satellite dishes are really guidance devices for space aliens.............and solar panels are really landing strips................

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LOL!