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Honored Contributor
Posts: 19,658
Registered: ‎03-09-2010
As we move foward with the year 2015, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally s c r e w e d up now and have little chance of recovery.
 
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my water without worrying about bacteria.
 
I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
 
I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
 
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
 
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
 
I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
 
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
 
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.<br />
 
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the1,387,258th time.
 
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
 
I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
 
I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
 
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
 
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
 
I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
 
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
 
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
 
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
 
I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.
 
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
 
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
 
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.
 
 I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
 
I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
 
I can't use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
 
 I can’t ever pick up the coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
 
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.
 
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
 
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician.
 
 P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 19,568
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: Moving on to 2015 (joke)

I live in AZ............thanks for mentioning "the snake"   !!!!!!!!

♥Surface of the Sun♥
Honored Contributor
Posts: 18,415
Registered: ‎11-25-2011

Re: Moving on to 2015 (joke)

Man, this Snopes 'email' has been making the rounds for the last 3+ years.  Strong legs, yes!   Cute...glad it's reprinted often.

 

image.jpeg

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 6,827
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Moving on to 2015 (joke)

[ Edited ]

Very funny!!!  Thanks for a good laugh today.  Smiley Happy

Honored Contributor
Posts: 19,658
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Moving on to 2015 (joke)


@sidsmom wrote:

Man, this Snopes 'email' has been making the rounds for the last 3+ years.  Strong legs, yes!   Cute...glad it's reprinted often.

 

image.jpeg



@sidsmom

 

I actually reprinted this version from 2011, so it goes further back than the screen grab that you went to so much effort to post! LOL!

 

 

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 19,568
Registered: ‎03-13-2010

Re: Moving on to 2015 (joke)

You know those satellite dishes are really guidance devices for space aliens.............and solar panels are really landing strips................

♥Surface of the Sun♥
Honored Contributor
Posts: 18,415
Registered: ‎11-25-2011

Re: Moving on to 2015 (joke)


@KingstonsMom wrote:

@sidsmom wrote:

Man, this Snopes 'email' has been making the rounds for the last 3+ years.  Strong legs, yes!   Cute...glad it's reprinted often.

 

image.jpeg



@sidsmom

 

I actually reprinted this version from 2011, so it goes further back than the screen grab that you went to so much effort to post! LOL!

 


@KingstonsMom

That's even better!  

I guess that's where the "+" of "3+ years" comes in.

Yeah, this is an Oldie but Goodie.

Thanks for re-posting!

Honored Contributor
Posts: 19,658
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Moving on to 2015 (joke)


@Desertdi wrote:

You know those satellite dishes are really guidance devices for space aliens.............and solar panels are really landing strips................


LOL!

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.