Community Chat

[Puppy Lips]

So sorry you are going through this. You have done more for your mom than most daughters would. Do not feel guilty about moving her. I know you will monitor her care to be sure she is well cared for. My sister and I made the decision to move our mom from independent senior living to assisted care. This was when she was in the hospital yet again for something and we decided she need round the clock care. We moved her while she was in rehab. This was in 2020 during convid, so we never got to be with her in her new, smaller place. She was mentally fine. We talked to her on the phone and knew she was not too happy about the move. The last time I saw her alive was when my sister took her to the dentist and we saw her in the waiting room. She died a few months later. Having her pass there was so much better than showing up at her place to find her deceased. You need to take care of your health and peace of mind and marriage as they are important too. Good luck to you all.

[CAcableGirl2]

@LillyBee2   As others have posted, you are doing the right thing.

Your mom would not want you to give up your life taking care of her.  Your mother loves you and appreciates all you have done, and if you could have a conversation with her, she would tell you that you are doing the right thing.  Any loving mother would want their children to enjoy their life and get help once it becomes time - and no one wants to be a burden to their children.

Do not beat yourself up, you have done a lot more then most kids would do for their mothers or fathers.  We love them, but sometimes it takes help from professionals to care for them.

[pieman]

@CalminHeart 

I like what you suggested.

I know I will more than likely get many negative comments but I'm sorry, it must be said.

If there is any way things can be done at home for the OP's mom , especially at that age, I would pursue those means.

First let me say ,as a retired Hospice RN, I know what is not done with these dementia patients.

They are figured to be in their own little world, remembering their own little thoughts, keeping them quiet and busy.

When they become tired of sitting still and begin to roam and find something to amuse them, they are given medications to quiet them down again.

My mom took a fall in our home( she lived with my husband and myself) we took her to the ER for a head x-ray as she was on blood thinners and that is something that had to be done if and when falls happen, to check for clots.

Well, they decided they were keeping her over night for observation.

The next day we go to pick her up and they tell us, she now has a uti and they want to keep her there till it clears, this is while I look down at the Foley bag laying on the floor under the bed....that seemed to be okay with them.

Her lunch tray was brought in and left on her table 5 feet away, if we weren't there, she never would have been able to reach it as they had her set in a chair with an alarm should she decide to get up.

The next day they decide she needed to go to a physical therapy facility!

I phoned her PC and he said "get her out of there asap"

My mom was fine except for her fall, which was causes by her insisting on wearing her pj's with the  worn elastic waist band that caused the pants to fall that morning and she tripped. She had just been for her physical 2 days before her fall. She had none of these illness's they were claiming.

My husband and I went to see this rehab,, 

We were taken to a beautiful room ( private) promised the world for my mom,,

So we figured, lets get her fixed up from all they claimed she had and then bring her home with in home care.

We met my mom at the rehab the next day and what do you know, she had no private room, in was one so small, dirty and had Ethel Mermin belting out show tunes in the middle of the room!  Not to mention her trying to come on to my husband.

I was furious but then told that the original room we were shown, was just a model room.

My mom looked up at us like a scared little child,,,

I couldn't take it any longer. I got her dressed and took her out of there.

They were all yelling after me, saying, I couldn't do that and if I did , I couldn't come back with her.. Not to worry about that, I yelled back!

I guess what I am trying to make the OP understand, that even though some will say her mom is not aware of what is going on around her, she really does understand. Any change is going to throw her off, its not going to be easy for her.

If its at all possible, keep her home with help.

Check with different agencies in your area, see if they can help.

I'm not trying to lay any guilt on her, but just try to think how it might have been for her mom when she was a baby and I'm sure there were many trying times. I'm sure mom felt helpless and tired, but she stuck with you and brought you up. Its called the Circle Of Life. She was there for you, now its your turn to be there for her................

My mom did pass and to this day I still find myself second guessing if I could have done more. Its never easy no matter what you decide to do.

I send you many blessings in what lays ahead.

It sounds like you have a very understanding husband which is half the battle.

I did as well, they are blessings to have in our time of need..

Do what you think is best for all concerned,,,

God Bless.......

[SeaMaiden]

it is better for your Mother to be where she is safe and cared for... you can go on with your life and know she is fine... No need for you and your Dad to be the caretakers anymore.  You are not helping your Mom more by being stressed out and unhappy while at   being her caretaker AND working... She is not going to get better... only worse...  

My DH went through this with his Mother a few years ago... she was placed into a care facility that specialize in Dementia... she was well cared for...  up until her death a few years later...

[qualitygal]

@LillyBee2   I've been through similar...I truly believe you've gone above and beyond on your mom's care.  She'd be so proud of you.  That's the hardest job you'll ever have to do, I swear it.  Bless all the care givers.  

Totally understand all your feelings.  They will help her out now, so you can get some rest, and become stronger to help her out in her final time here.  I'd be SO proud and thankful for a daughter like you (and her husband).  It is so not easy!!! 

You've done excellent!!!

[Sooner]

There comes a point sometimes that you cannot ensure someone's well being because they have passed that point.

You can't make them be at a stage where their issues could be solved or sometimes even dealt with by anyone or any place.  Medical or around the clock care no matter where won't make everything go away.

At that point, it is a matter of what can be done, not what should, ought or needs to be done no matter what other people think.  I'm sure some of you will understand what I'm so poorly trying to say and some won't.  It you don't know what I'm talking about, I pray that you never will understand because what gets you there is unimaginable unless you've walked that walk. 

Blessings and prayers to all dealing with this.  

[hckynutjohn]

@LillyBee2 

I commend both you and your husband for the care you have taken of your mother over these years. Not knowing you mother I have no way of knowing her feelings other than what you have said here.

Myself and my mother lived together many years after all of my 3 older sisters got married. My mother suffered her whole life from a disease at birth. This effected, not her mental state, but her physical state. She wanted me to keep moving forward in my life, and told me that often. 

She suffered from a born Cardiopulmonary  deficiency, which led to her being unable to work the last 5 years of her life. There was no SSI available during those years. She did get SS when she turned 65 from her many years of working. At that time it was $80 per month.

I took primary care of her, however 1 of my sisters did take her shopping and visited regularly. How I wish my mother would have lived another 27 years, as did your mother. There were too few years of my life I was able to spend with my mother. Having been able to do that, i would have seen as a blessing.

My mother-in-law was a part of my wife's life for 66 years. There were many times I reminded my wife how lucky she was to still have her mother living when my wife was in her mid 60's. 

My mother was mentally sharper than others her age. To me that was primarily because she had to work out in the world to raise us 4 kids on her own. She is how I learned the big differences in being book smart and real life smart, I have lived all of my life by the latter.

For me there was no major decision like yours to be made. My mother never lost her mental capacities as she got older. It was the disease she was born with that brought forward her last breath. ❤

Hoping everything works out for the best for both you and your mother. Cherish every moment you have with her in her remaining days.

hckynut(john)❤  🥅🏒 🇺🇸

[ninjawife]

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@Carolina925 wrote:

@LillyBee2 , so sorry you had to make this decision but you get to a point where there's no other option. Keeping her safe is what's important. I spoke with my dear mother many times before her passing about the possibility of having to put her into some sort of care, should the need arise. It was one of her biggest fears and I am thankful that we never had to do that. I'll pray for strength for you in knowing you've done all you possibly could. Now it's time to take care of yourself a little. Hugs to you.

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@Carolina925 My mother had to put my grandmother in a nursing facility for that very reason.  When she was first diagnosed with Dementia she lived alone and my mother had meals on wheels deliver to her daily.  Then she began to leave her apartment in the middle of the night and roam the streets of the city she lived in which was not safe so my mother had her come live with her.  The night roaming continued but she was disoriented in my mother's neighborhood and would randomly ring people's doorbells and ask them to take her to her home in the city.  My mother could get her to take a bath or change her clothes without a fight.  It was just too much for my mother and my grandmother wasn't safe.  

[ninjawife]

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@haddon9 wrote:

My brother's spouse has Lewey Body Dementia.  he's only 66 but it is progressing rapidly.  He hallucinates daily and will have to go into a memory care facility probably sometime this upcoming year.   I feel so badly for both of them!

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@haddon9 My BFF's sister in law has Lewey Body Dementia and is about the same age as your brother's spouse.  The family knew she would develop the disease as her father and sister both had it and she had genetic testing for it nearly 20 years before she developed symptoms.  I have a feeling that her husband will also have to find a care facility soon for her.  She recently took her husband's car keys in the middle of the night and drove nearly 100 miles from home before she ran out of gas and the police found her and the car on the side of the road. 

[RedTop]

@LillyBee2 

After 6 years, you truly know it is the right time to seek this level of care for your mother; please do not have second thoughts, or regrets.  

My 88 year old mother has advanced dementia as well, so my brothers and I are walking the same dark road you have been on.  Moms wish has always been to remain in, and die in, her home, and the family is doing everything within our power to keep her where she wants to be.  We have been accused of stealing her stuff, and she has been physically aggressive towards me a couple of times in the last few months.  Mom has declined steadily this year, but knows she's in her home, and she's content.    

A recent change in Moms physical health has prompted us to seek palliative care under Hospice.  We all understand this is our Plan B, our last effort at trying to keep Mom in her home, and let her pass in the only place she wants to be.  

Our local options for placement are very few, and since Mom refuses to get vaccinated, we feel she is much better off in her home.  Even with 5 of us involved in the care routine, we are exhausted, but continue to do whatever it takes to keep our mother happy.  

Sincere wishes for you to feel peace in your heart.