Frequent Contributor
Posts: 141
Registered: ‎08-20-2022

Re: Moving mother to memory care

This runs in my family. And I have seen many people put in memory care places and all went well. I used to work around a lot of elderly folks and there comes a time when you physically can not take care of someone. It is a sad/horrible situation to be in-making this decision, but realize that you will have peace of mind once your mom is settled in and you visit her frequently at different times of the day, therefore making sure she is receiving the care you expect her to get. My grandmother is 91 and living with my mom now. She has not been able to manage her medication, mail, etc for a few years now, but she is still able to have 45% conversations without severe memory loss. And the stealing thing….that just comes with getting older I think. I’ve seen that a lot. Just be rest assured that you have done EVERYTHING you and your husband can possibly do. She will settle in there and THAT place will be her new norm. Love and Peace sent your way💖
Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,038
Registered: ‎04-03-2016

Re: Moving mother to memory care

We are only human and it sounds like you have and will continue to make decisions based on your best knowledge and abilities.  You are not sluffing off your responsibility - only changing how to cope with everyone in mind.  You will be a lovely, doting daughter when you are no longer the full time caregiver.  Its the way you want to remember your mom and your relationship.


As a note, don't visit always at same time so you get clear vision of her care. Best wishes

Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,974
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Moving mother to memory care

@ninjawife wrote:

@haddon9 wrote:



My brother's spouse has Lewey Body Dementia.  he's only 66 but it is progressing rapidly.  He hallucinates daily and will have to go into a memory care facility probably sometime this upcoming year.   I feel so badly for both of them!



@haddon9 My BFF's sister in law has Lewey Body Dementia and is about the same age as your brother's spouse.  The family knew she would develop the disease as her father and sister both had it and she had genetic testing for it nearly 20 years before she developed symptoms.  I have a feeling that her husband will also have to find a care facility soon for her.  She recently took her husband's car keys in the middle of the night and drove nearly 100 miles from home before she ran out of gas and the police found her and the car on the side of the road. 

@ninjawife It's a very scary disease!  He hallucinates a lot and my brother can't have a normal conversation with him anymore.  He's been going downhill a lot since May. 


It came on slowly at first but has accelerated a lot over the last 7 months.  He was adopted so doesn't know any biological relatives and never thought of getting tested for something like this.  


It's sad that so many family members of your friend's sister in law has the disease.  

Honored Contributor
Posts: 14,347
Registered: ‎03-16-2010

Re: Moving mother to memory care

@LillyBee2 I am sorry for what you are going through I can relate as I took care of my mother too. You and your husband have done so much for your mom (you stated there was no one to help, one child always ends up doing the bulk of the care), you both deserve to live your lives as you want. Please know you have done everything you could, your mom is lucky to have you although she doesn't realize it. When my mother passed, I knew I had nothing to feel guility about, I took care of her something I don't regret (I miss her everyday). I remember my mother telling me of her sister how she cried and cried when their mother died, my mom said it was because she didn't spent enough time and didn't do much for her mother, my mom took care of her mother, she had no regrets. I wish you, your husband, and mom the best of luck. 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,441
Registered: ‎01-04-2015

Re: Moving mother to memory care

@LillyBee2 @I'm just sending hugs and love to you! 

Super Contributor
Posts: 362
Registered: ‎06-07-2019

Re: Moving mother to memory care

I'm moved by all the responses and have taken them to heart.  Your stories are moving.   My mother would not want this situation to be as it is, as none of us do. When she moved in, it didn't cross our minds that she would need daily care.    She did raise me and I've not forgotten her understanding, compassion, guidance and she is  forever my greatest fan. I'm hoping I can be her voice now.     I've raised my children, who are now grow.   I would not want them to be burdened with my daily care.   I would hope they would visit and monitor my arrangements,  that I have good care.  Here is to 2023 - May we all have a hopeful New Year.  

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,096
Registered: ‎05-24-2010

Re: Moving mother to memory care

The most important thing you can do is partner with the facility she enters. @LillyBee2  Get to know her caretakers. Go all different times, so you see what’s happening on different shifts.


Get to know the other residents, and families. You will get a lot of information from them too. The more you engage and get to know people the more eyes and ears you have.


Dementia patients need to be in a lockdown unit for safety. It may seem like a prison to some, but it is freedom for them. They can wander in a controlled environment. That eases the stress they feel.


At this stage you made the right decision. It can be trying and dangerous to keep dementia patients home once they are advanced.


Good luck


Honored Contributor
Posts: 10,488
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Moving mother to memory care

@pieman wrote:



I like what you suggested.


I know I will more than likely get many negative comments but I'm sorry, it must be said.

If there is any way things can be done at home for the OP's mom , especially at that age, I would pursue those means.


First let me say ,as a retired Hospice RN, I know what is not done with these dementia patients.

They are figured to be in their own little world, remembering their own little thoughts, keeping them quiet and busy.


When they become tired of sitting still and begin to roam and find something to amuse them, they are given medications to quiet them down again.


My mom took a fall in our home( she lived with my husband and myself) we took her to the ER for a head x-ray as she was on blood thinners and that is something that had to be done if and when falls happen, to check for clots.


Well, they decided they were keeping her over night for observation.

The next day we go to pick her up and they tell us, she now has a uti and they want to keep her there till it clears, this is while I look down at the Foley bag laying on the floor under the bed....that seemed to be okay with them.


Her lunch tray was brought in and left on her table 5 feet away, if we weren't there, she never would have been able to reach it as they had her set in a chair with an alarm should she decide to get up.


The next day they decide she needed to go to a physical therapy facility!

I phoned her PC and he said "get her out of there asap"

My mom was fine except for her fall, which was causes by her insisting on wearing her pj's with the  worn elastic waist band that caused the pants to fall that morning and she tripped. She had just been for her physical 2 days before her fall. She had none of these illness's they were claiming.


My husband and I went to see this rehab,, 

We were taken to a beautiful room ( private) promised the world for my mom,,

So we figured, lets get her fixed up from all they claimed she had and then bring her home with in home care.

We met my mom at the rehab the next day and what do you know, she had no private room, in was one so small, dirty and had Ethel Mermin belting out show tunes in the middle of the room!  Not to mention her trying to come on to my husband.

I was furious but then told that the original room we were shown, was just a model room.


My mom looked up at us like a scared little child,,,

I couldn't take it any longer. I got her dressed and took her out of there.

They were all yelling after me, saying, I couldn't do that and if I did , I couldn't come back with her.. Not to worry about that, I yelled back!


I guess what I am trying to make the OP understand, that even though some will say her mom is not aware of what is going on around her, she really does understand. Any change is going to throw her off, its not going to be easy for her.

If its at all possible, keep her home with help.

Check with different agencies in your area, see if they can help.


I'm not trying to lay any guilt on her, but just try to think how it might have been for her mom when she was a baby and I'm sure there were many trying times. I'm sure mom felt helpless and tired, but she stuck with you and brought you up. Its called the Circle Of Life. She was there for you, now its your turn to be there for her................


My mom did pass and to this day I still find myself second guessing if I could have done more. Its never easy no matter what you decide to do.

I send you many blessings in what lays ahead.

It sounds like you have a very understanding husband which is half the battle.

I did as well, they are blessings to have in our time of need..

Do what you think is best for all concerned,,,

God Bless.......



You are certainly knowledgable as a Hospice Nurse. Hospice nurses are special people. Mom passed in one and I've had a couple of friends there too.


I'm sorry for your loss and what your Mom went through. That was horrible and my heart breaks for you and her. 


My only advice is to be gentle with yourself. You did what you thought was right based on what you knew at the time. Take care.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,190
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Moving mother to memory care

@ninjawife , sounds like your mother had no other choice. I had a dear friend who wanted to live alone, friends would come to check on her during the day to find the burners on her stove all on full, the heat on full during the summer, a/c on full during the winter. She refused to give up her driver's license, until her doctor insisted, and would drive all around town at all hours of the night. It's such a sad situation and I pray for anyone who has to make these decisions.

Posts: 74
Registered: ‎08-08-2013

Re: Moving mother to memory care

@LililiBee2: First of all, I want to say I am sorry for what you and your husband have been going through these past years. Dementia is truly a horrible, horrible disease. It is heart crushing to see your loved one suffer through this! You are making the right decision to place her in a care home, where they will help her with all her needs.

Now, let me tell you my story. I currently am staying at a group care home because I have been bed-bound for 29 months due to an infection that set in my artifical knee and subsequently a spacer knee and rods placed from my ankle to my hip causing me not to walk. I am scheduled for surgery on January 12, and after rehab, I pray I will be able to go home. I tell you my story because we have 3 "residents", as we are called, that have Dementia in various stages from mild to combative. The others are just very elderly and need assistance. I am the youngest at age 63.

Now I know that every place is different, but the caregivers here (24/7) are so patient with these elderly folk. They wander day and night and constantly must be watched as they are very confused, forget even the basics and often try to escape out the front door. Just last night one opened my door during the night and said she was looking for a place to sleep and wanted to use my floor. Another one opened my door and asked if I could store the hamburgers in my room. The stories I could tell!

You have done your absolute best for your Mom, but as you know there are several stages and one does not recover from this. Do not feel guilty for moving your Mom to a care home, as you will get the break you need and more importantly, your Mom will get the help she requires at this time.

Thanks for reading my perspective. I hope that it has helped you. My sincerest best wishes go out to you and your Mom.