Reply
Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 5,896
Registered: ‎03-20-2010

Re: Moving mother to memory care

Enjoy spending time with your mom as a daughter.  You will both enjoy that time so much better without the added stress.

Someday, when scientists discover the center of the Universe....some people will be disappointed it is not them.
Honored Contributor
Posts: 10,488
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Moving mother to memory care


@CalminHeart wrote:

Call your state's elder care omsbudsman or State Dept on Aging and find out where you can find an adult caregiver to cover for date nights, an overnight, or just to give you a few hours break.

 

Check with Medicare to see what their requirements are to help cover the expenses for that kind of help.  

 

Caregivers need breaks and don't feel guilty for taking them.

 

I was the caregiver for my disabled sister. It drained the life out of me and stressed me to the point of hurting my own health and relationships. I'll never let it get that bad again.


 

Many times, care centers and memory units are better than being in a loved one's home. They are staffed with people who care, have expertise we may not have, and allow social lives they can't get sitting at home.  Do not feel guilty. You deserve a life too.

 

I've looked at some care centers in my area for my 91 yr old dad. I go to his home every day to help with whatever he needs. He's fiercely independent but has become willing to ask for or accept more help in the last few years. Luckily, he's of sound enough mind that he knows he'll have to move in the next year or two.

 

 

 

 

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,635
Registered: ‎04-05-2010

Re: Moving mother to memory care

@LillyBee2 Of course you worry and feel guilty--you are a good, loving daughter who has done all you can for your mother, and even more than many would have! But you've made the right decision at the right time for you. Caring for someone with dementia at home is a whole different ballgame than caring for someone's physical needs, IMO, and caring for the physical needs is hard enough.

 

We've had a few cases over the last year in my area where someone with dementia has wandered away from home--sometimes for days. These cases did not always have a happy ending, and I imagine their families were overwhelemed with guilt. Your mom will be kept safe and protected, by people who know how to meet her needs.

 

Please take good care of yourself, and know that your husband is a wonderful man for dealing with all this alongside you for six years! Wishing you the best, and will keep all of you in my prayers.

Respected Contributor
Posts: 4,165
Registered: ‎03-20-2010

Re: Moving mother to memory care

You ( and your hubby) sound like amazing people with huge hearts of gold. You have given, sacrificed and done more than what most people would ever do. Please find your peace and go live, enjoy the lives you deserve to have yourselves! I bet momma would want that! 💝💝🙏💪🏽

Honored Contributor
Posts: 32,652
Registered: ‎03-10-2010

Re: Moving mother to memory care

@LillyBee2 Please do not feel quilty.  You have simply done more than you can do and you are human.  When this situation arises, you really cannot make it better.  You do not have the power to "fix it" or change it.  

 

You described my mom, but with her it reached a critical tipping point quickly.  We worked, did not live close, and she has been in a care facility a very long time.  Like your mom, she was a loner too and we worried about her.

 

The people who run places know how to deal with people.  They let her shower when she wants even if it is 3 a.m., sleep when she wants and occasionally she attends functions they have.  She is happy, she is catered too, and she has medical care.  When she first got there she would barricade herself in her room but that quickly stopped.  She is very satisfied there most of the time.

 

You have a life and deserve to live it. Just remember that there are things we do not have control over.  You can't make her young and well again.  ALL you can do is the best you can.  You can't live her life for her.  You have my best wishes and I hope your faith and understanding that there are forces higher than ours will carry you through.

 

For now, enjoy the things you can again and know that THAT would make your mom happiest if she were rational.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 14,755
Registered: ‎03-15-2014

Re: Moving mother to memory care

I don't like to say this, but the problem with institutionalizing folks now is that they'll likely be exposed to COVID and they'll have little resistance since, prior to that, we were keeping them in a virtual bubble.  I know from experience.  My father, 89, entered memory care in early October and had COVID within three or four weeks.  He had been vaccinated and boosted but still got very sick.

Super Contributor
Posts: 362
Registered: ‎06-07-2019

Re: Moving mother to memory care

Thank you all for the kind words.  I appreciate the support.  It will be a difficult transition, but necessary.   It will be strange  her not with us, but we're looking forward to having a life together again.  I'll visit her often. 

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,296
Registered: ‎03-09-2010

Re: Moving mother to memory care

My mother is also in a memory care unit after living with my younger sister for 12 years.  I don't know how my sister did it all, and she is my hero.  We sent money every quarter to help.  Even though mom went into the home 18 months ago, we still send my sister money as I don't think what we sent previously was ever enough.  You and your husband have my utmost admiration for what you have done for your mother.  I've seen firsthand what hard work it is.  DO NOT FEEL GUILTY about your decision.  Your mother will be much safer.

My religion is very simple. My religion is kindness ~ Dalai Lama XIV

When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace ~ Jimi Hendrix
Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,850
Registered: ‎06-08-2021

Re: Moving mother to memory care

@LillyBee2  You have given your mother wonderful care for years, and I'm sure she will receive great care in her new home. You are definitely doing the right thing. xo

Super Contributor
Posts: 343
Registered: ‎12-12-2014

Re: Moving mother to memory care

Using the expression "institutionalizing folks" strikes me as harsh and inaccurate. Sounds like LillyBee2 found a placement for her mom that can give her the care and treatment she needs, which will allow her to interact with her mom as daughter instead of caretaker. I can only imagine how exhausted, conflicted and sad she must be feeling...I will keep her in my prayers.