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Respected Contributor
Posts: 2,664
Registered: ‎05-13-2010

Re: Married 32 years. In love with another man....

OP--Oh, dear.  Is the guy still a bum?  Would you need to work?  It doesn't sound like the new guy is really on board with this anyway.  While you might take a bite of the apple, you don't want to buy the bushel without more thought.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 17,476
Registered: ‎06-27-2010

Re: Married 32 years. In love with another man....

[ Edited ]

 

        I read through this quickly, so I might've missed something.  But after "pining" for 28 years, I wonder what is the sudden catalyst to make this change right now?   Generally a relationship formed while someone is still married doesn't have much chance of lasting.   And there's wise counsel from experienced therapists that no matter what your age you need to finish, resolve, and thoughtfully settle one relationship -- completely -- before starting another one, if you want the new one to be healthy, fulfilling, and lasting.   I understand being unhappy isn't pleasant, but all this sounds very impulsive and worrisome.   Maybe a better counselor would be a good idea.  

 

Few things reveal your intellect and your generosity of spirit—the parallel powers of your heart and mind—better than how you give feedback.~Maria Popova
Frequent Contributor
Posts: 117
Registered: ‎05-09-2010

Re: Married 32 years. In love with another man....

Yes. I would get alimony. And half of retirement 401ks, pension, house, etc. I would not have to work and I could be independent. I ALWAYS loved the other guy more but I married who everybody thought I should marry. Why? I was raised in a broken home and wanted to make darn sure my future children wouldn't be. My mother was married and divorced 3 times, 7 kids from 3 dif fathers(and this was in the 50's!!). One of the fathers she wasn't even married to. I was the 5th kid but the first to graduate high school. So maybe that explains why I'm so "messed up". I so strongly felt I did not want to be like that. So, I played the game of life the "right" way: marry professional man, have 2 kids who each have graduate degrees, maintain lovely home. But....,,
Honored Contributor
Posts: 14,092
Registered: ‎01-02-2011

Re: Married 32 years. In love with another man....

I imagine your husband will find no shortage of women happy to find a good man.  

 

DooBdoo is right when she said a relationship formed like this does not generally do well.  

Esteemed Contributor
Posts: 7,630
Registered: ‎08-19-2014

Re: Married 32 years. In love with another man....

I feel bad for your husband who has spent the better part of his life devoted to you while you were living a lie!! You should have thought of your feelings before he invested all these years into providing for and loving you.What about your children? You will devastate them!

I have been married for 35 years to my best friend and the love of my life!! It would destroy me if after all this time he left me for someone else!! Thank God we are solid!! It took a lot of work but it was so worth it!! 

If you leave your husband you will ruin a lot of lives.You are also in Fantasyland because you have no idea what life will be like with this other guy.You are not a teenager anymore! You say you deserve to be happy at 57 years old.Well so does your husband!! What do you think will happen to him if you tell him your life together was a lie?? How do you think your children will feel?

I think you need to ask yourself if you are willing to give it all up and alienate the people who love you most.Will you be able to live with yourself? 

Life can be cold and cruel.Be careful about pulling the rug out from under someone who has loved you for 30 years!! You may find yourself disappointed and alone!!

Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,261
Registered: ‎06-02-2014

Re: Married 32 years. In love with another man....

[ Edited ]

I had a neighbor friend who was a stay-at-home-mom with a really great husband. He was out going, friendly, hard working and a hands- on dad.

 

My husband and I socilaized with them when all of our kids were younger.  When she and I were alone, she would speak somewhat disparingly of her husband.  I felt she just really didn't love him.  Every now and then she would talk about a high-school boyfriend.  I didn't pay close attention, but I did recall she spoke very favorably about the former beau. 

We moved to a town about twenty miles away and didn't stay close to these neighbors.

About five years after our move, the husband looked us up and shared with us that his wife had left him for her high school boyfriend!  He also told us she wanted nothing, and that they shared custody of the two children they had.

This couple did not stay married for thirty years, more like 10-12 years, but in the long run, I think it gave him a chance to also re-evaluate his life and find someone who could/would love and appreciate him.

I don't think it does anyone a favor to stay with someone you don't love.  Unless you are an incredible actress, your children as well as your husband probably sense you are not happy.

In my opinion, it is too bad you stayed with your husband so long. If you do decide to end your marriage, I would hope he would be able to find happiness as well.

These are just my thoughts.  And of course, I am not a counselor.

 

Frequent Contributor
Posts: 117
Registered: ‎05-09-2010

Re: Married 32 years. In love with another man....

Yes. The other man has "pined" for me as well.well. I have seen him many times throughout the years. And no, I have not committed adultery. Not for lack of wanting to.
Trusted Contributor
Posts: 1,138
Registered: ‎05-20-2011

Re: Married 32 years. In love with another man....


@missy1 wrote:

@kittymoxy wrote:
"Selfish, self-centered and cruel". Isn't it more self-centered, selfish and cruel to be living a lie?!?! I HAVE stayed with my husband all these years for reasons like: fear of the grass isn't greener on the other side, wanting an intact family, etc. but I feel like it's a big lie and I just can't do it any more. I'm 57 years old and I have one life to live. It's a very scary thought changing my whole life.

 

 

The truth is you are not in a happy marriage. I gathered that by your first post. If I wasn't happy, I would go. It doesn't mean you will find happiness with your old flame either. 


 

I agree with this. If you're that unhappy, by all means cut ties but be by yourself for a while. I wouldn't jump right into something with this other man. Give yourself some space. I doubt this is what you would do since you are convinced you're "crazy" in love, but it's what I would suggest. As others have said the grass is rarely greener but I can't see staying where you're that unhappy also. It's not fair to your husband. I wouldn't want my husband staying out of obligation.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 12,702
Registered: ‎08-22-2013

Re: Married 32 years. In love with another man....

@kittymoxy  If I was in a loveless marriage I would not have waited 32 years to leave it. I know at 57 I was pretty much done with enjoying s-x and I am very much in love with my husband. S-x for me anyway ended when my hormones did so maybe you might want to consider that physical fact of life. Also, your highschool crush isn't any younger than you are and men do have their problems as they get older and this will be a frustration for you both. I guess if you are satisfied with companionship you may be ok and if you are that unhappy maybe it's worth the risk for you.

Honored Contributor
Posts: 17,476
Registered: ‎06-27-2010

Re: Married 32 years. In love with another man....


@kittymoxy wrote:
Yes. The other man has "pined" for me as well.well. I have seen him many times throughout the years. And no, I have not committed adultery. Not for lack of wanting to.

 

       Maybe not physically, but there is such a thing as emotional infidelity.   Have you discussed all this with your husband?  Is he aware of your dire displeasure with the marriage and your infatuation with your high school friend?

 

 

Few things reveal your intellect and your generosity of spirit—the parallel powers of your heart and mind—better than how you give feedback.~Maria Popova